Review - Rat Man (1988 - Dir. Giuliano Carnimeo (as Anthony Ascot))

Here we go then with David Warbeck's effort in his first round replay against Radha Mitchell. The title didn't really inspire me but I thought that Rat Man may contain some entertainment value in terms of sheer stupidity. Added to that it was written by Dardano Sacchetti so it could feasibly be okay.

Rat Man just cements my feeling that Dardano Sacchetti and Lucio Fulci did their best work together. Apart, well this is the kind of abomination we get. (Fulci can't claim to have done any better on his own, see Zombie Flesh Eaters 2 for evidence.) At least Rat Man has some semblance of a story. Well, vaguely anyway.

A mad scientist fellow decides it would be in the best interests of society if he could cross a rat with a monkey. Amazingly enough, especially with the film's title, he succeeds. He is so pleased with himself he thinks that he may possibly get a Nobel prize. What for? For creating a creature that lives in sewers and shows its backside to passersby? Mmm, maybe. The titular Rat Man escapes from his minuscule cage and goes on a rampage of scratching. (In a bid to further increase his chances of gaining the Nobel prize the scientist gave Ratty poisonous claws. Great.) Fred Williams (David Warbeck) and Terry (another one of Fulci's chums, Janet Agren) are on a search for Terry's model sister who is busy working with a photographer. In Ratty's stomping ground. Or should that be Ratty's pattering ground?

This is a bad film. Not quite up there with the aforementioned Zombie Flesh Eaters 2, but still, it's very bad. Obviously this is an exploitation film. It has gratuitous nudity and also the use of one of the world's shortest men, Nelson De La Rosa, who later went on to work with Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau, possibly inspiring the character of Mini-Me. He plays the title role, replete with savage looking rat teeth. But despite being an expoilationer, it's not particularly funny. In general, it's dull. It follows the pattern of a character going off on their own, then getting clawed and severely deaded. Repeat until asleep.

David Warbeck does nothing to improve the proceedings. In his defence, he doesn't get masses of screen time. We spend most of our precious time with Terry's sister, Monique and her photographer chum. It's similar to Rutger Hauer's role in Hemoglobin. Do the job. Get Paid. Go home. Forget it. It doesn't look like a phoned in performance. More like it's been texted.

Any gore? After all it's only just been released uncut by Shameless. Not really. I only watched it yesterday and I can't remember anything that should have troubled the censors. 

It's not really a disappointing film because I wasn't expecting that much. But due to the lack of fun I found it a completely tiring experience. I can't see Warbeck recovering from this. It seems as though he's just given Mitchell a free pass to the next round.
2/10
evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Pieces, Willard.

Review - The Ark of the Sun God (1984 - Dir. Antonio Margheriti)

The first match in our FA Cup of Actors kicks off with a cheeky back heel from David Warbeck in the form of The Ark of the Sun God. But will it be enough to quash Radha Mitchell's attempts at winning the trophy in its very first year?

It starts off pretty well with wise-cracking thief Rick Spear (Warbeck) walking in the footsteps of the Milk Tray man, lurking in shadows and sneaking into a building. He even gets to use a zip wire in his burgling antics. Action packed stuff with a little twist at the end of this first act. Quite cheap and cheerful but entertaining nonetheless. 

Then things take a turn for the worst. There's about forty or fifty minutes of characters getting abducted, then found again, then abducted, then found etc. It all gets a bit tiresome and the story goes absolutely nowhere. Finally it gets moving again with a quest to find a sceptre that belonged to the god Gilgamesh. Mmm, a quest for a religious artefact... you're probably thinking exactly the same as me: I wonder when Raiders of the Lost Ark came out. It was 1981, and yep, this is an Italian homage/cash-in directed by Antonio Margheriti of Cannibal Apocaplyse fame. 

Compared to Raiders, this comes off really badly. As mentioned previously, it takes an age for Rick to actually pack his bags and get going on his journey. And when he does it's a very short trip: nip in a helicopter, fly a bit, have a little walk and he's there. Seeing as though it's an adventure film there's precious little adventuring.

The villains are pretty low quality ineffectual buffoons too. Their leader is not much better. No subtlety here. Just plenty of ranting and shouting. I don't think Belloq has got anything to worry about.

But it's got David Warbeck in it so it can't be all bad. Funnily enough, he's the best thing about this lacklustre adventure fest. For starters, he tells his lady friend that he's off out to do "man's work". And when he returns from his mission at about 7 o'clock in the morning, he's just in time for a bit of nookie. What a guy. Adding to his manliness is his propensity to wear beautiful clothes along the lines of an eighties style jacket with sky blue trousers. And not content with that, his favourite drink is Bacardi with milk and lots of crushed ice. What kind of sick deviant would like that?!? (Doccortex, the milk pervert, probably would.)

And that's not the end of things that are actually quite good in this film. John Steiner (Tenebrae) appears as a posh English wheelchair bound millionaire type who is willing to fund Rick's adventure. It's a treat to see him in action as usual. Plus he's got a camp butler called Rupert who's "rather good at tying people up". Yeah, I bet he is.

Although it's not a total own goal extravaganza, it's not the best of starts for David Warbeck and I can sense that Radha Mitchell isn't exactly quaking in her boots based on this performance. But it all depends on her randomly selected film, there may still be a late minute winner from Warbeck...
3/10
evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Treasure Hunter, Armour of God, Operation Condor.

Review - The Beyond (1981 - Dir. Lucio Fulci)

And so we reach the end of this mammoth zombie watching spree and what a film to finish with. This seems to have come at a perfect time after my review of Hell's Ground, a film that had lots of weaknesses, yet I couldn't help but like it. The Beyond takes that idea to the extreme.

Liza (Catriona MacColl) inherits an old hotel that funnily enough stands on one of the seven doors to hell. She teams up with Dr John McCabe (David Warbeck) and they investigate the mysterious occurrences. What follows can only be described as a disjointed nightmare that throws logic straight out of the window to its blood soaked death.

I could write a review completely slating this film. It has so many problems. In the excellent book Beyond Terror, Stephen Thrower manages to justify pretty much every aspect in a very convincing and academic manner. (Beyond Terror is well worth tracking down if you're a Fulci fan although it is a tad expensive: £175.98 for a used copy, and for a brand spanking one - £7,708.30.) I think the justification only works if you already love The Beyond though. If you don't it must be fairly easy to brush aside everything he says.

We come back to the all important special ingredients I mentioned in the Hell's Ground review. There is one moment that stands out as slightly nasty, when our hero shoots a girl in the head without thinking about it, (whereas the rest of the time he has a right ponder before killing anything). I think Fulci filmed it that way purely for the shock value of the effect. But apart from that the atmosphere and tone are nigh on perfect. The film gradually descends from having a lovely drink in a New Orleans bar into the fog shrouded bleakness of hell as it reaches its climax. 

The ending is my favourite of any film (just pipping The Wicker Man). I doubt many other people will, but I shed a tear without fail. Maybe it's the fact that David Warbeck is not with us any more that makes it all the more poignant. In this scene Fulci has created a stunning version of hell that is far worse than the usual fieriness and Satan sticking his red hot poker up sinners' backsides. Supposedly the corpses were all homeless people that Fulci talked into acting for him. The visuals are only half of the story though.

The music that kicks in at the end is stunning. Little snippets are heard at various points in the film, but just as the music in City of the Living Dead signifies the beginning of the final act, the soundtrack starts in full force as the zombies prepare themselves for an onslaught. When the music is revealed in all its glory, it always has a massive impact on me. I have to listen to it at a very loud volume, but goosebumps and prickly arm hair ensue on every listening. It fits the on-screen action perfectly and it's also one of the only times when I will sit through the credits just to get the full musical experience. 

Here are some of the things that I love about The Beyond, in no particular order:

• The casting of Veronica Lazar (Mater Tenebrarum in Argento's Inferno) and all of the expectations that go along with that. Her conversation with Joe the plumber is a pure slice of red herring (and it's really funny).

• The stilted dialogue (see the above conversation as a prime example).
• The lighting in the scene between Liza and Emily. Beautifully shot and if it doesn't make a plot point completely obvious the next sequence where Emily runs out hammers it home. The first time I watched this I thought there was something wrong with the sound, but a minute later it all became clear. Clever stuff.

• The baffling spider attack, complete with those shiftily moving pipe clean spiders in the background.

• John McCabe sticking to his rational beliefs for virtually the whole film. Despite the fact that he can see that shooting them in the head is the only way to take the zombies down, he perseveres by shooting them in the torso, refusing to believe in anything supernatural.

• The moment in the lift where David Warbeck tries to load his gun by sticking a bullet down the barrel end accompanied by a couple of frames of Catriona MacColl laughing at him.
• The bloke in the book shop who can't stop giggling.

• The fairly rank pile of matted hair that Martha pulls out of the bath.
• The gorgeous shot of a very straight road with a car bombing along directly towards the viewer.

• The way that Fulci lingers over inconsequential moments, for example, the characters walking up to Emily's house is dragged out for ages.

• "Dicky attack!" Any film that contains a dog called Dicky can't be all bad.
• The creepy piano soundtrack playing in the background only for it be revealed that Emily is actually playing it for her guest, Liza. (Most people put on a bit of Kings of Leon for their guests but not Emily.)

• The gore.

Yep, the gore. The Beyond starts with a black and white scene that involves some rather nasty chain whipping. As usual, Fulci makes us watch this in intimate detail for a good long while. The film then never lets up. There's more of the trademark Fulci eye trauma, acid attacks and gushing neck wounds. Saying all that, it's not your usual zombie flesh munching spectacle. The zombies' mouths are pretty much unused (maybe this is due to the fact that zombies weren't originally going to be in it, but the German financiers insisted) even so, they are still very much a threat. The scenes in the hospital have to be my favourite scenes of zombie action. I don't think the Blu-ray format does The Beyond many favours as the gore probably looks better on old pirated VHS copies. Don't get me wrong, it still looks great, but that grainy distressed look suits the style far more.

If you've never seen this, don't get your hopes up. My rating is definitely a personal thing, although I know of other people who also hold this film in an equally high regard (and still other people who think it's rubbish). Watch it with the knowledge that it may well be a film that you'll come to love. 

Well that's it for our Year of the Dead (hooray!) and very soon we'll have some more information about the FA Cup of Actors. Happy New Year to you dear reader.

10/10

evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Zombie Flesh Eaters, The House by the Cemetery, City of the Living Dead.

Review - Zombie Creeping Flesh (1980 - Dir. Vincent Dawn (aka Bruno Mattei))

I've sat through some entertainingly bad stuff during the course of The Year of the Dead, Nightmare City, Zombie Flesh Eaters 2 and Zombie Flesh Eaters 3 to name a few, but Zombie Creeping Flesh has pushed me over the edge. It is virtually identical to the Zombie Flesh Eaters sequels. Throw together some civilians, some military types and some zombies and watch as hilarity ensues. It's no surprise to find that Bruno Mattei and Claudio Fragasso crop up in the credits for all three.

After an amusing incident in a research facility, where the scientists wear some brilliant helmets that obviously keep out 100% of any contamination (see above), a reporter and her cameraman join forces with a commando unit when everything goes slightly unpleasant due to a zombie horde appearing, who rather than having the appearance of the recently deceased, look more like they've got severely burnt from misuse of fake tan. The plucky chums have lots of adventures including lots of great things that I can't remember because they were so brilliant. They do meet up with some stereotypical natives, which is as offensive as you'd imagine. Basically, they wander around until they get picked off one by one by the zombies.

I like zombie films. I like animals, even when they're shot in slow motion. But a random conglomeration of the two is not good. On occasions the film inexplicably stops for a bit of slow motion animal footage, then carries on with some more zombie action. These speed impeded creatures pop up throughout the whole sorry show. It's as if they wanted to prolong the agony so they thought they'd slap in some stock footage. The worst one is when some mad fox type thing chases a small mammal and kills it. Fair enough if it's a natural history documentary but here it's completely unnecessary.

Not from the film, but you get the idea.

The acting is terrible as usual for these Mattei/Fragasso affairs. Couple that with some quality dialogue and highly accurate dubbing and the whole thing becomes mildly entertaining. It provides a fair few laughs anyway. The noise of someone chucking up after seeing a rather unpleasant sight is one of the highlights. There's yet more dubbing fun to be had when one of the commandos decides to become a transvestite and sing a little ditty. Another thing to look for is the commando who always charges about shooting or lamping zombies and generally getting giddy. Things always liven up when he's on screen. I'll see if I can find a screenshot of him so you know who I'm on about when you watch this.

A transvestite.

A maniac.

Is there anything that's good in this shambles? The music. By Goblin. Need I say more? If you shut your eyes you can almost imagine that you're watching a quality Argento product rather than this pile of steamy poopy. Not Goblin's best but easily the most accomplished element of this film. There's also one nice bit of gore towards the very end involving some eye poppage. Fulci would be proud. Actually he wouldn't. It's not a patch on any of his eye torture scenes but compared to the rest of the lacklustre effects, it's most welcome when it comes.

Given how rubbish it is it's amazing that it's got a couple of iconic shots. And here they are:

Apart from that it's terrible. I have to admit to falling asleep during the middle of it. When I woke the same characters were still alive so either I hadn't slept for long or nothing had actually happened (way more likely). It's not really worth giving the time of day unless you're a zombie completist. Out of the bad Italian zombie films of this period I would have to plump for Nightmare City. At least the zombies get to fire guns and punch people in the face.
2/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
Any of the Zombie Flesh Eaters series, Nightmare City.

Review - Der Fan (1982 - Dir. Eckhart Schmidt)

Here we go then with the final part in our coverage of Celluloid Screams 2013:

Simone (Désirée Nosbusch) is a teenager obsessed with a top German popstar called R (a bit like a mixture between Gary Numan and Kraftwerk). She's completely insane. She writes to him regularly, declaring her love for him and how happy they will be together when they finally meet. And finally meet they do, and things don't quite turn out as she'd wanted.

This is a tale of obsession and neurosis that is particularly uncomfortable to watch due to the young age of the main character. She spends roughly half the film naked. Désirée Nosbusch wasn't too happy with the scenes either and tried to stop its release, but she failed and the full director's cut was available for all. This is a film that wouldn't get made now in its current form. 

Saying that, it's not a bad film. Admittedly any kind of horror content doesn't kick in for a long while but it's worth waiting for. It is quite slow moving and that's okay with me if there is enough of interest along the way and the ending delivers. Which it does. I didn't even mind the almost non-acting. It all adds to the feeling that both of them have got completely empty lives.

It's interesting watching this in the current climate of Operation Yewtree and a culture obsessed with celebrities and their lifestyles. I doubt that much has really changed since 1982, except now the self-obsessed R would have an iPhone to take selfies.

This is one of those films that I'm glad that I've seen, the ending will stay with me for a long time, but I can't say that I'm that keen on watching it again.
6/10
evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Vertigo, He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.