Intermission - evlkeith's Fashion Emporium

The other day an old lady came up to me, while I was frequenting a local knocking shop, and asked me, "evlkeith, considering that you're such a fashion icon, why don't you start your own clothes shop?" It's a good question. I'm so busy doing other stuff, like writing film reviews, that I'll probably never get round to creating a multi-million pound fashion behemoth. But if I did, this is what it would be like...

It would be cheap. Not quite 'as chips', but close. And the clothes would be of high quality. They'd last for ages and there would be a complete lack of shrinkage when washed at higher temperatures. Premium products made by a well paid workforce. 

They would also be intensely fashionable. I would spend many millions of pounds on getting the top models and popular music stars to wear my clothes and say how great they are before I open my stores. Everyone would want clothes designed by me.

But here's the catch: I would only allow certain people to buy them. It would be a very exclusive club. All of my stores would screen potential customers before they were allowed to buy. All employees would also have to get through the screening. Here are the tests:

• Muscle mass - as soon as a customer walks in, they pass over a hidden sensor that calculates muscle mass. Anyone with over a certain percentage of muscle, let's say 10%, gets thrown out, by a big burly ex-miner.

• iPhone - owning an iPhone is an instant red flag. As is having owned an iPhone that has since been nicked.

• Attractiveness - anyone deemed to be very attractive immediately gets the boot.

• Social skills - prospective customers would be met by one of my employees of the opposite sex. The employee would try to strike up a conversation with them. If they shuffle around uncomfortably, mumbling quietly, they're in.

• Comics test - customers who have got past the previous rounds would then face a written exam based on their knowledge of comics. Anyone scoring less than 80% is out. 

• Posh house - evidence of a postcode and house number will be required. Anyone who lives in a nice area is shown the door.

• Musical knowledge - a series of pop tunes will be played. Failure to recognise the groups or artists will mean elimination. Possible groups could include The Mars Volta, The Hepburns or The Bodines.

• Fitness - A 10 minute sprint on a running machine with no stop button. If the customer falls through lack of fitness, a crane arm grabber thing picks them up before they hit the deck and places them on a lovely bed of cushions. If the customer/show off manages the full 10 minutes, the crane arm smashes their face into the moving treadmill, which happens to be made out of industrial grade sandpaper. 

You may have realised that all of these tests are designed to weed out the rich, attractive, popular, fit, cool kids. My high quality, high fashion, low price clothes will be for everyone else who can't shop in certain other clothes shops due to their lack of the above qualities.

And when my fashion empire reaches its peak, I would buy out the certain other clothes shops and shut them down. Then I would laugh.

evlkeith