Review - Dellamorte Dellamore/Cemetery Man (1994 - Michele Soavi)

I'd been desperate to see this ever since I first heard about it. I was aware of Michele Soavi's work through his collaborations with Dario Argento. Stagefright was great. The Church was great. Surely this will be too. Soavi and zombies - brilliant. I finally got it from Italy on Blu-ray. (A few days after it was released here, I later found out. Cheers for that.)

But it's terrible. I absolutely hate it. It's more akin to a French comedy, and an unfunny one at that. 

Right. Calm down. Maybe my expectations are prejudicing me against this film. I'll give it a break and then watch it again at a later date. See you in a bit...

So, I've given it a good few months and watched it again. Has many opinion changed in the slightest? Well, maybe slightly...

I don't mind it when films don't exactly make total sense, and it some cases it actually adds to the film, but this really doesn't make any sense in the slightest. Francesco Dellamorte (Rupert Everett - never very convinced by him) runs a cemetery with his chum Gnaghi who only ever talks in grunts. The dead are coming back to life and Francesco deals with them as an everyday part of his job. And then a pretty lady (Anna Falchi) enters his life, the wife of one of the corpses he has to bury. I don't want to spoil the story, (I'm not sure why, it doesn't really matter in this case) so I'll leave it by saying that Falchi plays a few important roles that left me completely baffled.

I still think that it feels more like a French comedy, something along the lines of Delicatessen. One of the characters has a relationship with a severed zombie head, not in an explicit way, but that's the general tone. Braindead played for laughs and got them. In this the laughs are non-existent as is any tension or horror.

Someone, somewhere will probably love this film though. It is visually gorgeous at times, looking like a precursor to some of Lars Von Trier's recent work. There is atmosphere in abundance but it is a dreamlike atmosphere of extreme quirkiness. I hope that someone does love it, because it feels like a film that should be loved. That person is sadly not me.

3/10

evlkeith

(Average rating for the season so far = 5.6)

If you like this you could also try:
Delicatessen, Braindead, Return of the Living Dead.

Intermission - evlkeith's Fashion Emporium

The other day an old lady came up to me, while I was frequenting a local knocking shop, and asked me, "evlkeith, considering that you're such a fashion icon, why don't you start your own clothes shop?" It's a good question. I'm so busy doing other stuff, like writing film reviews, that I'll probably never get round to creating a multi-million pound fashion behemoth. But if I did, this is what it would be like...

It would be cheap. Not quite 'as chips', but close. And the clothes would be of high quality. They'd last for ages and there would be a complete lack of shrinkage when washed at higher temperatures. Premium products made by a well paid workforce. 

They would also be intensely fashionable. I would spend many millions of pounds on getting the top models and popular music stars to wear my clothes and say how great they are before I open my stores. Everyone would want clothes designed by me.

But here's the catch: I would only allow certain people to buy them. It would be a very exclusive club. All of my stores would screen potential customers before they were allowed to buy. All employees would also have to get through the screening. Here are the tests:

• Muscle mass - as soon as a customer walks in, they pass over a hidden sensor that calculates muscle mass. Anyone with over a certain percentage of muscle, let's say 10%, gets thrown out, by a big burly ex-miner.

• iPhone - owning an iPhone is an instant red flag. As is having owned an iPhone that has since been nicked.

• Attractiveness - anyone deemed to be very attractive immediately gets the boot.

• Social skills - prospective customers would be met by one of my employees of the opposite sex. The employee would try to strike up a conversation with them. If they shuffle around uncomfortably, mumbling quietly, they're in.

• Comics test - customers who have got past the previous rounds would then face a written exam based on their knowledge of comics. Anyone scoring less than 80% is out. 

• Posh house - evidence of a postcode and house number will be required. Anyone who lives in a nice area is shown the door.

• Musical knowledge - a series of pop tunes will be played. Failure to recognise the groups or artists will mean elimination. Possible groups could include The Mars Volta, The Hepburns or The Bodines.

• Fitness - A 10 minute sprint on a running machine with no stop button. If the customer falls through lack of fitness, a crane arm grabber thing picks them up before they hit the deck and places them on a lovely bed of cushions. If the customer/show off manages the full 10 minutes, the crane arm smashes their face into the moving treadmill, which happens to be made out of industrial grade sandpaper. 

You may have realised that all of these tests are designed to weed out the rich, attractive, popular, fit, cool kids. My high quality, high fashion, low price clothes will be for everyone else who can't shop in certain other clothes shops due to their lack of the above qualities.

And when my fashion empire reaches its peak, I would buy out the certain other clothes shops and shut them down. Then I would laugh.

evlkeith

Review - Oblivion Island: Haruka and the Magic Mirror (2009 - Dir. Shinsuke Sato)

If Insomniac Games (of Ratchet & Clank fame) joined forces with an anime production house and made a film, Oblivion Island: Haruka and the Magic Mirror would be that film.

Haruka is a young girl who loses her mirror at an early age. It turns out that it's been nicked by a fox, one of a group of foxes whose job it is to acquire things that have been neglected by humans. She sets off, amazingly enough, on a wonderful journey to find her mirror and meets an amazing cast of colourful characters along the way. Mmm...

The first thing to comment on is how gorgeous the film is. The initial reveal of Oblivion Island is as beautiful as anything in Final Fantasy VII. And like that game, it's a mix of 2D backgrounds and 3D characters, albeit with a slightly higher polygon count. It occasionally goes into full 3D mode, especially for the obligatory rail/minecart sequences, and it still looks rather dashing. It's all so colourful and full of visual creativity that it takes a couple of watches to take it all in.

There are some minor problems that let down the general gorgeousness of the production. The foxes look a little bland and textureless, almost like the characters in Little Big Adventure. Compared to the luxurious feel of everything else they stand out like a sore thumb. The other sore thumbs are the background characters that wander around like the jarring motion captured mobs in Assassin's Creed (or for a film reference, Titanic.) At one point, when a train departed, I spent about five seconds watching one of these clowns mill about. And five seconds seems like a long time when watching low quality animation.

Back on track with the stunning visuals there is a treat of a boss battle along the lines of Shadow of the Colossus, when Haruka has to clamber around a huge beastie in order to defeat it. But unlike that game, there is no feeling of guilt or sadness when it finally dies. It's still cool though due to the involvement of a small toy sheep.

The Baron is a pretty creepy main villain, coming across as a mixture of The King of All Cosmos (Katamari Damancy) and Bionic Commando. His airship has some very unnerving fingers (?) that move in a very spider like fashion. Not to be outdone in the creepiness stakes are the Petitloss, a group of thieving types that live underground. One scene containing them is enough to send a little shiverette down the spine.

So, I've possibly overstated the fact that Oblivion Island borrows heavily from games, and you would think that this makes it a bit on the rubbish side. But it's great. Things that have become ho-hum in games, such as the minecart sequence, are done brilliantly here, even bordering on exciting and never less than fun. That's the best word for this film: fun. I've recently watched Headhunters and I can't be bothered to review it due to sheer blandness. It's not that it's a bad film, it's just that it's not that entertaining. Not fun. I know which of these two films I'm going to be purchasing on Blu-ray very soon...

But Oblivion Island has got even more than the fun factor going for it. There are many small moments of animation, some of which even border on heart-warming, that lift it above the average. It is a children's film, but it doesn't include cheeky little nods to the adult audience or pop culture references. And it's all the better for it. Embrace your childlike side and give it a whirl.
8/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
Summer Wars, The Girl Who Leapt Through Time.

So, it's back to the Battle of the Seasons and with the Luc Besson Season performing brilliantly recently, let's see how he fared in the overall chart:

9. The Luc Besson Season = 2 (Average rating for the entire season)

8. The Musical Season = 3.2

7. The Sword and Sorcery Season = 4.4

6. The 80s Prison Season = 4.6

5. The Gritty Season = 6.4

4. The Buddy Movie Season = 7

3. The Mark Dacascos Season = 7 

2. The Christmas Season = 7.3

1. The Fog Season = 8

(The Mark Dacascos Season is placed above The Buddy Movie Season due to it having five films in it, compared to The Buddy's three.)

And Luc should look pretty miserable. What a useless showing. Bottom of the pile and below the mostly dire Musical Season. It's begs the question, why did Doccortex bother? Ah well, let's look forward to the next season, which will again be a selection of films from just one director. Find out who soon.

evlkeith