Saturday, 3 December 2011

Review - The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984 - Dir. John C. Broderick)

Kain (David Carradine) is a holy warrior who enters a village at war. The villagers are dying of thirst but there is a well full of water guarded by the evil Zeg's lackeys. Bal Caz is the leader of another faction who is also after control of the well. To gain the upper hand Zeg has captured the sorceress Naja and tries to get her to forge a mega-powerful sword. Obviously, Kain gets involved... 

Here's a typical scene: a big fat camp fella (Bal Caz) in a nappy lies on a bed, a bored looking woman sits by his side with her dumplings out whilst a really bad paper mache crocodile thing chitters into his ear. In a later scene, Bal Caz is carried into the village on a bed/throne combo and severely hams it up. Was this possibly the inspiration for Greasus Goldtooth? (That was me coming out of the Geek Closet, there.)

The dumplings don't end there. Naja has hers out for the first fifteen minutes until Kain covers her up. She's very soon recaptured and her dumplings are out again. Even when she finally escapes and is safe, she still doesn't bother to put them away. She's not the only one though. Most (possibly all) of the ladies have their dumplings out. The director thought that this was all getting a bit dull though, so he throws in a lady with four dumplings. David Carradine looks on, bored. Zeg rubs the end of his weapon and leers. (Not for the first time either: in an earlier scene with a naked Naja, he suggestively strokes his sword. Dirty little tinker.)

The acting is of the sub-panto variety. No one comes out of this unscathed. The prime offenders are Zeg, Bal Caz and Burgo the Slaver who is beyond belief. Worse still are the fight scenes. Normally, when you watch the 'Making Of' features you see them practising fight scenes in slow motion, barely making contact. That's what every fight looks this in this film. There's less force behind the blows than 70s Saturday dinnertime wrestling. One tentacled creature gets killed by little more than a paper cut. As for the full on battles, can you actually have a battle where you don't hit your opponent? Seemingly so. And then there's the half-arsed slave whippings/strokings. Shocking.

You might have guessed that The Warrior and the Sorceress is fairly terrible. Initially, it was quite funny but it becomes very wearing to the point where zero-anesthetic dentistry would be preferable. The villagers who wear gimp inspired masks are the only thing to drag this out of the quagmire. (I promise to finish the Sword and Sorcery season on a high, after the last two useless offerings.)

If you like this you could also try:
The Sword and the Sorcerer, The Lost Empire, any of the Deathstalker films.

1 comment:

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