Feature - Zombie Checklist

Today is obscurendure's second birthday. So as part of the celebrations I decided to knock up a lovely list. I love lists.

We're already 18 films into our Year of the Dead season and it's time for a Zombie Checklist. Here's a tip for budding filmmakers: put all of these features into a zombie film and you're on to a winner.

• Slow-moving zombies. These films are all about an atmosphere of dread and inevitability. Keep them slow.
• A character has to walk up to one of their zombified loved ones, thinking that they're okay, and promptly get munched.
• Zombie arms burst through a window or boarded up area, preferably grabbing someone by the hair.

• A scene of light relief where zombies do something from their old life, e.g. try to make a nice cup of tea.
• No explanation of where the zombies came from. Don't even bother trying to justify it. I really don't care. In no way shape or form, say that it's an infection (Boyle, we're looking at you).
• The filmmakers have to admit that they've made a zombie film (Boyle, we're looking at you, again).
• Proper editing where you can tell what's happening in the gore scenes (Boyle, I'm getting sick of looking at you).
• One of the main characters has to be bitten. The other characters then hang around waiting for them to turn. Then they blow them away with a shotgun.

• A scene of zombies rising from their graves is a surprisingly rare treat. If it's in the fog, all the better.
• Someone commits suicide rather than becoming a zombie.
• Characters make a pact to kill each other if they get bitten.
• A scene of a wide open area, ideally including a famous landmark, filled with zombies all lurching around a bit.
• Protracted gore sequences, naturally.

• The original actors should all speak in different languages and then be dubbed into English.
• The zombies tear someone in half and their guts spill out all over the shop.
• Al Cliver plays a supporting role.

• Zero tolerance for dancing (or for that matter singing) zombies.
• Zero tolerance for talking zombies.
• Zero tolerance for zombies that shoot guns, drive cars or bake cakes. (Zombies swimming underwater is allowable though. In fact, it's encouraged.)

• Great atmospheric music - definitely no screamo/shouty type stuff. Screamo/shouty is great as music goes, but for a zombie film it's far too obvious. And dull.
• There should be an appearance, even if it's only in the background, of a zombie tuna.
• A bleak ending where everyone dies.

I'm sure that you'll agree that by sticking to these simple rules anyone could make a brilliant zombie film. At the moment, I can't think of a film that hits every bullet point. But if anyone manages it, I'd like some royalties. Please thank you.

evlkeith