Feature - My Ideal Cinema

People often come up to me when I'm in the local florists and say, 'Evlkeith, you watch loads of films, so what would your ideal cinema be like?' Time for a rant, I think.

• My ideal cinema would show old and new films. It would also have double bills, seasons of films and a horror festival. 

• There would be a little cafe attached to it. There would be a limited selection of drinks available: tea (nothing fancy, just normal tea and it would be in a mug, none of this tall/grande malarkey), coffee (again, normal coffee out of a jar, served in a mug) and one cold option (maybe orange squash, coke or at a push, lemonade). This would drastically cut down on queueing times.

• No adverts before the film. If I wanted to watch half an hour of adverts back to back I'd record them off the telly and watch them to my heart's content. But I don't. Because they're rubbish. I might actually buy a product from a famous mobile phone operator, if they stopped irritating me before every film. That goes for whoever does the Ghostbusters advert too. As for those sick puppies tootling down that street, singing and dancing in the Popular Energy Drink commercial: don't get me started.

• One trailer would be acceptable. Just. And it would have to be for a good film.

• No popcorn or sweets or anything rattly would be allowed into the cinema. If you were caught with any of these illegal items you would be immediately evicted and your food burnt to a crisp with a flamethrower.

• If you want to talk about a film, get it on DVD and watch it at home. The filmmakers have probably spent the best part of a year (if not more) making the film. There's nothing takes you out of this carefully crafted experience quicker than some clown asking stupid questions about what's happening. Or having a nice little chat about their cats. Anyone talking would suffer a slightly more extreme punishment. You would be swiftly removed by an 8ft, 30 stone bouncer. You would then be branded with a large X on your forehead (and not a cool X-Men one in a circle neither). This would prevent you from ever being allowed into a cinema again.

• Our final offense that would be eradicated is the use of mobile phones. I know they can be used as a makeshift torch when you come in in the dark. But don't. Pack it in. And just because you hold your phone down low when you're texting, it doesn't stop the light from really irritating me. The punishment: the aforementioned bouncer would remove you, take you to 'The Wet Room', tape a grenade to your mobile, shove it into a dark place (oh, that torch is so handy) and pull the pin. 

• The cinema would be in easy walking distance of a train/bus station, have ample parking and wheelchair access.

After all that, I wake them up, send them on their way and pay for my begonias. 


evlkeith


obscurendure would like to point out the views of evlkeith are his and his alone. We do not condone the burning of food products, branding people with Xs or forcing cinema customers to have intimate fun with a mobile phone/grenade combo. We do agree with wheelchair access though. And the cafe idea, that's okay too.