Review - The Violent Kind (2010 - Dir. The Butcher Brothers)

For the first half hour of the film you’re never quite sure what genre the film is heading for. It’s an unusual and pleasant feeling as we criss-cross from biker gang violence into spooky supernatural happenings and back again. In fact the first half of the film is a thoroughly enjoyable romp at the junction of gritty motorcycle gang street and spirit possession avenue. In fact I had little idea that this was anything less than a big budget production with some quality acting, with Cory Knauf and the tasty Taylor Cole the most noticeable.

Possibly the most notable feature of the film is the amount of punching in the face that takes place. It’s a veritable festival of bare knuckle fist fighting throughout in a semi-slapstick fashion that reminded me of a combination of Rocky, Bottom and The Sweeney. A heady cocktail if ever there was one. If you like seeing people, and sometimes demons, get punched in the face, then you’re in for a treat.

Sadly however, this is a game of two halves and just as the film reaches fever pitch everything goes pear shaped. After the half time jaffa-cakes it all looks cheap and amateurish, and not in a good way either. The actors drafted in are not a patch on the originals and you really want to put your head in your hands, with Pussywagon and Trixie straight out of pantoland. The plot changes from a decent horror story into a jazz hands infused, Clockwork Orange meets Grease parody of Rebel Without a Cause on steroids. In a capitulation not seen since Halifax Town visited Belle Vue in the early 90’s, the film snatches defeat from the jaws of victory in a big way.
(That was a bad, bad day - evlkeith)

The spooky and atmospheric ending is too little too late as I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth, and a feeling that I’d been cheated out of watching the actual second half of The Violent Kind. If you want to make a rubbish film then make a rubbish film, but don’t make half a good film then dash our hopes by drafting in the acting equivalent of Chico and the Cheeky Girls from the X-Factor halfway through. We were robbed!

7/10 for the first half, 0/10 for the second half.

0/10 overall for cheating us.
Doccortex

If you like this you could also try:
Doing something really great - like eating toast spread thickly with gorgeous Marmite - and then do something fairly horrible, drinking liquidized cat vomit, for instance.

Review - The Big Blue (1988 - Dir. Luc Besson)

The season climax, and again I harboured high hopes for Besson's deep sea diving master class. There’s plenty of sweeping, beautifully shot European landscapes, arty diving scenes and dolphins; what could possibly go wrong? Unfortunately, I purchased the Director’s Cut and although I doubt the edited highlights would be any better, at least they would be over quicker. Clocking in at almost three hours for the full film, I’m sure you could condense the enjoyable bits into about three minutes.

Let’s start with the positives; the opening childhood scenes, shot in black and white, are intriguing and to a certain extent, mouth-watering. I remember thinking that the film could not be all bad with such a beautiful start. However I was wrong. To complete the positives we soar with the camera across lush landscapes, we descend under the ice for some extreme low temperature diving action and there’s quite a few dolphins to add to the cutesy factor.

Now let’s get down to business. I rarely need to post a spoiler warning as I seldom mention the film, let alone what goes on in these reviews. However I’m going to make an exception for this especially tortuous case and tell you exactly what you’re letting yourself in for. There’s a five minute beginning, there’s a five minute ending and sandwiched between these is over two and a half hours of pure purgatory that plays out as follows; if you don’t want to know the result look away now.

Unlike Leon where the lead characters are the only non-cartoon stereotypes, The Big Blue takes the opposite approach and makes the three main characters into cartoon stereotypes as well. There’s the strong silent type (Jean-Marc Barr), the competitive extrovert (Jean Reno, [see Leon]) and the gorky, bimbo (Rosanna Arquette). Basically the two boys dive against each other, one dives deeper than the other, they reflect on this with each other and Arquette in sulky/smug fashion, depending on the winner. They then repeat this process over and over and over and over again! For hours!
Rosanna Arquette deserves a special mention. I’d only ever seen her in the Madonna ‘Into the Groove’ video before this and I can’t quite believe how gormless she looks and acts. I thought Portman was annoying, but good grief, Arquette takes it to a whole new level.

To make matters worse, if that’s possible, the whole thing is accompanied by the most irritating eighties soundtrack ever recorded; it’s cheesy, amateurish and cringe-worthy, even by eighties standards.
0/10

To sum up the Besson season; it’s been hard work. For a director I thought I’d like, his self styled ‘visionary’ films are, not to put too fine a point on it, terrible. They combine stereotypical characters with poor plotting that no amount of aerial landscape shots can pull back from the brink. On the plus side, I really enjoyed Angel-A, so save yourself a lot of time and money and watch that instead. Luc Besson, we salute you.

Doccortex

(The final average rating for the season = 2)



If you like this you could also try:
Atlantis, Flipper.

Review - Mamma Mia (2008 - Dir. Phyllida Lloyd)

I hate musicals. I hate Abba. Being a total masochist I've decided to review Mamma Mia for you, dear reader. I've decided to do something a little bit different with this review because of the slightly non-obscure nature of the film. I wrote the review as I watched the film, in timeline form (admittedly some of the timings may be slightly off due to extreme shock) so that you have to experience the whole thing along with me. Because of the family nature of this site, be aware that many words have been omitted from the review. Liberally sprinkle my words with blasphemy and harsh swearing and you're closer to the reality. So strap yourselves in, assume the crash position and prepare yourself for a bumpy ride. 

0:54 Already into an Abba song. Nightmare. Let's check how long this abomination lasts... 1 hour and 42 minutes!!! They're having a laugh. 

2:16 Firth. This is not looking good.

2:56 Some girls are hugging each other in what can only be described as fake girliness whilst screaming, "OH MY GOD!" at each other.

4:12 Dire acting with yet more fake girliness. This film is aimed at six year old girls.

4:45 Who actually likes this? The singing and the backing vocals and the dancing are all choreographed. Just how do they know these routines?

6:16 Yet more fake girliness. Does it ever end?

6:18 Streep.

7:09 Fake English swearing from Firth.

7:19 More "OH MY GOD!"ing.

10:12 Some young posh lad has just walked in with a cowboy hat and cigar and did a comedy shimmy. Die.

11:20 Why is everyone so fake and hamming it up? And now we get some fake girliness with some pensioners.

12:34 Why can't they just act properly?

14:30 This set looks so fake.

15:35 A really embarrassing misunderstanding about the new fangled internet by Streep.

16:28 Streep is singing. Someone make her stop now.

17:26 Now a load of extras are joining in with a hearty, "HA".

18:24 Streep is doing a Titanic. What possible enjoyment value is there in this for anyone?

19:33 Bad thong gag about flossing that was old when cavemen wore fur thongs.

20:50 They all look really badly green screened onto a comedy island background. Eldorado had higher production values than this.

22:50 Firth being really posh and representative of about 0.1% of the UK.

24:40 Firth being really posh again. I need a cup of tea.

25:01 Avatar was bad and would get 0/10, but this in a completely different league of film torture. Can I go into negative numbers on the rating for once?

25:20 Streep's singing again. People above fifty should be banned from singing in public.

26:40 Now she's clawing at the air like she's overdosed on over-acting pills.

27:25 Ooh. Comedy fall. Genius.

28:50 Is that oh-so-subtle camera move suggesting that Streep and Brosnan are going to get together at the end of the film?

29:50 Now Walters is singing. Why do they have to sing?

32:20 I hate Abba. When I invent my time machine, I'm going to nip back and imprison them in separate isolation booths, all on different continents. They can be fed hummus and liver piping for the rest of their miserable lives.

35:09 Walters is waggling her backside - another activity that should be banned for the over 50s.

36:10 Streep's doing a jumpy splits thing. Banned.

36:50 Comedy gold.

37:21 I can't believe there's another hour of this. Kill me now.

38:25 Streep + Air Guitar = Banned.

38:45 My heart is racing. I'm getting properly stressed.

39:40 Firth's got a guitar. Please no. Don't let him sing.

40:07 Oh come off it. This has gone way beyond the pathetic joke it started out as.

40:35 What the hell is Brosnan singing for? He peaked with Goldeneye on the N64 (and he wasn't too bad in the Bond films) but now... What was he thinking? How to lose all self respect in one easy step.

41:15 This young lad is really irritating. Please die.

44:20 Beethoven has got more going for it. At least that had a dog in it.
45:20 I'm speechless. There are men in Speedos and flippers. Dancing.

46:37 Abba should be ashamed for giving birth to this monstrosity.

47:20 I don't think I can cope with the rest of this.

48:33 All of these actors are busy counting their money in their heads and laughing at everyone who bought this (luckily, I nicked my copy).

49:50 Where's Andy Bell when you need him?

50:47 "Someone up there has got it in for me." Exactly how I feel Streep.

54:00 Just do a DNA test and stop singing!

54:47 This is endless torture.

55:06 Now we're into Alan Partridge territory.

56:00 Dancers. I can't really comment on dancers without writing something massively offensive that would result in my incarceration.

57:56 More comedy gold from Walters.

1:00:25 I'm getting concerned that my will to live has been secreted away in some secret location that I will never locate for the rest of my sorry life. I need vodka.

1:03:21 Brosnan, please, no more. I submit.

1:05:23 Nobody who worked on this film should be allowed to work ever again.

1:06:00 This really bad actor is going to be a dancer, isn't he?

1:07:35 Dancers over-acting. Well I never.

1:08:28 Oh aye, here he goes. Filthy little dancer.

1:10:05 It's not even well directed. We're in true soap style here. Over the shoulder shot of her. Over the shoulder shot of him. Repeat ad deatheum.

1:12:17 The songs never stop. 

1:12:48 I honestly feel ill. Properly physically ill.

1:14:25 The plot would only take up about five minutes of a normal film. But oh no. Let's shoehorn in 17 million Abba songs.

1:20:04 Has anyone got a tub of aspirin?

1:20:10 Or a razor blade?

1:20:40 Failing that, a blunt rusty butter knife?

1:27:28 So yeah, that one clumsy camera move earlier on did give away the whole minuscule plot. Why did they bother?

1:29:56 A sides weren't enough. They've had to delve into B sides too.

1:33:15 Now Brosnan's got his shirt off. Streep, keep yours on. And you Walters.

1:35:15 Yes!!! It's finished!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Now let me just go and chuck up, give my brain a scrub with Vim and maybe I'll only suffer severe nightmares for the next 37 years.

1:37:42 NO! THERE'S MORE! 

1:37:43 I bet some people misguidedly think that it's great and empowering for all these pensioners to be dancing, singing and enjoying themselves. No it's not. It's embarrassing and sad and probably an indicator of dementia starting to kick in. Nobody should find enjoyment in that.

I thought that Mamma Mia would be bad but I never realised quite how bad it could be. I feel dirty. I feel violated. This kind of filth should be on the Nasties List. At least that's the end of The Musical Season. Anything's got to be better than this. Sleep well. I won't.
0/10
evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Taking brain medicine.

Review - V/H/S (2012 - Dir. Ti West, Adam Wingard, Radio Silence, Joe Swanberg, Glenn McQuaid, David Bruckner)

In my recent review of Dying Breed I talked about it being a contender for a film that sums up everything that is bad about horror films. It may have been a contender but it's been brutally beaten into submission by V/H/S.

This is an anthology by up and coming horror directors (I expected more from Adam Wingard after the reasonable A Horrible Way to Die) all framed by a story of some dodgy characters breaking into a house to find an old video tape. Normally anthologies contain a mixed bunch of tales, some good, some bad. Not so in V/H/S. They are uniformly terrible.

Vast swathes of irritating characters assail your senses as the found footage cam charges through yet another forest as the Paranormal Activity drone kicks in again. At many points I thought about leaving and going and getting a pint, but I kept wondering whether the next little story would be better. Should have got a pint.

The best story is shot on iChat. What iChat footage is doing on an old video is anyone's guess, but even so it's the only one that can be described as vaguely watchable. Even this one starts to annoy with a character hacking away at their own arm and prodding around in it without even wincing. 

I'm not going to waste any more time on this. I'm already gutted that I spent two hours watching the thing in the first place. Save yourself the pain and watch Lake Mungo instead.
0/10
evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:

Paranormal Activity, Lake Mungo.

Review - Donkey Punch (2008 - Dir. Oliver Blackburn)

It's not very often I want to turn a film off and go and do something better instead. (Sounds a bit like 'Why Don't You?') Donkey Punch is one, if not the most, irritating film I've seen in a long while. Not since the similar Very Bad Things have I seen a film where I haven't cared for a single character and every one of them has been severely annoying. I really, really hate this film.

Three young ladies are having a holiday in Spain. Pop and crisps are involved. They meet up with three cheeky fellows who take them to the yacht that they work on. There we meet a further fella, the brother of one of the others, who seems to be the only one with any sense. More pop and crisps are consumed. They discuss the pleasant act of 'Donkey Punching': whilst engaging in doggy-style rumpy-pumpy the gentlemen punches the lady on the back of the neck causing her to clench. Lucky lady. Five of them retire for a game of tiddlywinks. (The orgy is filmed in spectacular BBC-o-vision, one kissing incident in particular brought forth a major rant from my delicate mouth.) The king of irritatingness, Bluey (Tom Burke), eggs on Josh (Julian Morris), to Donkey Punch his lady friend (even though later he claims he was joking.) You can guess where this is going...

The first problem is that this event that kicks off the rest of the film happens about half an hour into the running time. Half an hour of not really much happening. I'd got who the characters were, what their situation was, within the first five minutes so why bother with half an hour of tedium. It's not as if the extra twenty five minutes endeared the characters to me. I just wanted them all to die.

The acting is shocking. Soap opera level. I cringed at so many moments. Bluey makes one of the most ridiculously inappropriate noises at one point. If you've seen it you'll know what I mean. Nicola Burley, playing the lead, Tessa, is really bad. I've realised that I haven't had a Ray Winstone rant in these very pages. Suffice to say, I'm not that keen on his acting abilities. But I thought I've give his daughter Jaime Winstone a chance. I'm not that keen on her either. The only actor who can claim the slightest amount of self respect is Robert Boulter.

The script doesn't help the actors with some severely flat dialogue. Also, I'm fairly used to characters in horror films behaving in, let's say, slightly quirky ways but these clowns are so stupid. Imagine it's night and you've escaped from your captors on their yacht, in a small dinghy. You're about a hundred yards from the yacht and they're travelling in the other direction. What do you do? Keep quiet? Hide? Make sure that you don't light anything up to give away your position? Obviously not. They shout at each other and start lighting flares. Then they're surprised that they've been seen. 

I really have nothing positive to say about Donkey Punch. Okay they've made a film, which I can understand is loads of hard work and a bit of a battle at times. But everything about it is so unlikeable. It's not very often that I say I wish I hadn't watched a film, (even Bare Behind Bars is better than this) but if there is one character that I want to forever extract from my memory, it's Bluey. I'd rather spend some quality time with the final version of Bobby from The Divide. As luck would have it I sold my Blu-ray version for £2 at a local car boot. So it only cost me 50p in the end (believe me, it's dear at that). I couldn't help feeling sorry for the person who bought it...
0/10
evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Very Bad Things, Eden Lake.

Review - π (1998 - Dir. Darren Aronofsky)

π is a joyless psychological thriller and the directorial debut of Darren Aronofsky (Requiem for a Dream/Black Swan). It's difficult to say who would like this kind of film. It's bleak, black and white and serious, with choppy, arty camera work and a complete lack of any sense of humour. 

The action centres around Sean Gullette's character Max Cohen, who is an introverted, maths geek with psychological problems. Max becomes obsessed with his mathematical hobby when he discovers a new 216 digit constant that apparently unlocks all aspects of the universe. Obviously he doesn't use it to unlock any of these aspects, but instead gets all intense and depressed by the unwanted attention of some mysterious baddies and some mysterious Jewish guys with big beards. It sounds pretty fun-packed entertainment, however it isn't at all.

It's basically slow moving, self indulgent dirge with a plot that goes nowhere of any interest. Admittedly the beardy Jewish guys provide some hope of a modicum of something interesting, but it's too little too late. Having previously never zero rated a film on obscurendure, I'm trying to look for some positives, but there really aren't any. It's rubbish.

0/10

Doccortex

(I can remember seeing this when it was first released. I can't say that I was that impressed either. It started off okay - number theory can be really interesting - but then the camera work got in the way and I can't really remember much happening. Never a good sign. I've just realised that my sadness quotient has risen dramatically with the phrase 'number theory can be really interesting'. Don't get me started on countable and uncountable sets. They're great. As for the Foundations of Mathematics...
- evlkeith)

If you like this you could also try:
Requiem for a Dream, Black Swan, Fermat's Last Theorem - Simon Singh (Book), The Code Book - Simon Singh (Book)

Review - The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984 - Dir. W.D. Richter)

I don't get it. 


This has got cult film written all over it but it just comes out as rubbish. I think it comes down to the humour. Infantile and silly. 'But evlkeith,' you say 'You love infantile and silly humour, for example Bottom and Monty Python.' True, true. But the difference is that the aforementioned programmes are infantile, silly, surreal, full of toilet humour and people hitting each other repeatedly with cricket bats. Science fiction and comedy can work well together: Weird Science, Farscape and Firefly. Buckaroo Banzai is just pathetic.

The film smells so badly of the 80s it grates. The fashions, the music, the haircuts all irritate me immensely for some reason. Don't get me started on the cast. Peter Weller: great as Robocop, a personality bypassed robot, rubbish as Buckaroo Banzai, a supposed pop star with personality seeping out of every orifice. And just by saying 'Buckaroo Banzai' fifty million times as if he's important, doesn't actually make him important. Then you have Goldblum playing the usual Goldblum character, dressed as a red and white cowboy. Hate him with a passion. John Lithgow plays the baddie and hams it up like pork scratchings are going out of fashion. Really irritating. Christopher Lloyd: great in Back to the Future... oh, you get the idea.

On to the positives then: erm... you can sharpen the edge of the DVD and use it as a Death Frisbee? Oh, okay, at a push, there are some likeably quirky alien spaceship special effects.


I was bored all the way through it and I wanted it to finish so badly. I never want to see this again. Ever. I don't even know if I want to search for images to put in the review. There will be people somewhere who absolutely love this. I'm glad they got some pleasure out of it. I got none. (Pity my poor keyboard. Towards the end of this review, I've really been banging the keys in annoyance. I need to review a good film next to give it a break.)
0/10
evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Big Trouble in Little China, Starcrash, The Lost Empire (if you really want to be tortured).