Review - Beyond Remedy (2009 - Dir. Gerhard Hroß)

Do some filmmakers actually title their films to make it easy for reviewers? (Another prime example is the low quality Atrocious.) Why not just call your film, Less Pleasurable Than Intimate Fun With A Rotary Hand Whisk? It would certainly save me the bother of a) watching it, b) reviewing it and c) binning it.

A group of phobia-suffering medical students go to a hospital where they are treated with some fairly extreme techniques. There are some fairly strange phobias too: one sufferer is afraid of mirrors (he's not a vampire though, just ugly), but the strangest is a surgeon who's afraid of scalpels; that's like a baker who's afraid of baps. To make matters worse a chain-mail wearing surgeon-killer is on the loose (I'm making this sound far more interesting than it is).

You might have guessed that Beyond Remedy is not a good film. In actual fact, every aspect of the film is really, really bad. The acting from the whole cast is sub-porn. I half expected a moustachioed plumber to arrive in the middle of a scene and remove his huge tool from a tidy box. But the acting is worse than that. It pains me to say it, but it is sub-Mary's dad from Eastenders. (For overseas readers, Eastenders is a British soap, full of bad actors, the worst offender being Mary's Dad whose lines mainly consisted of saying, "Oh, Mary love." He appeared in the first years of the soap and his acting set the zero-level that every other actor can be measured against.)

(Mary's Dad: sadly he doesn't make an appearance in Beyond Remedy)

You don't normally notice editing in a film, generally because it's done well. Beyond Remedy is a lesson in how to break the rules of editing, but not in a good way. The highlight is a shot of our heroine jumping from a ledge, fifteen feet above the ground.  Cut instantly to her landing softly in a fella's arms. To be fair to the editor, this could be the director's fault; if you only get the footage of her jumping from a foot off the ground there's not much you can do with it.  

Everything else is the film is poor: the lighting, the droning music, the virtually silent sound effects and the comedy prosthetics work. I bet the caterers even served up hummus sarnies. I'm not going to rant any longer. Just be glad you haven't had to sit through this shambles. It only gets a 1/10 because at least they've had a go and it's not an irritating film, unlike our 0/10 offerings. At least I only paid a quid for it.

1/10

evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Oh, I really can't be bothered. 

Feature - My Ideal Cinema

People often come up to me when I'm in the local florists and say, 'Evlkeith, you watch loads of films, so what would your ideal cinema be like?' Time for a rant, I think.

• My ideal cinema would show old and new films. It would also have double bills, seasons of films and a horror festival. 

• There would be a little cafe attached to it. There would be a limited selection of drinks available: tea (nothing fancy, just normal tea and it would be in a mug, none of this tall/grande malarkey), coffee (again, normal coffee out of a jar, served in a mug) and one cold option (maybe orange squash, coke or at a push, lemonade). This would drastically cut down on queueing times.

• No adverts before the film. If I wanted to watch half an hour of adverts back to back I'd record them off the telly and watch them to my heart's content. But I don't. Because they're rubbish. I might actually buy a product from a famous mobile phone operator, if they stopped irritating me before every film. That goes for whoever does the Ghostbusters advert too. As for those sick puppies tootling down that street, singing and dancing in the Popular Energy Drink commercial: don't get me started.

• One trailer would be acceptable. Just. And it would have to be for a good film.

• No popcorn or sweets or anything rattly would be allowed into the cinema. If you were caught with any of these illegal items you would be immediately evicted and your food burnt to a crisp with a flamethrower.

• If you want to talk about a film, get it on DVD and watch it at home. The filmmakers have probably spent the best part of a year (if not more) making the film. There's nothing takes you out of this carefully crafted experience quicker than some clown asking stupid questions about what's happening. Or having a nice little chat about their cats. Anyone talking would suffer a slightly more extreme punishment. You would be swiftly removed by an 8ft, 30 stone bouncer. You would then be branded with a large X on your forehead (and not a cool X-Men one in a circle neither). This would prevent you from ever being allowed into a cinema again.

• Our final offense that would be eradicated is the use of mobile phones. I know they can be used as a makeshift torch when you come in in the dark. But don't. Pack it in. And just because you hold your phone down low when you're texting, it doesn't stop the light from really irritating me. The punishment: the aforementioned bouncer would remove you, take you to 'The Wet Room', tape a grenade to your mobile, shove it into a dark place (oh, that torch is so handy) and pull the pin. 

• The cinema would be in easy walking distance of a train/bus station, have ample parking and wheelchair access.

After all that, I wake them up, send them on their way and pay for my begonias. 


evlkeith


obscurendure would like to point out the views of evlkeith are his and his alone. We do not condone the burning of food products, branding people with Xs or forcing cinema customers to have intimate fun with a mobile phone/grenade combo. We do agree with wheelchair access though. And the cafe idea, that's okay too.

Review - Garden State (2004 - Dir. Zach Braff)

I don't normally like romantic comedies. Truth be told, I'd rather have intimate fun with a cheese grater than watch a romantic comedy. But this looked a bit different and had some good reviews. May as well give it a go...

Written, starring and directed by Zach Braff (Scrubs) - again, this didn't bode well - I was pleasantly surprised by it. His direction is of the non-flashy variety. He uses a lot of locked off camera shots. Always a treat. When he does use other techniques, such as varying the speed on the camera, it works in the context of the film; the well-chosen soundtrack, although not to my taste, helps to tie everything together.

Not exactly a big belly laugh comedy, mostly smile humour, but there are a few chuckles to be had. I didn't expect it to be this subtle. Natalie Portman is the love interest - mmm, Natalie Portman, and she's great in this. In fact, she's probably the best thing about the film. She plays a compulsive liar with epilepsy who verges on the quirky side of things. Way better than other romantic comedy leading ladies. Not that I watch any. I just know.

There is a fair bit of cheese involved in the ending but let's face facts, it is Natalie Portman. I'd run back to her if it was me. Cheese or no cheese.

All in all a surprisingly likeable film. At least now I've done my rom-com duties I can get back to horror.

7/10

evlkeith

If you like this you can try:
Waitress, Ghost World, Little Miss Sunshine, Juno, Antichrist (okay, maybe not Antichrist).