Saturday, 9 July 2011

Review - The Lost Empire (1985 - Dir. Jim Wynorski)

This was originally going to be part of the 80s Prison Season but the prison content is so very low I couldn't include it. One mud fight between two bouffant laden ladies in a prison doesn't really count as a prison film, although it would have livened up The Shawshank Redemption.

I got this because the reviews were so bad and I thought that this has hidden gem written all over it. Er... no. Can't find it anywhere. Not even in the small print. It starts off as so bad it is good. The comedy moustachioed cop/shurikened-up ninja action shows great promise for the rest of the film. Enter Angel Wolfe (Melanie Vincz) in one of the most inappropriate cop uniforms going. Lady lumps feature prominently. Still all going well.

Then it descends into the realm of terrible. The lack of moustaches means that the acting just becomes bad. Even the humourous eyebrows on Koro (Robert Tessier) don't improve matters much. Lady lumps, big 80s hair, gratuitous exercise scenes involving far too many star jumps grind you into submission. Then in comes The Tall Man himself, Angus Scrimm. How bad can it be? Very. He hams it up so much it becomes unbearable. It doesn't even work as a late night drunken stupor film. Shocking.

I think I've actually made it sound better than it is. Just bear in mind that a large death ray shaped like a John Thomas caps off the experience. This is a film made by a six year old. Who has made a really bad film. Low quality. I should have trusted the reviews.

If you pay the best part of £20 for this you've only got yourself to blame. Rent it if you really feel the need.

If you like this (yeah, right) you could also try:
Red Sonja, Starcrash, any of The Deathstalker films, The Sword and the Sorcerer, Mamma Mia.

No video for this one. Believe me, that's a good thing.

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