Intermission - evlkeith's Fashion Emporium

The other day an old lady came up to me, while I was frequenting a local knocking shop, and asked me, "evlkeith, considering that you're such a fashion icon, why don't you start your own clothes shop?" It's a good question. I'm so busy doing other stuff, like writing film reviews, that I'll probably never get round to creating a multi-million pound fashion behemoth. But if I did, this is what it would be like...

It would be cheap. Not quite 'as chips', but close. And the clothes would be of high quality. They'd last for ages and there would be a complete lack of shrinkage when washed at higher temperatures. Premium products made by a well paid workforce. 

They would also be intensely fashionable. I would spend many millions of pounds on getting the top models and popular music stars to wear my clothes and say how great they are before I open my stores. Everyone would want clothes designed by me.

But here's the catch: I would only allow certain people to buy them. It would be a very exclusive club. All of my stores would screen potential customers before they were allowed to buy. All employees would also have to get through the screening. Here are the tests:

• Muscle mass - as soon as a customer walks in, they pass over a hidden sensor that calculates muscle mass. Anyone with over a certain percentage of muscle, let's say 10%, gets thrown out, by a big burly ex-miner.

• iPhone - owning an iPhone is an instant red flag. As is having owned an iPhone that has since been nicked.

• Attractiveness - anyone deemed to be very attractive immediately gets the boot.

• Social skills - prospective customers would be met by one of my employees of the opposite sex. The employee would try to strike up a conversation with them. If they shuffle around uncomfortably, mumbling quietly, they're in.

• Comics test - customers who have got past the previous rounds would then face a written exam based on their knowledge of comics. Anyone scoring less than 80% is out. 

• Posh house - evidence of a postcode and house number will be required. Anyone who lives in a nice area is shown the door.

• Musical knowledge - a series of pop tunes will be played. Failure to recognise the groups or artists will mean elimination. Possible groups could include The Mars Volta, The Hepburns or The Bodines.

• Fitness - A 10 minute sprint on a running machine with no stop button. If the customer falls through lack of fitness, a crane arm grabber thing picks them up before they hit the deck and places them on a lovely bed of cushions. If the customer/show off manages the full 10 minutes, the crane arm smashes their face into the moving treadmill, which happens to be made out of industrial grade sandpaper. 

You may have realised that all of these tests are designed to weed out the rich, attractive, popular, fit, cool kids. My high quality, high fashion, low price clothes will be for everyone else who can't shop in certain other clothes shops due to their lack of the above qualities.

And when my fashion empire reaches its peak, I would buy out the certain other clothes shops and shut them down. Then I would laugh.

evlkeith

Review - Oblivion Island: Haruka and the Magic Mirror (2009 - Dir. Shinsuke Sato)

If Insomniac Games (of Ratchet & Clank fame) joined forces with an anime production house and made a film, Oblivion Island: Haruka and the Magic Mirror would be that film.

Haruka is a young girl who loses her mirror at an early age. It turns out that it's been nicked by a fox, one of a group of foxes whose job it is to acquire things that have been neglected by humans. She sets off, amazingly enough, on a wonderful journey to find her mirror and meets an amazing cast of colourful characters along the way. Mmm...

The first thing to comment on is how gorgeous the film is. The initial reveal of Oblivion Island is as beautiful as anything in Final Fantasy VII. And like that game, it's a mix of 2D backgrounds and 3D characters, albeit with a slightly higher polygon count. It occasionally goes into full 3D mode, especially for the obligatory rail/minecart sequences, and it still looks rather dashing. It's all so colourful and full of visual creativity that it takes a couple of watches to take it all in.

There are some minor problems that let down the general gorgeousness of the production. The foxes look a little bland and textureless, almost like the characters in Little Big Adventure. Compared to the luxurious feel of everything else they stand out like a sore thumb. The other sore thumbs are the background characters that wander around like the jarring motion captured mobs in Assassin's Creed (or for a film reference, Titanic.) At one point, when a train departed, I spent about five seconds watching one of these clowns mill about. And five seconds seems like a long time when watching low quality animation.

Back on track with the stunning visuals there is a treat of a boss battle along the lines of Shadow of the Colossus, when Haruka has to clamber around a huge beastie in order to defeat it. But unlike that game, there is no feeling of guilt or sadness when it finally dies. It's still cool though due to the involvement of a small toy sheep.

The Baron is a pretty creepy main villain, coming across as a mixture of The King of All Cosmos (Katamari Damancy) and Bionic Commando. His airship has some very unnerving fingers (?) that move in a very spider like fashion. Not to be outdone in the creepiness stakes are the Petitloss, a group of thieving types that live underground. One scene containing them is enough to send a little shiverette down the spine.

So, I've possibly overstated the fact that Oblivion Island borrows heavily from games, and you would think that this makes it a bit on the rubbish side. But it's great. Things that have become ho-hum in games, such as the minecart sequence, are done brilliantly here, even bordering on exciting and never less than fun. That's the best word for this film: fun. I've recently watched Headhunters and I can't be bothered to review it due to sheer blandness. It's not that it's a bad film, it's just that it's not that entertaining. Not fun. I know which of these two films I'm going to be purchasing on Blu-ray very soon...

But Oblivion Island has got even more than the fun factor going for it. There are many small moments of animation, some of which even border on heart-warming, that lift it above the average. It is a children's film, but it doesn't include cheeky little nods to the adult audience or pop culture references. And it's all the better for it. Embrace your childlike side and give it a whirl.
8/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
Summer Wars, The Girl Who Leapt Through Time.

Feature - Battle of the Seasons Update

Let's see how Luc Besson has fared then in The Battle of the Seasons. Fingers crossed Luc.

9. The Luc Besson Season = 2 (Average rating for the entire season)

8. The Musical Season = 3.2

7. The Sword and Sorcery Season = 4.4

6. The 80s Prison Season = 4.6

5. The Gritty Season = 6.4

4. The Buddy Movie Season = 7

3. The Mark Dacascos Season = 7 

2. The Christmas Season = 7.3

1. The Fog Season = 8

(The Mark Dacascos Season is placed above The Buddy Movie Season due to it having five films in it, compared to The Buddy's three.)

You should look sad Mr Besson. I don't know why Doccortex bothered with his Luc Besson Season. He's charged right in there at the bottom of the table. Pathetic. The next season will be by another director. It can't be much worse than Luc's.

evlkeith

Review - Tombs of the Blind Dead (1972 - Dir. Amando de Ossorio)

This is a film that has been on my 'to watch' list for ages. The promise of hooded skeletal zombies charging about on horseback through fog filled ruins, all in glorious slow motion filled me with a palpable sense of anticipation. Surely this is an idea that can't go wrong...

Betty (Lone Fleming) is on a train trip with her 'just good friend' Roger (Roger by name...). They meet one of Betty's childhood friends, who just so happened to have had a lesbian fling with her, and Roger's trousers start to automatically unzip themselves in true Lupin style. Betty, not too happy with Roger's leering ways, decides to jump off the train and camp out in a creepy ruined temple where the evil Templar knights are buried.

The stars of this film are the zombies, funnily enough. They live up to their initial promise and are possibly the only reason why I would bother watching the other three films in the series. I never tired of them hunting down their prey and having a dainty nibble. Why there isn't a separate zombie-skeleton genre I don't know. Although it looks like Peter Jackson did a certain amount of homaging in Lord of the Rings. 

Tombs of the Blind Dead has that peculiar affliction of horror films where the behaviour of the characters can only be described as 'clinically mental'. When Betty finds that she is alone in the ruins. She takes off her hot pants, puts on her nightwear and hops into her sleeping bag. She relaxes with some music and a little read of her book. It's as if she's in a posh hotel for the night. Then she hears some strange noises. The hot pants go back on and she's ready for action. 

In true exploitation fashion, there is a completely unnecessary rape of the aforementioned lesbian by a moustachioed fellow. To make up for his wrongdoing he offers her a smoke. He's a true gentleman.

Again in true exploitation fashion, we are treated to a scene where a young woman (probably a witch, no doubt) is tied up and attacked by two knights on horseback. At first their sword swipes are pathetic. Barely tickling her, with not a hint of blood in sight. But the scene keeps going. And building. By the end there are some really nasty gashes on her stomach and other sensitive areas. 

Although it's not the goriest of zombie outings by a long stretch, there is just enough to keep the attention. There is an arm lopping (fair enough), an effective burning sequence and a climactic scene where a child gets covered in her mother's blood as the Templar's attack her. This is lingered on for a fair while and is not the most pleasant of things. From what I've heard though, the second instalment, Return of the Evil Dead, is a bit more on the bloody side.

I'm glad I've finally seen this due to some great atmospheric shots. But despite being pretty professionally shot, something seems to be lacking. Possibly a story. As the film drew to a close there was a definite sense that not much had really happened and that the Templars had a lot more to offer in terms of gory fun. I'm still in two minds as to whether to carry on with this series. We'll see... (And yes, that final image is from the film, despite looking as though it's crept in from a Mario Bava giallo.)
4/10
evlkeith

(Average rating for the season so far = 5.7)



If you like this you could also try:
Burial Ground: Nights of Terror, Return of the Evil Dead.

Review - The Big Blue (1988 - Dir. Luc Besson)

The season climax, and again I harboured high hopes for Besson's deep sea diving master class. There’s plenty of sweeping, beautifully shot European landscapes, arty diving scenes and dolphins; what could possibly go wrong? Unfortunately, I purchased the Director’s Cut and although I doubt the edited highlights would be any better, at least they would be over quicker. Clocking in at almost three hours for the full film, I’m sure you could condense the enjoyable bits into about three minutes.

Let’s start with the positives; the opening childhood scenes, shot in black and white, are intriguing and to a certain extent, mouth-watering. I remember thinking that the film could not be all bad with such a beautiful start. However I was wrong. To complete the positives we soar with the camera across lush landscapes, we descend under the ice for some extreme low temperature diving action and there’s quite a few dolphins to add to the cutesy factor.

Now let’s get down to business. I rarely need to post a spoiler warning as I seldom mention the film, let alone what goes on in these reviews. However I’m going to make an exception for this especially tortuous case and tell you exactly what you’re letting yourself in for. There’s a five minute beginning, there’s a five minute ending and sandwiched between these is over two and a half hours of pure purgatory that plays out as follows; if you don’t want to know the result look away now.

Unlike Leon where the lead characters are the only non-cartoon stereotypes, The Big Blue takes the opposite approach and makes the three main characters into cartoon stereotypes as well. There’s the strong silent type (Jean-Marc Barr), the competitive extrovert (Jean Reno, [see Leon]) and the gorky, bimbo (Rosanna Arquette). Basically the two boys dive against each other, one dives deeper than the other, they reflect on this with each other and Arquette in sulky/smug fashion, depending on the winner. They then repeat this process over and over and over and over again! For hours!
Rosanna Arquette deserves a special mention. I’d only ever seen her in the Madonna ‘Into the Groove’ video before this and I can’t quite believe how gormless she looks and acts. I thought Portman was annoying, but good grief, Arquette takes it to a whole new level.

To make matters worse, if that’s possible, the whole thing is accompanied by the most irritating eighties soundtrack ever recorded; it’s cheesy, amateurish and cringe-worthy, even by eighties standards.
0/10

To sum up the Besson season; it’s been hard work. For a director I thought I’d like, his self styled ‘visionary’ films are, not to put too fine a point on it, terrible. They combine stereotypical characters with poor plotting that no amount of aerial landscape shots can pull back from the brink. On the plus side, I really enjoyed Angel-A, so save yourself a lot of time and money and watch that instead. Luc Besson, we salute you.

Doccortex

(The final average rating for the season = 2)



If you like this you could also try:
Atlantis, Flipper.

Review - Diary of the Dead (2007 - George A. Romero)

This is the point in the series of films where a pleasing undercurrent of social commentary turned into a massive wave filled with all kind of sea related detritus that crashed repeatedly into my skull, causing brain pain. Yep, Diary of the Dead makes quite a few comments about all of this new fangled YouTube skullduggery. When the subtext becomes the text, everything gets a bit tiresome, as it often does. Compared to this Land of the Dead is a masterpiece.

Shot on a low budget of $2 million, Diary of the Dead treads the (increasingly well-worn, especially since it was made) path of some crazy college kids making a documentary with their camcorders. You would expect that Romero would have gone for gritty realism to make the central conceit work. Nope. 

The acting across the board is pretty dire, with the main offender being Scott Wentworth playing a professory type with an horrendous English accent. Why is it that English characters in American films and TV shows are always posh? (Except that woman in Frasier.) He's not as bad as that stunningly irritating Slayer-in-Training in Buffy, but his speech is unintelligible at points even with the volume cranked up. 

The actors aren't helped by the script with its constant ramblings on the purpose and ramifications of recording everything. Just as irritating, is the total lack of logic in their behaviour. Zombies all around, lurking about, I know, I'll charge the batteries on my camcorder. No! Leg it, sharpish! Later on they all enter a house and its door is open. What's the first thing you'd do? Shut the door and do a thorough search. No. That would be crazy. You hang around a bit, go back outside to the van and maybe even have a bath. 

The final nail in the coffin of realism are the zombie deaths. There are loads of special effects show pieces: a zombie's head gradually melts away after an acid incident, one is shot so that only the top half of its head remains (with the obligatory still roaming eyes) and yet another suffers from severe vertical head choppage. Not one of these looks remotely real and feel like they should be in a more comedy based zombie film. Then they would have been appropriate. Wait a minute, Romero wasn't aiming for comedy, was he? If so it's not particularly funny. (Saying that, Miranda is supposedly a comedy - and admittedly I've only ever seen one episode - but it didn't make me laugh once. Definitely up there with Lenny Henry and Peep Show.) I digress. The effects jar badly with the hand-held style and only serve to bring the viewer out of the film.

Dario Argento did some top films. Then lost it. Lucio Fulci did some stunningly top films. Then lost it. George A. Romero can be added to that list. This is one for die-hard Romero fans only. But I still can't help having a lot of affection for someone who has worked tirelessly with small budgets and produced some cracking results. And with that in mind I'm still looking forward to Survival of the Dead. Let's see if he can turn it around.
2/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
Virtually any film in our Year of the Dead season. It will probably be better than this.