(Many apologies for the lack of posts recently but I haven't been that well. It's even a bit of a struggle writing this. With luck I'll be able to get round to writing a review of the excellent Wolf Children soon too.) I thought that Barbara Crampton could provide us with the first major shock of the FA Cup of Actors. After Émilie Dequenne failed to make the most of her goalmouth chances in The Girl on the Train (only receiving a rating of 6/10), I thought that Crampy could sneak in a cheeky little last minute winner with Robot Wars. Robots fighting. Great stuff. And as long as it didn't turn out like the underwhelming BBC series of the same name, where the flamethrower and chainsaw attachments never really amounted to much, how could it go wrong?
Pacific Rim went for a similar formula of robots fighting monsters and the fights were pretty great. It was the completely useless story that the fights hung off that let the whole film down. Well in Robot Wars, there's a similarly useless story, but sadly, the fights are virtually non-existent.
The Earth has had a bit of a bad time due to the toxic gas scare of 1993 (must have been that jar of curried pickled eggs I had from the Abbey Friar). The survivors are at war with a rebel faction called the Centros who want to resurrect a hidden mega robot. Luckily they've got their own mega robot in the form of a mechanised scorpion complete with nippy little pincer things. Drake, (Don Michael Paul - sounds like his parents couldn't make up their minds on his first name so they gave him three) a mega robot pilot, teams up with archaeologist Leda (Barbara Crampton) to thwart those pesky Centros. And no, there's not a hint of Lara Croft style costumery.
Yep, the plot's rubbish but it's the fights that are unforgivable. The first battle consists of close ups of the scorpion mega robot loping along, occasionally shooting, and a tank that, again, occasionally shoots. This goes on for ages. There is never a sniff of a wide shot to show any kind of manoeuvring. The whole thing feels like the scorpion and the tank are in two completely separate locations (which they are) and as a viewer I felt completely removed from the supposed action. (To simulate this battle just stare at the first photo below for five seconds then look at the next. Then repeat. For added fun, make a few shooty noises.)
The second (and final) battle isn't much better. At least this time the two protagonists share the screen for a bit of what can best be described as wriggling. It's pathetic. Without great fights there's nothing else going on that's worth your time.
I know that Barbara Crampton isn't known for her stunning performances in art films, yet her films are generally enjoyable (apart from the dire You're Next). The best you can say about her performance here is that it at least paid for a few jars of industrial size Marmite. (It's ironic that Crampy knocked out Joan Fontaine in the last round who suffered from the same phoned in performance in Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.) Given that, she's easily the best aspect of this sorry mess. (Apart from the fact that it only lasts 71 minutes.)
I wasn't expecting much from a Charles Band production but when one of the highlights is a Puppet Master joke you know things are getting desperate. So sorry, Barbara you haven't managed to knock out the odds-on favourite in a startling giant-killing fashion. Dequenne, you're through to the semi-finals. 2/10 evlkeith If you like this you could also try: Pacific Rim, Robot Jox.
I'm not sure whether this scenario counts as exploitation of the vulnerable, but see what you think... Zin is the lover of Yakuza boss Masashi. She works for her ex, a Thai gangster called No.8. Zin and No. 8 have a minor fall out, with No. 8 shooting his own toe (?) then at a later date chopping off Zin's toe. Anyway, Zin has a daughter to Masashi but No. 8 forbids Zin from seeing Masashi again (it's all a bit complicated). The daughter, called Zen (Yanin Vismitananda), turns out to be autistic and a dab hand at catching objects that are thrown at her face. Zin and Moom, a young boy she's taken in, decide to make some cash by using Zen as a street performer. Everyone gathers in a ring round her and chucks stuff at her, which she catches. Then they cough up some dough. Hooray. After watching some martial arts films, like the director's own Ong-bak, Zen develops the ability to kick people around a fair bit. So Moom and Zen embark on a quest, collecting debts owed to Zin to pay for her cancer drugs.
So yep, it is exploitation but at least it's for a good reason. Although the inclusion later on of another adult with a learning disability who fights on the side of the gangsters left an unpleasant taste in the mouth and felt decidedly unnecessary.
Despite this Chocolate is actually a pretty good scrapping film. It doesn't go down the Ong-bak route of not using wires for the lead actor but they seem to have used wires more for safety than for performing supernatural leaps like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Given that they were used there are still a surprising amount of injuries shown in the credits sequence. It's actually really funny. Not the fact that people got hurt making the film, but more the way it's edited. Someone gets kicked in the face. An ice-pack is applied. Someone gets punched in the face. Ice-pack. Someone gets slapped in the chicken nuggets. Cue ice-pack. (Maybe the slapped nuggets doesn't actually occur but you get the idea.) A neck brace appears at one point, which possibly isn't that funny.
The stunt where this happens is in the final fight scene set on the side of a building and it's impressive stuff. Zen regularly boots hoodlums off the narrow ledges and they fall to ground level, hitting other ledges as they plummet. Admittedly they were slowed slightly by wires but the falls still look brutal. Let's face facts, that's why we love Jackie Chan films and stuff like this: there's virtually no health and safety. The actors certainly suffer for their art which makes it far easier to appreciate them.
Probably the stand out stunt is when Zen runs towards a low glass table and slides under it. At the exact same moment a crime boss type throws a wooden pallet just over the top of the table at her. This could have gone really badly wrong if the timing had been even marginally out. The ice-packs would definitely have been needed. (Along with a surgeon who specialises in skull breakages and facial reconstructions. Or possibly an undertaker.)
Good fight films have scraps that are all different in some way. Chocolate manages this task perfectly well. One fight involves Zen doing a quality Bruce Lee impersonation, another has her using two big sticks to batter criminals and yet another has her fighting in an abattoir with all of the lovely weapons that location suggests. All in all the variety keeps things interesting right up to the end.
As for Yanin Vismitananda, well she's one to watch. I've already got another couple of her films on my radar: Raging Pheonix and This Girl is Bad-ass!! (That's if some kind person gets around to releasing the latter in the UK.) She seems to have a natural flair for comedy and I must say that I like a few laughs with my bone-crunching, plum-squashing action.
This lacks the really brutal edge of Ong-bak (no elbows plummeting vertically down on heads here) but it makes up for it with engaging lead characters. The story is non-descript but I don't watch these films for their stories. Enjoyable stuff. 7/10 evlkeith If you like this you could also try: Ong-bak, Police Story.
Excessive. And that's the way I like it. Hard Boiled is so excessive it could be done for retina and eardrum GBH. There are so many guns, so many bullets and, in the finale, so many explosions. This is what action films should be like. It is so action packed it feels more like a FPS than a film.
Hard boiled cop Tequila (Chow Yun-Fat) is on the trail of dome dodgy triad types. Tony (Tony Leung) works for Uncle Hoi, a triad boss. Their paths inevitably cross and the bullets fly. Enter Johnny Wong (the ubiquitous Anthony Wong - Heroic Trio, amongst many others), another triad boss. He mixes things up in this grimy underworld and the bullets fly again.
Hard Boiled shows a complete disregard for Health and Safety laws and indeed, human life. The stunt team are completely fearless. When the fights kick off, the stunts come thick and fast, most looking like they could cause paralysis at the very least. And when they're not hindering the stunt team's future mobility, they're giving them third degree burns from the shotgun blasts that explode at close range. They even involved a large group of babies in the mayhem. I dread to think how many people were hospitalised during the making of this.
Chow Yun-Fat is a total hero. If anyone wants a definition of the word cool just show them Chow Yun-Fat in this film. In one scene, he swings into a meeting of all of the local triads and takes them on. By himself. It's just him against an army. The choreography is excellent as he spins, twirls and dives (all in the trademark John Woo slow-motion) obviously firing many guns as he does so. When the end of the world comes I'm going to track him down to be in my Armageddon team, along with Ray Mears and Mary Berry. All the bases covered: super-cool violence, survival and salad dressings.
Despite being made in the nineties Hard Boiled has a very eighties feel. It looks like there's some definite Tony Scott involvement. The atmosphere is very smoky and the lighting is perfectly eighties. The vibe is finished off by the cheesy eighties soundtrack.
The story is standard issue with all of the things you'd expect from John Woo: friendship, romance and betrayals. No great shakes but it's just enough to give your senses a break from all of the killing. If you're coming to Hard Boiled looking for an involving deep storyline that uncovers a great human truth, then you'll be sadly disappointed. Whereas, if you're after an incredibly high body count...
One of the Frequently Asked Questions on IMDb is, "How can Tequila fire so many bullets without reloading?" Who cares? Keep the bullets flying. 7/10 evlkeith
If you like this you could also try: The Killer, Police Story 1-3.
I’d seen this before many years ago and had unreasonably high expectations for it’s hitman with a heart charms. Sadly, it never quite lived up to the memory and sits in the sad netherworld of average-ness. Having said that it’s a clever, engaging and well-made film. So what exactly are the issues with Besson’s premium assassination based drama?
1. Natalie Portman. I’ve got to admit this is a personal issue with Portman, but she just ruins the film for me (Don't disrespect the Portman. She's great - evlkeith). On the face of it she’s attractive, well cast, and for one so young, a precocious talent. In reality you just get the sense that she knows how good she is and gives off the feeling that she’s a smug show off (for 'smug show off' read 'talented' - evlkeith). An attitude she transmits in all her films.
2. Characterisation Apart from the two leads, all the characters are essentially stereotypes. This is especially true of Gary Oldman’s villain and Danny Aiello’s mafia boss. This is not always a bad thing, but in this case it gives the film a cartoony and shallow feel. At times, it's as if you're watching Matilda by Roald Dahl and Miss Trunchbull will appear and pummel Leon to death before he can shoot anyone.
3. It's uncomfortable viewing Although the film treads a fine line with it's portrayal of the relationship between Leon and Matilda, it never steps over it. It plays the whole thing with a straight bat which is no bad thing, but the whole thing is still uncomfortable viewing the first time you watch the film.
To summarise: it's an average, shallow and uncomfortable viewing experience. Throw that show off Natalie Portman into the equation and it pushes the film's score somewhat below average. I'm beginning to doubt the rationale behind a Besson season (Me too. What were you thinking? - evlkeith)
4/10 Doccortex (Despite the fairly duff review the average rating for the season has soared to a massive 3/10. Things are on the up for Mr Besson.)
If you like this you could also try: Nikita, Ronin, Fargo.
The world of early Twentieth Century Paris. A quirky comic book adaptation with a feisty heroine, old school adventure and pterodactyls. What's not to like? Well, virtually everything really.
It all sounds like a great idea, but Besson somehow manages to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory with this half-hearted attempt at humorous, mainstream blockbuster. The paper thin plot surrounds the search for a cure for Adele's sick sister. She encounters Indiana Jones style archaeology, reanimated mummies and a computer generated pterodactyl on the way, but the whole thing plays out like a tribute band's interpretation of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Even the main villain looks exactly like the little German fellow in Spielberg's epic.
It's not a terrible film, it's just dull and not funny. However if you like badly rendered computer generated animals then the pterodactyl is up there with the all time classics. It's more convincing than the deer in the Ring 2, but so much worse than the big cats in I am Legend. It blatantly can't act either and I have my doubts whether it was constructed around the French version of Andy Serkis. In reality it was probably knocked up on Bamzooki.
The main problem in the film centres around the casting of Louise Bourgoin as our heroine. Admittedly she's attractive but doesn't provide any of the quirks or feistiness that the character needs. Clearly she's not French, but I'm sure Zooey Deschanel would have jumped at the chance. Only the hapless sister, (Laure de Clermont-Tonnerre) resplendent with knitting needle stuck in head, comes out of this caper with any credit at all.
It's a disappointing execution of a promising idea and to be honest it was a struggle to sit through all of it. Probably best avoided in favour of watching Bamzooki instead for more realistic creatures. 2/10
Doccortex (Average rating for the season so far = 2)
If you like this you could also try: Angel-A, The City of Lost Children.
I enjoyed the original Ong-bak and so I was looking forward to a bit more elbow on head action. But problems started before I even started watching it. It's a prequel. Has there ever been a good prequel? I can't think of any. I'm never very interested in what happened before, I want to know what happens next. And weren't the Clone Wars far more enticing and interesting when they hadn't been explained. So, prequels - bad.
Next up are flashbacks that give us loads of really interesting backstory. Ong-bak 2 has some really dull examples of this. The worst episode of Farscape is the Scorpius backstory episode. Evil characters lose some of their power when all is revealed about their difficult pasts that go some way to explaining their evilness. It would be better if they were a right rum lad as a child, shooting daddy long legs with a ruler and rubber band combo, and other stuff like that. So again, flashbacks - bad.
I'm already up to the third paragraph and I haven't exactly said that much about the film. And therein lies the main problem. I only watched it last night and I can't really remember anything about it. Apart from a pretty cool elephant scene. But that comes very early on. There just isn't anything memorable or special about it, even in a really bad way.
The fights in the original were great but in this, they're dull. There is a fight where Tien (Tony Jaa), a warrior out for revenge (that's all you need to know storywise), has to take on three opponents one after the other. Imagine the scene: judges sit in a line in the background to assess his abilities, the camera looks straight at them with the combatants slugging it out in the middle, and tracks in a parallel motion to the action. Yep, it looks exactly like a 2D fighting game. Except without the fireballs. Maybe someone who knows all of the intricacies of the different fighting styles would enjoy all this malarkey, but after the exciting fight sequences of the first film this all feels distinctly lacklustre. There's no jumping through rolls of razor wire in this.
I really can't think what else to write apart from the ending is a bit of a disappointment too. I've got the third film in my pile of things to watch and it looks as though it carries on where this film left off. Can't say I'm that enamoured with the idea. If you haven't seen Ong-bak it's probably a good idea to watch that. If you have seen, it's probably a good idea to watch it again rather than this. 2/10 evlkeith
Appleseed (1988) is probably the most faithful visual representation of the manga by Masamune Shirow (creator of Ghost in the Shell). The later films Appleseed (2004) and Appleseed Ex Machina are both CGI and due to the 3D nature of their character models differ greatly from their 2D inspiration. Ex Machina makes the furthest departure by making Deunan worryingly attractive especially compared to the fairly butch shot-putter in this version.
It may be faithful visually but the names are all over the place. Deunan Nat (normally known as Deunan Knute) and Bularius (Briareos in the manga) are members of SWAT in the utopia known as Olympus. You wouldn't think that SWAT would have to lot to do, or even exist in a utopia, but exist they do and they've got problems; someone is not happy in paradise. So unhappy that they decide to thieve a mobile gun platform and obliterate the city. But how have they done this? Maybe they've had some help from a cop on the inside...
Appleseed combines mecha, cyberpunk and sociology to produce something a little bit different. The way it's written makes the viewer identify with the terrorists - always a risky choice. When one of the characters discusses how some of the city's inhabitants are still not happy, despite having everything they want they have nothing to fight or strive for, I can see where he's coming from. This brings to light the important distinction between what people want and what people need. What I want is a huge Scalextric set with all the trimmings, but what I need is a slap.
The mecha action is only so-so and there are better examples out there (Neon Genesis Evangelion to name but one). The finale involving the mobile gun platform never quite gets going and feels like a bit of a letdown. The designs are pretty cool, especially on the baddie Sebastian's landmate which is particularly nasty with its evil claw action.
The main draw of Appleseed, as always, is the relationship between Deunan and bunny-eared cyborg Briareos. They obviously work well as a team but deeper feelings are also hinted at. The depth of their relationship is never revealed in its entirety. It still all feels a little underdeveloped though and this aspect maybe only fully comes to fruition in Ex Machina.
This is quite an old slice of anime and it has dated, but at only 67 minutes it doesn't outstay its welcome and I managed to get it dirt cheap. If all of this doesn't convince you that it's at least worth a punt, it contains a pipe smoking lady and a male cop called Karen. But there are better entries in the series... 5/10 evlkeith
If you liked this you could also try: Patlabor, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Ghost in the Shell.
