Monday, 3 June 2013

Review - Dragon Quest (2009 - Dir. Mark Atkins)

I kind of knew what to expect: it's called Dragon Quest and I got it from Poundland. The whiff of 'Straight to DVD'ness was so excessively pungent I nearly died from asphyxiation, yet I gave it a chance. I'll come to the reason why later...

The massive shame about this film is that they had access to some okay locations, the effects capabilities to render large battle scenes, all of the requisite technical gear, and a bunch of bargain basement actors, but the script is so unoriginal and dull it begs the question, "Why did they even start filming?" The cynical part of me, (is there any other part?) might say that they knew that it would make a modest amount of money on DVD, and it probably has. There must have been virtually zero effort at the writing stage to try to inject any new ideas or more importantly, fun.

See what you think to this: A young lad, Arkadi (Daniel Bonjour - the French male version of Hello Kitty) is on a quest to save a kingdom. On the way he meets a merry band of chums who either help or hinder him on his quest. There is a piece of jewellery that plays an important/boring part in the proceedings. And there's a dragon type thing that's all black and charred because it's on fire. Sound strangely familiar?

Despite all this it could have been entertaining. Arkadi has to face a series of tasks to gain precious stones for his manly necklace. But they're all so nondescript that it's not that clear sometimes why he's actually received a stone. Here's an example of how terrible they are: Arkadi sees a gorgeous naked lady having a bath and she beckons him to join her. He doesn't. Here you go lad, have a stone. What kind of a hero is he? He'd rather decorate his accessories rather than wink and click at ladies. He's pathetic.

Yet, Dragonquest has one saving grace, one glimmer of fun: Marc Singer (AKA The Beastmaster, and the main bloke off of the original V). He hams it up like a prime piece of Pek and gurns at every available opportunity. But he's fun. I'd lose consciousness for long periods of time watching this slice of purgatory, but hearing his voice always brought me back. He even gets to show his sword swinging moves in a Beastmaster inspired shot. It was the only part of the film that received a little cheer from me. Marc Singer is another blameless actor in the style of obscurendure hero, Mark Dacascos. He can do no wrong where I'm concerned.

So in the final rating, all of the points are only awarded due to Marc Singer. If you do feel the need to watch this, just keep fast forwarding to the Singermeister. You won't be missing anything.

If you like this you could also try:
The Beastmaster, Hawk the Slayer, and if you're really desperate for something to watch, Deathstalker.

1 comment:


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