Review - Hemoglobin (1997 - Dir. Peter Svatek)

Jennifer Connelly managed an average 5/10 in her first round match with Inventing the Abbotts. Now it's time for Rutger Hauer to hit back with full force.

After the first ten minutes or so of Hemoglobin (originally titled Bleeders) things seemed to be going quite well. The screenplay was written by Dan O'Bannon and Ronald Shusett (of Alien fame) plus Charles Adair (of nothing else that has granted him any fame whatsoever). It's loosely based on H.P. Lovecraft's "The Lurking Fear", so that's another positive in its favour. What's more, it starts off with a little tale of narcissism where a lady has a dalliance with her twin brother because it's the closest she can get to having some 'How is your Father' with herself. This is taken to the logical conclusion with the inclusion of a character who just so happens to be an hermaphrodite. Topical stuff indeed in this celebrity selfie obsessed culture who would love nothing more than doing rudies with themselves because they're so great. 

You can probably sense that things go wrong with Hemoglobin. And they do. The main story revolves around a pale bloke called John Strauss (Roy Dupuis) who has a rare blood disease. His wife Kathleen (Kristin Lehman) and a disgraced Doctor (Rutger Hauer) are helping him to find a cure. Yet this is another of those films that I can't remember much about it despite only seeing it last night. This goes to show that the characters aren't up to much. Rutger Hauer was obviously just in need a pay cheque and knocked this off without any effort (as he occasionally does, but the poor fella has to eat.) Sadly there aren't any memorable Hauer moments, which is a shame seeing as though that's the only reason I got this.

There are some memorable moments though. One lady has a haircut that only be described as a monstrous grey helmet. It is so fake and so huge and so full of mullet that I couldn't help thinking that it was hiding some special effect creature head type thing that would be revealed later in the film. Yet no. It's just a bad wig. Or - and my sympathies go out to the lady if this true - it's just a bad haircut. (Unfortunately I can't find a photo to show you the helmet in all its glory but if you have a look at 9:30 on this little clip you're in for a treat. And it's in German too.)

On the subject of special effects, they're not too bad. But the creature design is. Despite their passable appearance in photo form the monsters are laughable on screen looking like mutated versions of Yoda crossed with Frank Sidebottom. Saying that, they become quite creepy when seem from a distance en masse. 

The music is quite effective in the early stages and coupled with the cinematography it gives Hemoglobin the feel of Dead & Buried (another Dan O'Bannon/ Ronald Shusett script and also one of my favourite film posters). Apart from that there's not much else. (Oh, apart from the ridiculously thin moustache that Hauer has groomed.)

I hope Rutger Hauer managed to buy himself a couple of Pek and lamb fat sarnies from the proceeds of this film, then at least someone will have got some pleasure from this tedious offering.
2/10
evlkeith

At the end of that not so tense encounter Jennifer Connelly goes through to the next round of the FA Cup of Actors and poor old Rutger is out. She now faces Marc Singer in the quarter finals. Surely she has to be the favourite in that match. Oh well, we'll see...

If you like this you could also try:
Necronomicon, Dagon.

Review - Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time (1991 - Dir. Sylvio Tabet)

Jeffrey Combs was off his usual form in his entry in the FA Cup of Actors, Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation (only receiving a rating of 2/10) so this round is all for the taking. Although when I saw that Marc Singers attempt at goal was Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time I was dreading another replay. I saw this when it was first released and was disappointed in it to say the least. The original Beastmaster is a bit of a classic but the sequel just dumbs everything down and plays it for cheesy laughs.

Watching it again now isn't such a bad experience. I actually quite enjoyed the late eighties/early nineties cheese factor. It is certainly more enjoyable than Combs' entry. I'm finding at the moment that I would rather watch something of this ilk than a more worthy film like 12 Years a Slave. It's no doubt a good, thought provoking film but I'm much happier watching a bloke falling forty foot and landing in the seat of an open-topped car without even bumping his coccyx.

It's got a really stupid plot too: (Jim Wynorski was involved in the writing, after all) Beasty is told early on that he has to find his lost brother before the Autumn equinox or the world will end. Cilla Black never had that kind of pressure on Surprise, Surprise. His quest involves him going through the titular portal into modern day L.A. and suffice to say, lots of fish out of water hi-jinx take place.

His modern day chum to guide him through this minefield is spoilt teenager Jackie Trent (Kari Wuhrer - who I remember from Stuart Gordon's King of the Ants, can't think why?) and initially she's every bit as annoying as you'd expect. She does come round to being slightly more likeable in the end and even gets a couple of furry little presents from our bestial buddy. Sadly she doesn't do a Tanya Roberts (or for that matter wear a costume like the one on the cover).

Every great animal loving hero needs an evil Ginsters eating villain and here it is Arklon (played by Wings Wauser of Mutant fame). He is a complete panto villain with mucho swooshing of his cape and general charging about laughing like a maniac. One of the funniest scenes involves him in a department store acquiring some new clothes from a rather camp manager. Predictably enough, it all ends in tears. In another mildly amusing scene he blasts some huge rocks with his laser (?) and they proceed to roll around crushing all and sundry under their gigantic mass of polystyrene.

Marc Singer fits back into the role of Beast Boy easily, although this time he seems to be more of a passenger. He gets to swish his sword around in trademark style but it's not given as much weight as you'd expect. It's a little bit throwaway. Even so, he's eminently watchable. And you'd have thought that being an animal lover he'd be a vegetarianialist. Well you'd be mistaken. He tucks straight into a gorgeous slice of Pek with gusto. I wonder if he can feel what the Pek feels and see what the Pek sees as it slips down into his belly.

Not content with showcasing the work of such stars as Singer, Hauser and Wuhrer, there are also appearances from Michael Berryman (The Hills Have Eyes), Robert Z'Dar (Maniac Cop) and Sarah Douglas (Superman II) who gets the most screen time as a witchly companion to Arklon.

Don't expect this to be anywhere near as great as the original and you shouldn't come away too disgruntled. It's good enough to put Marc Singer through to the next round of the FA Cup of actors and sadly we have to say goodbye to Jeffrey Combs.
4/10
evlkeith

If you like this you could try:
The Beastmaster, Beastmaster: The Eye of Braxus.

Review - Zombie 108 (2012 - Dir. Joe Chien)

Doccortex couldn't resist getting in on the zombie action. Let's see what he thinks of Zombie 108 - evlkeith

Taiwan’s first ever zombie film almost defies belief let alone description. It’s a shocking experience in every sense of the word and not in a particularly good way either. Maybe it’s a cultural issue or perhaps it’s our higher expectations of the genre, but although Zombie 108 sounds great on the back of the DVD box, in reality it’s a terrible piece of film making.

There are very few positives, other than the opening credits signalling a much higher quality viewing experience. It’s all downhill once the film starts. Our heroine and her daughter escape the Zombie Apocalypse only to be abducted by a disturbed, psychopathic, meat-faced torture merchant. That’s about as far as the plot goes, as cops, gangs, Americans and zombies combine in random acts of attacking each other, usually with guns, but occasionally with kung fu. At times you have little idea where the story is heading or indeed if it is heading anywhere.

It’s all very seedy, sleazy and unpleasant with women treated particularly harshly, and no matter what role or character they represent, they always wear hotpants. Even the lady cop wears them as part of her uniform! Perhaps this is the female garment of choice in Taiwan, but I seriously doubt that they’re that omnipresent.

All in all it’s rubbish, with few, if any redeeming features. There’s a weak plot, poor special effects, unconvincing make up, cheap camera work and comedy acting. It did however make me laugh a lot when I discussed it with evlkeith, so for that reason alone, it scores:


1/10
Doccortex

(To stick to my pledge of watching one zombie film a week, I've watched this too. I completely agree with Doccortex's findings except I would be a bit harsher on the rating. Generally, the inclusion of hotpants in a film lifts the rating a couple of points, e.g. Tombs of the Blind Dead, but any film that sullies hotpants is always going to receive an extremely low score. Terrible, terrible film. As for Meat Face, even looking at his picture makes me want to scrub myself clean with napalm - evlkeith)

If you like this you could also try:
Sticking a slice of Pek to your face.

Review - Portrait of Jennie (1948 - Dir. William Dieterle)

I was chatting to someone today about a film that I'd watched last night. When the subject of it being a black and white film came up, the person in question said, "I don't watch black and white films." I knew he liked horror stuff so I enquired as to whether he'd seen Psycho. Nope. 

Black and white photography is fine and often seen in wedding albums. It is even referred to as contemporary. 

But black and white films are rarely made, probably due to the fact that they won't make any money. I've seen eyes glaze over and brains switch off as soon as a black and white film appears on the telly. 

There is a huge barrier that could all be down to the perception of black and white films as being dull. Granted, the pace is slower, but the stories are arguably better than anything that's being knocked out today. How many films have you seen that have a great start, then peter out towards the end as the writer discovers they haven't got a clue what the film is about. They just had a great initial idea.

Crikey, I better get round to the film: Portrait of Jennie. This could be a perfect entry point for black-and-white-o-phobes because the end scenes have been colour tinted. In green. And some are even in red. There's even one shot that's in full technicolour. Ooooh. (An even easier entry point could be Pleasantville. It was made relatively recently and it's got some colour scenes too. I spoil you.)

Eben Adams (Joseph Cotten) is a struggling artist trying to bring home the Pek. One day he meets a girl, Jennie (Jennifer Jones) in a park and is inspired by her. Now, I'm not entirely sure how old she's supposed to be, but let's be generous: she's 16. He looks about 45. If not 50. Eben becomes obsessed with Jennie. You can see where this is going. Let's not forget the time that this was made in. Couples were supposed to wait until marriage before they started doing rudes. So the occurrence of an older man falling in love with a younger girl and then waiting for her was fine at the time. A similar relationship appears in Random Harvest. So everything's fine... Oh, okay. He's a paedo.

But there's a fantasy element to this seedy tale. What starts out as a dubious love story evolves into a mystery and then an adventure as Eben tries to discover just what the hell is going on with Jennie. By the end we are treated to some miniature work which results in the emotional climax of the film. Pretty affecting stuff. The impact of the final colour shot is fairly huge too. If it had all been in colour, it would hardly be noticed. The contrast is attention grabbing. (The Hindenburg pulls a similar trick with even greater aplomb.)

Watched with eyes in 1940s mode, ignoring the slightly dodgy perversions of the main character, Portrait of Jennie would make an interesting double bill with Vertigo. All of the actors perform admirably too (Ethel Barrymore is a treat as always as the owner of an art studio). It turned into something that I wasn't expecting, which pumps up the rating, especially when the something else is better than what came before. So if you're like the fellow at the start of this review, dive into the world of black and white and see what you think. It's like olives. The more you eat, the nicer they get.
7/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
The Mist (black and white version), Psycho, Vertigo, Anatomy of a Murder, The Whisperer in Darkness

Review - Dragon Quest (2009 - Dir. Mark Atkins)

I kind of knew what to expect: it's called Dragon Quest and I got it from Poundland. The whiff of 'Straight to DVD'ness was so excessively pungent I nearly died from asphyxiation, yet I gave it a chance. I'll come to the reason why later...

The massive shame about this film is that they had access to some okay locations, the effects capabilities to render large battle scenes, all of the requisite technical gear, and a bunch of bargain basement actors, but the script is so unoriginal and dull it begs the question, "Why did they even start filming?" The cynical part of me, (is there any other part?) might say that they knew that it would make a modest amount of money on DVD, and it probably has. There must have been virtually zero effort at the writing stage to try to inject any new ideas or more importantly, fun.

See what you think to this: A young lad, Arkadi (Daniel Bonjour - the French male version of Hello Kitty) is on a quest to save a kingdom. On the way he meets a merry band of chums who either help or hinder him on his quest. There is a piece of jewellery that plays an important/boring part in the proceedings. And there's a dragon type thing that's all black and charred because it's on fire. Sound strangely familiar?

Despite all this it could have been entertaining. Arkadi has to face a series of tasks to gain precious stones for his manly necklace. But they're all so nondescript that it's not that clear sometimes why he's actually received a stone. Here's an example of how terrible they are: Arkadi sees a gorgeous naked lady having a bath and she beckons him to join her. He doesn't. Here you go lad, have a stone. What kind of a hero is he? He'd rather decorate his accessories rather than wink and click at ladies. He's pathetic.

Yet, Dragonquest has one saving grace, one glimmer of fun: Marc Singer (AKA The Beastmaster, and the main bloke off of the original V). He hams it up like a prime piece of Pek and gurns at every available opportunity. But he's fun. I'd lose consciousness for long periods of time watching this slice of purgatory, but hearing his voice always brought me back. He even gets to show his sword swinging moves in a Beastmaster inspired shot. It was the only part of the film that received a little cheer from me. Marc Singer is another blameless actor in the style of obscurendure hero, Mark Dacascos. He can do no wrong where I'm concerned.

So in the final rating, all of the points are only awarded due to Marc Singer. If you do feel the need to watch this, just keep fast forwarding to the Singermeister. You won't be missing anything.
2/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
The Beastmaster, Hawk the Slayer, and if you're really desperate for something to watch, Deathstalker.

Feature - Sick Statistics

Being a lover of lists and statistics, I thought I should do a little feature on the first 100 reviews. Here are some interesting (?) facts/opinions:

• 3 films have been awarded 10/10: Serenity, North by Northwest and Harold's Going Stiff.
• 2 films have received 0/10: Bare Behind Bars and The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.
• Doccortex is yet to award either a 0/10 or 10/10 (although he did say he would have given Scott Pilgrim vs the World 0/10 if it had been obscure enough to review).
• There have been 14956 pageviews so far.
• 2 references to Pek have been made. (Does that make it 3 now? I'm counting it regardless.)

• Best Actor: Stan Rowe (Harold's Going Stiff)
• Best Actress: Polyanna McIntosh (The Woman)
• Worst Actor: Robert Tessier (The Lost Empire, The Sword and the Sorcerer)
• Worst Actress: Raven De La Croix (The Lost Empire)
• Biggest disappointment: Troll Hunter
• Most pleasant surprise: Some Guy Who Kills People
• Approximate total number of words written: 40,873ish 
• Stupidest idea for a film: Cold Sweat
• Film that has grown on me the most since I've watched it: Cold Sweat

• Best death scene: Head + hammer incident in Kill List
• Biggest surprise in terms of page views: Waitress - 231 page views (Why are people searching for the word 'waitress'? Hmmm, I wonder...)
• 2nd biggest surprise in terms of pageviews: Lake Mungo - only 16 page views. For such a good film, it deserves a lot more.
• Most successful Intermission: Cocktails, who knows why.
• 3rd funniest search entry leading to an obscurendure page: 'old ladies in hot tub'

(I am getting seriously disturbed writing this blog. First the Julie Andrews incident, now this...)

• 2nd funniest search entry leading to an obscurendure page: 'bitch nurse gimp boy'
• Funniest search entry leading to an obscurendure page: 'the netting of homeless people' (All three of these searches are actual things that people have Googled. What thought processes went through their heads before they typed those?)
• Top eye-spice for the gentlemen: Natalie Portman (Garden State)

• And for the ladies: any of the fat, hairy moustachioed fellas from Bare Behind Bars (they don't call me 'evlkeith: the spoiler of ladies' for nothing).

• Most successful Feature: Prison Checklist
• Best comedy fall: Atanarjuat
• Number of days to post 100 reviews: 199
• Average time between posts: 1.99 days = 1 day 23 hours 45 mins and 36 secs.
• Amount of time on my hands: far too much.
• Biggest pervert: Lupin (Lupin the Third)
• Most improbably proportioned lady: Fujiko (Lupin the Third)
• Creepiest villain who you wouldn't want to wake up and see them leering over the top of you in just their pants, making an unnerving 'he he he' noise: Mamo - the lilac suited freak (Lupin the Third)

To finish off, here's a sick little graph to show the overall quality of the first 100 films.

  

So, a bit better than average then. It should be. I don't try to choose duff films to watch. It just seems to happen. A lot.

Let's see what delights the next hundred brings us...

evlkeith