Jennifer Connelly managed an average 5/10 in her first round match with Inventing the Abbotts. Now it's time for Rutger Hauer to hit back with full force.
After the first ten minutes or so of Hemoglobin (originally titled Bleeders) things seemed to be going quite well. The screenplay was written by Dan O'Bannon and Ronald Shusett (of Alien fame) plus Charles Adair (of nothing else that has granted him any fame whatsoever). It's loosely based on H.P. Lovecraft's "The Lurking Fear", so that's another positive in its favour. What's more, it starts off with a little tale of narcissism where a lady has a dalliance with her twin brother because it's the closest she can get to having some 'How is your Father' with herself. This is taken to the logical conclusion with the inclusion of a character who just so happens to be an hermaphrodite. Topical stuff indeed in this celebrity selfie obsessed culture who would love nothing more than doing rudies with themselves because they're so great.
You can probably sense that things go wrong with Hemoglobin. And they do. The main story revolves around a pale bloke called John Strauss (Roy Dupuis) who has a rare blood disease. His wife Kathleen (Kristin Lehman) and a disgraced Doctor (Rutger Hauer) are helping him to find a cure. Yet this is another of those films that I can't remember much about it despite only seeing it last night. This goes to show that the characters aren't up to much. Rutger Hauer was obviously just in need a pay cheque and knocked this off without any effort (as he occasionally does, but the poor fella has to eat.) Sadly there aren't any memorable Hauer moments, which is a shame seeing as though that's the only reason I got this.
There are some memorable moments though. One lady has a haircut that only be described as a monstrous grey helmet. It is so fake and so huge and so full of mullet that I couldn't help thinking that it was hiding some special effect creature head type thing that would be revealed later in the film. Yet no. It's just a bad wig. Or - and my sympathies go out to the lady if this true - it's just a bad haircut. (Unfortunately I can't find a photo to show you the helmet in all its glory but if you have a look at 9:30 on this little clip you're in for a treat. And it's in German too.)
On the subject of special effects, they're not too bad. But the creature design is. Despite their passable appearance in photo form the monsters are laughable on screen looking like mutated versions of Yoda crossed with Frank Sidebottom. Saying that, they become quite creepy when seem from a distance en masse.
The music is quite effective in the early stages and coupled with the cinematography it gives Hemoglobin the feel of Dead & Buried (another Dan O'Bannon/ Ronald Shusett script and also one of my favourite film posters). Apart from that there's not much else. (Oh, apart from the ridiculously thin moustache that Hauer has groomed.)
I hope Rutger Hauer managed to buy himself a couple of Pek and lamb fat sarnies from the proceeds of this film, then at least someone will have got some pleasure from this tedious offering. 2/10 evlkeith At the end of that not so tense encounter Jennifer Connelly goes through to the next round of the FA Cup of Actors and poor old Rutger is out. She now faces Marc Singer in the quarter finals. Surely she has to be the favourite in that match. Oh well, we'll see... If you like this you could also try: Necronomicon, Dagon.
I love the Wikipedia entry for Split Second. Reception - The movie gained a lot of criticism. Box Office - The movie was not a box office success. Perfect obscurendure fodder then.
And it's pretty good fun. Stone (Rutger Hauer) is a hard-nosed cop whose partner was, funnily enough, killed by a serial killer. He's paired up with Oxford graduate and serial killer expert Detective Dick Durkin (Neil Duncan). Funnily enough they don't get on. Worryingly, the serial killer likes eating the victims' hearts, has a rather larger mouth-span and a lederhosen fetish. Okay, maybe the last one's made up but who knows what kind of deviant practices these murderers get up to in their 'me' time.
Yep, it's all a bit cliched but the cast make up for it by not taking the material too seriously. One scene where Durkin sees the serial killer and subsequently feels the need for some larger guns is memorable, as is the interplay between Stone and Durkin as they discuss the case in a fairly frenzied fashion whilst cigar sharing and being followed by the bemused, but brilliantly named, police chief Thrasher (Alun Armstrong). The comic timing is spot on and the two leads ham it up like no-one's business. The only cast member to let the side down is Pete Postlethwaite who doesn't convince in the slightest as an antagonistic cop. I don't know what it is about him but I've never liked him in anything. (It was a treat to see the inclusion of one cast member though: The Shend from the popular music combo The Very Things.)
The creature is sensibly kept in the dark for most of the running time and only properly seen in the end sequence. Designed and built by Stephen Norrington (Blade), it is clearly derivative of the Giger designed Alien but then, so are most screen monsters post 1979. It's pretty effective as it charges about and flashes past the screen.
I'm not sure whether Split Second had a troubled production but the end sequence is credited to director Ian Sharp. The section fits in nicely and I wouldn't have realised if it wasn't for his credit. Maybe the producers/studio weren't happy with the original ending and had a bit of a tiff with Tony Maylam. If you know anything about what happened let us know.
So, for a film that was criticised and didn't make back its budget, it's surprisingly good. Go into it expecting Rutger Hauer in prime pork scratchings mode and you'll probably have a laugh. It's worth it for the smoke filled cinematography so beloved of the era and the conversations between the two cops about Durkin's sex-life. 5/10 evlkeith
I saw this on good old VHS when it originally came out in 1996 and my rose-tinted memory tells me that it was... fun. Easily the best way to describe it: fun. Watching it again sixteen years later, I was pleasantly surprised to reach exactly the same verdict.
Joe Talbot (Josh Charles) is your average kind of guy who is not that successful with the ladies (he should use the wink/click combo more, that always works for me). He has average buddies, one of whom is Jack Black in another irritating role. But as luck would have it, a lovely lady called Laura (Andrea Roth), with a rather fetching costume (wink/click), appears in his bedroom and seduces him. Well, that's if you class nicking his necklace as a seduction technique. Everything then goes lairy, with the introduction of a villain, Ferris (Stuart Wilson) and a magical staff that takes the action into multiple dimensions. And Rutger Hauer is in it too.
He must have had a right laugh. He doesn't take the script seriously in the slightest, which is a good thing. At times, he has a similar tone to Rik Mayall taking the Peters and Lee out of the entire proceedings. His performance goes a great way to ensure the jovial tone of the film. The other leads are both likeable sorts too. Josh Charles is a precursor to the monkey swinging Shia The Beef and Andrea Roth plays a straight role as a foil for Mr Hauer's camp antics.
I can remember being amazed at the effects on my first watching. Now, you could knock them up using iMovie. They do the job, though and we can be thankful that they didn't try to create a CG creature.
There are some similarities to The Matrix (1999), but the Wachowksis homaged loads of different films. Every film maker is influenced by what they have seen, it would be unreasonable for them not to be and the two films are different enough to stand on their own as separate entities. Their homaging skills didn't work too well for them on the sequels though... Filthy little homagers.
Crossworlds has its faults. The mythology is not fully explored and the villain's demise is a little lacklustre. But, its tone reminds me of another fun film from that sort of time period: Warlock. So, I think we've all got the idea that it's fun. And there are a lot worse ways to describe a film than that. 'Whipped up bowel contents' being one of them. 6/10 evlkeith
If you like this you could also try: Warlock, Waxwork, Split Second.
Flesh + Blood starts off like a highly inappropriate pantomime. The acting is shocking; even Rutger Hauer suffers from a severe case of over-the-top, back-slapping camaraderie and raucous flaughter (definition - false laughter). Brion James is the worst offender, but then again, he always is. (See Tango and Cash for more of his comedy antics.)
The initial section of the film makes for uncomfortable viewing. Rutger's merry little band of mercenaries are cheated out of their rightful spoils by Arnolfini, a noble lord. Then they are run out of town. They soon get their own back. They ambush said lord and nick his treasure, inadvertently kidnapping his son's bride-to-be, Agnes (Jennifer Jason Leigh - Last Exit to Brooklyn). By this point you are firmly on the side of Rutger and his little chums, cheering them on in their humorous shenanigans and malarkey. Then they brutally gang rape Agnes.
Flesh + Blood takes a good long while to recover from this, but as it develops, it transpires that you should be siding with Agnes and the lord's, initially irritating, son. You have to give Verhoeven the benefit of the doubt that this was always his intention, to usurp your expectations. Then the plague makes a guest appearance and things start to pick up.
There are some cracking quotes in it. A band of soldiers come across an old lady, accompanied by a young lady. They question them. The young lady won't talk. The old lady explains that, "Some soldiers, big fellows like you, raped her when she was a child and then cut out her tongue for fun." To which, one of the soldiers comments to his boss, "Come, my friend. We'll learn nothing here." Cheers, mate. Very sympathetic. Good luck in your job at The Samaritans. Another pearler is: "Knives and forks are part of our lives." Don't ask.
Mr Hauer is just made for iconic shots. Put him in the rain, mist or against fire and film him. Instant great shot. There are at least three such shots within Flesh + Blood. Worth the asking price alone. The small matter of a hot tub scene adds value too.
After the shaky start, Flesh + Blood grew on me and by the end I actually quite enjoyed it. Not Verhoeven's best. Not Hauer's best. But not bad. 4/10 evlkeith
If you like this you could also try: Salute of the Jugger, Blind Fury, Excalibur.
The studio responsible for Salute of the Jugger should be taken to court for seriously misrepresenting the contents of this film. I was expecting salutes. Lots of salutes. Even one iconic shot of Rutger Hauer saluting would have been enough. Not a sniff of it. They may as well have called it Wink of the Jugger for the severe lack of winking content.
We're in Mad Max 2 territory for this one. Set in a dusty post-apocalyptic world, Sallow (Mr Hauer) is a 'Jugger', a player of a violent futuristic sport that pretty much involves hitting people. Each team includes a variety of roles. There's the 'Quick' who has to get a dog skull and put it on a stick in the opposition's half to win the game. Protecting this lightweight is a fella with a big spiky chain and three players equipped with Gladiators style pugil sticks. If this all sounds slightly familiar it might interest you to know that this is J.K Rowling's favourite film. Possibly.
Sallow is eventually joined by a new 'Quick', Kidda (Joan Chen) who, rather than playing games in shanty towns against Vauxhall Conference opposition, wants to have a shot at playing in the league. Funnily enough, the film ends with them challenging a league team to a game in what is the film's best setting: a grimy underground town containing an arena and a hotel that would have Health and Safety executives sweating. The hammocks are all on the side of a huge wall, only accessed by climbing multiple ladders.
Considering the 18 rating, it's not very violent or bloody, and the ending is a bit of a shame, but it has a suitable atmosphere and you can't help wanting Sallow's team to win. Certainly not one of Rutger Hauer's greatest films, but it's still worth a watch. Also, the title screen is gloriously akin to C64 game box art. Almost worth it for that. 4/10 evlkeith
If you like this you could also try: Mad Max 2, Split Second, Dust Devil, Rollerball, Fortress.
