Review - Robot Wars (1993 - Dir. Albert Band)

(Many apologies for the lack of posts recently but I haven't been that well. It's even a bit of a struggle writing this. With luck I'll be able to get round to writing a review of the excellent Wolf Children soon too.) 

I thought that Barbara Crampton could provide us with the first major shock of the FA Cup of Actors. After Émilie Dequenne failed to make the most of her goalmouth chances in The Girl on the Train (only receiving a rating of 6/10), I thought that Crampy could sneak in a cheeky little last minute winner with Robot Wars. Robots fighting. Great stuff. And as long as it didn't turn out like the underwhelming BBC series of the same name, where the flamethrower and chainsaw attachments never really amounted to much, how could it go wrong?

Pacific Rim went for a similar formula of robots fighting monsters and the fights were pretty great. It was the completely useless story that the fights hung off that let the whole film down. Well in Robot Wars, there's a similarly useless story, but sadly, the fights are virtually non-existent.

The Earth has had a bit of a bad time due to the toxic gas scare of 1993 (must have been that jar of curried pickled eggs I had from the Abbey Friar). The survivors are at war with a rebel faction called the Centros who want to resurrect a hidden mega robot. Luckily they've got their own mega robot in the form of a mechanised scorpion complete with nippy little pincer things. Drake, (Don Michael Paul - sounds like his parents couldn't make up their minds on his first name so they gave him three) a mega robot pilot, teams up with archaeologist Leda (Barbara Crampton) to thwart those pesky Centros. And no, there's not a hint of Lara Croft style costumery.

Yep, the plot's rubbish but it's the fights that are unforgivable. The first battle consists of close ups of the scorpion mega robot loping along, occasionally shooting, and a tank that, again, occasionally shoots. This goes on for ages. There is never a sniff of a wide shot to show any kind of manoeuvring. The whole thing feels like the scorpion and the tank are in two completely separate locations (which they are) and as a viewer I felt completely removed from the supposed action. (To simulate this battle just stare at the first photo below for five seconds then look at the next. Then repeat. For added fun, make a few shooty noises.)

The second (and final) battle isn't much better. At least this time the two protagonists share the screen for a bit of what can best be described as wriggling. It's pathetic. Without great fights there's nothing else going on that's worth your time.

I know that Barbara Crampton isn't known for her stunning performances in art films, yet her films are generally enjoyable (apart from the dire You're Next). The best you can say about her performance here is that it at least paid for a few jars of industrial size Marmite. (It's ironic that Crampy knocked out Joan Fontaine in the last round who suffered from the same phoned in performance in Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.) Given that, she's easily the best aspect of this sorry mess. (Apart from the fact that it only lasts 71 minutes.)

I wasn't expecting much from a Charles Band production but when one of the highlights is a Puppet Master joke you know things are getting desperate. So sorry, Barbara you haven't managed to knock out the odds-on favourite in a startling giant-killing fashion. Dequenne, you're through to the semi-finals.
2/10
evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Pacific Rim, Robot Jox.

Review - Dead Space (1991 - Dir. Fred Gallo)

I'll tell you now: Marc Singer is out of the cup. Jennifer Connelly has got it sewn up and she only got 5/10 for The Hulk. Dead Space (nothing to do with the games) is a very poor film that homages to within an inch of its sad and sorry existence.

All it says on the IMDb summary is, "A deadly virus attacks the crew of a Saturn space station." Yep, that's about it. Oh as long as by 'virus' you actually mean 'alien'. And that is 'alien' in the sense of Alien and Aliens. The virus idea is virtually non-existent in the film; despite it being a mixture of every known disease, everyone quite happily walks around without hazmat suits or even face masks. In fact, their high level protection against this virulent virus is to "keep away" from it. So it's an alien then.

It thieves blatantly from the Alien franchise. But even then it does so in a tedious fashion. An android gets torn in half. Amazingly, it's not a patch on the shot from Aliens. It's so blatant that it nicks a complete line from the same film. As time goes on the alien, I mean virus, becomes quite large, a bit like the alien queen perhaps. But whereas the proper queen charges around scrapping with Ripley and chasing Newt through ducts in a manner befitting Scooby Doo, this virus quite spectacularly stands still for a bit. Well, for a while really. It's not the most mobile of creatures.

Marc Singer does nothing to liven up the proceedings; in general he wanders around aimlessly shooting. That about sums up his performance. At least he would have been able to buy himself a chip butty from his wage packet. As long as he cadged a quid off his mum.

Is this film recommendable to anyone? Maybe. There is one small subset of society that may benefit from watching this turgid piece of poop: blue spandex fetishists. Even then they could fast forward to a couple of scenes where some ladies get a bit frisky in said garments, and forget the rest. Even lovers of futuristic ear rings shouldn't bother; the best they can manage here are some curly telephone cables. Pathetic.

The only thing that Dead Space has going for it is the most prolonged bout of a creature being stabbed by a dart committed to celluloid and some waking up acting to rival Grandpa Walton. Avoid at all costs.
1/10
evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Blue Spandex Babes VI.

Review - Miami Blues (1990 - Dir. George Armitage)

I put Jennifer Jason Leigh into the FA Cup of Actors hoping that Last Exit to Brooklyn would miraculously pop up as her random entry in her first round battle against Jamel Debbouze (Outside the Law reached the giddy heights of 7/10). But no, Miami Blues is her chosen film, something that I'd never heard of. Starring Alec Baldwin, its not the type of thing that I'd normally watch. (Plus Alec isn't even my favourite of the Baldwin brothers. And no, it's not Daniel, William, Stephen, or erm... Mike, either. My favourite would have to be Adam Baldwin from Serenity and Chuck. Shame he's not related.) 

Fred Frenger, Jr. (referred to as Junior, a bit like Junior Giscombe) has just got out of prison and decides to go on a one-man crime spree. As a twist he tends to steal from other naughty people. He meets a prostitute called Susan - as occasionally happens - and they fall in love. (Funnily enough the prostitute happens to be Jennifer Jason Leigh, who despite always getting her top off at the drop of a hat, still comes across as a quality actress.) Susan knows nothing of Junior's slightly dubious activities and dreams of a perfect family life. Things are not all rosy though, Junior is being chased down by jaded grizzled cop, Sgt. Hoke Moseley, (Fred Ward of Tremors fame) a man who has not only got a brilliant name, but also a set of false choppers. (Sadly, not a collection of Vindec High Risers.)

As you may have guessed from the inclusion of false teeth Miami Blues has a certain level of endearing quirkiness to it that I wasn't expecting from an Alec Baldwin film. Junior commits a murder early on in the proceedings, but it's not the usual kind of murder, I'm not even sure if it's a murder at all: he kills a Hare Krishna by bending his fingers back. Now, I know that this violent act may cause some slight soreness, but death is maybe taking it a tad too far. The quirkiness doesn't end there. Sgt. Moseley and Susan meet in a supermarket and she gives him a recipe for Vinegar Pie. And that isn't even a savoury pie, it's sweet. For a recipe of this disgusting sounding dessert, click here. It looks rank.

As previously stated Alec isn't my favourite Baldwin and his performance here does nothing to greatly improve things. Given that, he actually does quite a good job of switching between a fellow who yearns for a normal family life and a complete finger-bending psychopath. But there's one scene in particular that is cringe worthy. He is lying on his bed pretending to be different shady characters. It looks like something that he just started doing for a laugh and the director got the camera rolling. Perfect fodder for outtakes. Not for the proper film. (And it's high time I started including some screen shots from the film. I'll put in a few to catch up.)

Jennifer Jason Leigh meanwhile does a great job. She plays it in an ambiguous fashion that can be read as Susan just being extremely naive, or that she knows about Juniors dodgy ways but puts it to the back of her mind so that she can pursue her dream of a happy family life. As for Fred Ward, he's as watchable as ever and should probably have a place in a future FA Cup of Actors.

Despite the occasionally violent scene (a machete incident is particularly noteworthy) Miami Blues feels pretty light and fluffy. It's enjoyable enough and better than I was expecting, but it's no classic. Average is the best that I can say. (Although when I'm watching some films, I dream of seeing something average.)
5/10
evlkeith

(The mathematically able amongst you may have worked out that Jennifer Jason Leigh is out and rank outsider, Jamel Debbouze, charges through into the second round. He could be one to watch, that sneaky little tinker.)

If you like this you could also try:
Last Exit to Brooklyn, Something Wild.

Review - Castle Freak (1995 - Dir. Stuart Gordon)

(You may remember that I have already reviewed Castle Freak a fair while ago but it came up as Barbara Crampton's random selection in the FA Cup so I've passed on the reviewing duties to Doccortex for a second opinion - evlkeith.)

My first voyage into the world of the FA Cup of Actors and highly enjoyable it was too. I was fearing the worst as Castle Freak doesn’t exactly look like my cup of tea, but I was pleasantly surprised by the atmosphere, story and the fact that it doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s a fairly standard horror offering, but what it lacks in originality it makes up for with straightforwardness and, it has to be said, sleaziness.

Having said that, I thought I was focusing on Jeffrey Combs for the FA Cup, and he is absolutely terrible in this. He’s wooden, joyless and displays such a lack of subtlety that I find it difficult to believe he is actually an actor. (I don't actually think he is - but he's still a quality horror icon - evlkeith.) Luckily enough however, I was supposed to be focusing on Barbara Crampton who strolls through the film with an air of class and confidence that led me to believe if she ever got her hands on the Castle Freak she’d kick hell out of him. She’s way better than this standard of film on this performance. I was going to knock a point off the score because of Combs, but Crampton cancels out his amateurishness.

To cut a short story even shorter…married couple John and Susan with their blind daughter, rock up at a spooky Italian castle that they’ve inherited. Surprise, surprise, a castle freak lives in the castle and all kinds of high jinks ensue when he gets loose. The freak himself is a somewhat pathetic villain in the truest sense of the word, but his makeup is believable and he atones for his slightly melancholic demeanour with a sneakiness and violent nature that he combines brilliantly with a creepy and sleazy side of his personality. At times he’s almost scary, but he certainly lives up to his name.

All in all it’s an entertaining package of spooky atmosphere, decent acting (apart from Combs) and amusing horror antics from the freak. It’s approaching an average viewing experience but not quite, so I’ll award Castle Freak 4.5/10, which sends Barbara into the next round of the FA Cup. It’s a well deserved victory and on this showing I’d look forward to seeing her in some meatier roles.

4.5/10  
Doccortex

If you like this you could also try:
Hell's Ground, From Beyond. 

Review - Run Lola Run (1998 - Dir. Tom Tykwer)

(To increase your enjoyment by a factor of 2.35 when reading this review have a listen to a lovely bit of Kool & the Gang - evlkeith.)

This is a low key German offering with the faint aroma of Groundhog Day permeating its soul. Lola (Franka Potente) must run to save her dodgy boyfriend Manni (Moritz Bleibtreu) from certain death, after gormlessly leaving a gangster’s substantial wedge of drug money on the tube. Why she bothers to save him I have no idea, because she could seriously do better, but she tries anyway. Over three distinct episodes she tries, tries and tries again, each time making subtle differences to each separate reality.

It’s well made and relatively enjoyable, but it leaves you mysteriously unsatisfied. Obviously there’s lots of frantic running from Lola as she dashes about breaking the laws of time and space. This is fine, but her outfit is woefully inappropriate for the task and you really want her to get changed into some gym kit for her subsequent outings. Sadly this never enters her head and the horrible tattoo around her belly button doesn’t help matters. The sub-plot of her father’s mysterious relationship is a welcome and interesting embellishment, but it’s unfortunately only short respite from the breathless pounding of those streets.

It’s cleverly plotted to an extent, but there’s little of the time travelling wow factor of Timecrimes or even Harry Potter and Prisoner of Azkaban. It’s a clinical but underwhelming experience, and this isn’t helped by the superficial main characters who are neither likeable or particularly nasty. In the end we are left ambivalent to their fate(s) as the film performs like a mid table Bundesliga team; efficient yet without the creativity to climb the table.

It’s not a terrible film, but it falls under the most damning of categories; somewhere between faint praise and mildly annoying. Yes it’s mediocre! It neither offends nor enlightens. Watch with limited expectations at best.

3/10 
Doccortex

If you like this you could also try:
Good Bye Lenin, The Lives of Others.

Review - Hemoglobin (1997 - Dir. Peter Svatek)

Jennifer Connelly managed an average 5/10 in her first round match with Inventing the Abbotts. Now it's time for Rutger Hauer to hit back with full force.

After the first ten minutes or so of Hemoglobin (originally titled Bleeders) things seemed to be going quite well. The screenplay was written by Dan O'Bannon and Ronald Shusett (of Alien fame) plus Charles Adair (of nothing else that has granted him any fame whatsoever). It's loosely based on H.P. Lovecraft's "The Lurking Fear", so that's another positive in its favour. What's more, it starts off with a little tale of narcissism where a lady has a dalliance with her twin brother because it's the closest she can get to having some 'How is your Father' with herself. This is taken to the logical conclusion with the inclusion of a character who just so happens to be an hermaphrodite. Topical stuff indeed in this celebrity selfie obsessed culture who would love nothing more than doing rudies with themselves because they're so great. 

You can probably sense that things go wrong with Hemoglobin. And they do. The main story revolves around a pale bloke called John Strauss (Roy Dupuis) who has a rare blood disease. His wife Kathleen (Kristin Lehman) and a disgraced Doctor (Rutger Hauer) are helping him to find a cure. Yet this is another of those films that I can't remember much about it despite only seeing it last night. This goes to show that the characters aren't up to much. Rutger Hauer was obviously just in need a pay cheque and knocked this off without any effort (as he occasionally does, but the poor fella has to eat.) Sadly there aren't any memorable Hauer moments, which is a shame seeing as though that's the only reason I got this.

There are some memorable moments though. One lady has a haircut that only be described as a monstrous grey helmet. It is so fake and so huge and so full of mullet that I couldn't help thinking that it was hiding some special effect creature head type thing that would be revealed later in the film. Yet no. It's just a bad wig. Or - and my sympathies go out to the lady if this true - it's just a bad haircut. (Unfortunately I can't find a photo to show you the helmet in all its glory but if you have a look at 9:30 on this little clip you're in for a treat. And it's in German too.)

On the subject of special effects, they're not too bad. But the creature design is. Despite their passable appearance in photo form the monsters are laughable on screen looking like mutated versions of Yoda crossed with Frank Sidebottom. Saying that, they become quite creepy when seem from a distance en masse. 

The music is quite effective in the early stages and coupled with the cinematography it gives Hemoglobin the feel of Dead & Buried (another Dan O'Bannon/ Ronald Shusett script and also one of my favourite film posters). Apart from that there's not much else. (Oh, apart from the ridiculously thin moustache that Hauer has groomed.)

I hope Rutger Hauer managed to buy himself a couple of Pek and lamb fat sarnies from the proceeds of this film, then at least someone will have got some pleasure from this tedious offering.
2/10
evlkeith

At the end of that not so tense encounter Jennifer Connelly goes through to the next round of the FA Cup of Actors and poor old Rutger is out. She now faces Marc Singer in the quarter finals. Surely she has to be the favourite in that match. Oh well, we'll see...

If you like this you could also try:
Necronomicon, Dagon.

Review - Inventing the Abbots (1997 - Dir. Pat O'Connor)

Jennifer Connelly vs. Rutger Hauer in this first round match in the FA Cup of Actors. And it's up to Connelly to kick off with this little film that I'd never heard of before now. I don't really feel that qualified to review it as it is massively out of my comfort zone. Being used to horror, anime, and general B-movie rubbish this came as a bit of a shock. Inventing the Abbots involves lots of chatting, family matters and emotional issues. I'm a lot more at home with people smacking each other in the faces with frying pans.

Doug (Joaquin Phoenix) and Jacey (Billy Crudup) are two brothers living in a small Illinois town in the greasy fifties. They come from a poor family who may or may not have been wronged by Lloyd Abbott, the father of a local posh family. Lloyd is a rich fellow and has three lovely daughters: Pamela (Liv Tyler), Eleanor (Jennifer Connelly) and Alice (Joanna Going). The two brothers find the Abbott girls distinctly alluring, yet they're not quite sure which they fancy the most...

Be warned that this is a tricky film to watch if you struggle recognising people. The two brothers look very similar, as do the three sisters. Also it can be hard work keeping track of which characters are winking/clicking at each other, are holding hands or have slept together. It's all quite involved. It's as if they've packed a full year's worth of Eastenders style relationship twists and turns into one film.

Seeing as though this is Jennifer Connolly's shot at goal she's hardly in Inventing the Abbotts. Although she didn't get the main starring role, she's well up there in the billing. That's why I thought it would be acceptable to have this as her entry. Nevertheless she makes a sizeable impact. I've never seen her playing a sultry sauce machine before and she manages it very well indeed. Despite her absence from a large portion of the film her presence is felt in many scenes.

The main acting duties fall to Joaquin Phoenix and Liv Tyler. I've never been that sure about Phoenix and I'm still not entirely convinced now. I liked him in Signs but I generally disliked everything about Gladiator. He's likeable enough in this - especially when he uses a black marker pen to draw on some Elvis style mutton chops and then proceeds to go to a swanky party - and maybe his performance is just enough for me to give him another chance by watching another of his offerings and reevaluate what I think about him. With Liv Tyler I feel that I shouldn't like her, for some irrational reason, yet I can't help warming to her. She has a couple of quite touching scenes with Phoenix that warm even an old cynical gorehound's heart.

Billy Crudup is a completely different story. For starters, his name sounds like a lad called Billy has a severely messed up digestive system that has started backing up and causes the unfortunate lad to start throwing up turds. Infantile jibes aside, he's way too miserable and sulky in this. I can't remember him cracking a smile, however miniscule. All the time he mopes around and broods (despite getting a large portion of hanky panky from Jennifer Connelly). It's telling that he was also cast as Dr Manhattan in Watchmen. 

Surprisingly enough I quite enjoyed Inventing the Abbotts. It's a definite change from what I'm used to and it was quite refreshing (at least it wasn't another useless low budget zombie film). If you like this kind of thing you'd probably get a lot more enjoyment from it than I did. Saying that, it's not the strongest film in Connelly's arsenal so let's see how she fares against Hauer's offering.
5/10
evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Stealing Beauty, Two Lovers.