Intermission - Dinner Party Tips Part 2

People are always coming up to me down the local bingo hall and saying, "evlkeith, you hold all these swanky, sophisticated dinner parties for your many friends, can you give me some advice? I'm serving some fancy bread (I may even go down the highly decadent Kingsmill route) and I want to know what sort of cold fat to spread on it. Please, please can you help?"


You have many options. Let's go through them:

• Lard. Cheap and cheerful but it does tend to clag up your throat as it goes down. Only use lard if you're really desperate.

• Trex. Not bad and it's a lot lower in fat than butter. But who wants low fat when you're supposed to be enjoying yourself? No-one. Next option.

• I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Because I Have No Taste Buds Due To Drinking A Bottle Of Hydrochloric Acid. Enough said.

• Olive oil. Come off it. There's fancy and there's just showing off. You can't even spread it. Next.

• Let's face facts, there's only one real option. It has to be the King of cold fats: Lurpak. Once you've tasted it you'll recoil in horror at the mere mention of using a substitute cold fat. Give your guests Lurpak and they will be talking about your dinner party prowess for years to come. Go on, give it a try, you won't be disappointed.

evlkeith