Review - The Beastmaster (1982 - Dir. Don Coscarelli)

So we come to the final entry in our Sword and Sorcery Season and I've saved the best till last. This was the first film I ever saw on a new-fangled technological device called a VHS Video Recorder/Player. It was round at a friend's house and what a cracking film to see. I was sold on the ideas of videos from that moment on.

Marc Singer (from the original series of V) plays our animal-loving friend. Due to a strangely attractive witch's intervention, he is born from the belly of an ox and from that moment on has a certain affinity for all manner of creatures. He can even see through the eyes of beasts and hear their thoughts. I sometimes wonder whether I was cut out of an ox's stomach because my rabbits talk to me (no, that's just clinical insanity).

Suffice to say, he goes on an epic quest in the search for vengeance, meets some chums and gets the girl.

Straight out of the Sword and Sorcery Checklist, Beasty comes up with a crafty plan to bed a bathing slave girl, Kiri (Tanya Roberts), who in true Sword and Sorcery style has a problem keeping her blouse on. In a similar fashion to Lupin, the Beastman comes across as a bit of a pervert, peeping and chuckling in a really dirty fashion. Funny, though.

The story is fairly bog-standard but it is very well told. Even with studio interference (what a surprise) and the insertion of some dubious visual effects shots (again, the studio's fault), the story is coherent and cracks along at a good pace. It's two hours long (blatantly ignoring the 'good film = one and a half hours' rule) but it more than justifies the extra length. It's almost got more endings than Return of the King. Almost. But  all of the plot threads get tied up satisfactorily. The story-telling is a definite cut above its genre-mates The Sword and the Sorcerer and The Warrior and the Sorceress from roughly the same time period.

There are so many memorable moments in this film: Beastial Man getting sucked down into quicksand and rescued by ferrets, the creepy tree/bird people who liquidise their victims and let's not forget the insane Death Guard who charge about causing mayhem and general unpleasantness. Shame we don't see more of them. Don Coscarelli (Phantasm) knows the power of the simple still shot. The brilliantly designed Jun horde (the baddies) stood atop a hill waiting to attack a village is another standout. Loads more great stuff awaits those willing to watch a slice of 80s obscurity. 

You could never accuse the leads of being great actors, but  the performances are enjoyable across the board. Even though it was filmed in December in the freezing cold (including the scene where Tanya Roberts swims in the pool), the actors all seem to be having fun. Marc Singer is likeable and obviously worked hard to get into shape for the role. His sword swinging abilities have become legend. Try to pick up any sword-type implement and not do The Beastmaster swing manoeuvre. It's a physical impossibility after watching this film.

A great film that still stands up today. Don't bother with the dubious sequels though. They're not directed by Mr Coscarelli and you can tell.

8/10

evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Phantasm, Spacehunter: Adventures in Forbidden Zone, Bubba-Ho-Tep, The Dark Crystal.

Review - The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984 - Dir. John C. Broderick)

Kain (David Carradine) is a holy warrior who enters a village at war. The villagers are dying of thirst but there is a well full of water guarded by the evil Zeg's lackeys. Bal Caz is the leader of another faction who is also after control of the well. To gain the upper hand Zeg has captured the sorceress Naja and tries to get her to forge a mega-powerful sword. Obviously, Kain gets involved... 


Here's a typical scene: a big fat camp fella (Bal Caz) in a nappy lies on a bed, a bored looking woman sits by his side with her dumplings out whilst a really bad paper mache crocodile thing chitters into his ear. In a later scene, Bal Caz is carried into the village on a bed/throne combo and severely hams it up. Was this possibly the inspiration for Greasus Goldtooth? (That was me coming out of the Geek Closet, there.)


The dumplings don't end there. Naja has hers out for the first fifteen minutes until Kain covers her up. She's very soon recaptured and her dumplings are out again. Even when she finally escapes and is safe, she still doesn't bother to put them away. She's not the only one though. Most (possibly all) of the ladies have their dumplings out. The director thought that this was all getting a bit dull though, so he throws in a lady with four dumplings. David Carradine looks on, bored. Zeg rubs the end of his weapon and leers. (Not for the first time either: in an earlier scene with a naked Naja, he suggestively strokes his sword. Dirty little tinker.)

The acting is of the sub-panto variety. No one comes out of this unscathed. The prime offenders are Zeg, Bal Caz and Burgo the Slaver who is beyond belief. Worse still are the fight scenes. Normally, when you watch the 'Making Of' features you see them practising fight scenes in slow motion, barely making contact. That's what every fight looks this in this film. There's less force behind the blows than 70s Saturday dinnertime wrestling. One tentacled creature gets killed by little more than a paper cut. As for the full on battles, can you actually have a battle where you don't hit your opponent? Seemingly so. And then there's the half-arsed slave whippings/strokings. Shocking.

You might have guessed that The Warrior and the Sorceress is fairly terrible. Initially, it was quite funny but it becomes very wearing to the point where zero-anesthetic dentistry would be preferable. The villagers who wear gimp inspired masks are the only thing to drag this out of the quagmire. (I promise to finish the Sword and Sorcery season on a high, after the last two useless offerings.)
2/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
The Sword and the Sorcerer, The Lost Empire, any of the Deathstalker films.

Review - The Black Cauldron (1985 - Dir. Ted Berman, Richard Rich)

Before we start, have another look at the directors' names. I didn't know that Richie had a career in films or that he would make something so lacking in innuendo (although you can make up your own filthy caption for the picture below).

I also didn't realise that Skeletor appeared in a Disney film. He always was a tad on the camp side, but here he's gone the whole hog and wears a dress. Can skeletons have sex changes? It's not as if they've got any middles to actually change.

The final stunning revelation is that Andy Serkis is a homaging rascal. There is an irritating small character (as there often is in Disney films) called Gurgi, who speaks in a Gollum voice, even down to the rhythm of the words. Now, I've watched the extras on all of the Lord of the Rings and not once does Serkis mention The Black Cauldron as inspiration. Maybe it was just his tribute, like those kind, caring folk in tribute bands. (Am I the only person completely sick of Serkis and his motion-capture bothering ways?)

Anyway, on with the review. It might seem strange to see a Disney film on obscurendure. Even though I can vaguely remember this coming out, I haven't heard anything about it since. An obscure Disney film that ticks a lot of features on the Sword and Sorcery Checklist: I couldn't resist. 

With a running time of 77 minutes, it plods along at a slow pace and it seems to be missing five or ten minutes of action in the latter stages. Being based on The Chronicles of Prydain books by Lloyd Alexander suggests that they weren't short of material (this could explain Gurgi's similarity to Gollum though). Quite a few shots of people being hacked and slashed were cut to make it more family friendly; these might have gone some way to improving the ending. A scene of Princess Eilonwy partially nude, with her clothes in tatters was also removed (ooh, so close to getting all the features on the checklist.) Even with those cuts, the film is quite dark and scary (relatively speaking) for a Disney film, with skeletons being resurrected left, right and centre. (There's even some blood in it. Crikey.)

My main problem with The Black Cauldron is the casting. There is a strange unnerving disconnect between the voices of the heroes Taran and Princess Eilonwy and their onscreen characters. In a similar fashion to when an actor's voice is dubbed on to another actor's performance, you know that something is amiss. This jarring of sight and sound only served to pull me out of the film on regular occasions.

The Black Cauldron would be perfect to watch on a cold morning at Christmas time; the traditional hand-drawn animation and beautifully painted backgrounds give it a warm and nostalgic feel. Suffice to say, the animation is excellent throughout. I'm not surprised that this film nearly crippled Disney. It might have done better if it hadn't had the Disney name attached and all of the expectations that go with that.

4/10

evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:

Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, The Secret of Nimh, The Dark Crystal.

Review - The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982 - Dir. Albert Pyun)

Many years ago, I saw the end of a sword and sorcery film on my televisual entertainment system. The reason why it stuck in my mind was a sword fighting scene incorporating someone having their face chopped down the middle in full gore-o-vision. The problem is, I couldn't remember the title. I thought by doing a sword and sorcery season I might be able to track down this festival of bloodletting.

Well, I found it. Straight away. There's the shot of the head being split in two. There's even an effectively gory transformation of a man into an evil, monstrous sorcerer. But that's it. Odd bits, but not much. By the time I got to the good parts, I was already fairly disappointed by what had come before. The ending does pick up a smidgen with some buckling of the swashes but the majority is just dull.


The score tries to convince you otherwise. Obviously taking its cue from the previous year's Raiders of the Lost Ark, the composer is basically a bare faced thieving article. I don't have too much of a problem with that if the images actually match the music. There are so many iconic moments in Raiders and Harrison Ford is such a charismatic lead. Not so in The Sword and the Sorcerer. Lee Horsley, who plays Talon, has all the charisma of a gherkin. Actually, no: gherkins have way more. This is a fatal flaw in an adventure film. Couple that with the uninspiring villain Cromwell (Richard Lynch) and the film falls flat. The sorcerer in the title (Richard Moll) would have made a far better antagonist, but sadly he gets nowhere near enough screen time.

I was really hoping this would be better. The front cover makes the film look way better than it is. The story is so standard issue that without any fun or excitement, it's a real waste of time. The writing was on the wall when Robert Tessier (The Lost Empire) appears as a prison guard. I suppose I have to be thankful for small mercies: it wasn't Deathstalker. But very close.
2/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
The Lost Empire, Wolfhound, The Beastmaster, any of the Deathstalker films (if you are a real masochist).

Review - Wolfhound (2007 - Dir. Nicolay Lebedev)

For once the poster is fairly accurate. The film is a homage (ahem) to Conan and Lord of the Rings. But, as it hails from Russia, it is quite refreshing.

As a young child, Wolfhound sees his parents murdered (surprise, surprise) by our two villains: Greedy and Cannibal. I think Cannibal must have been the ostracized eighth dwarf, took a chunk out of Sleepy when he was having a kip. Greedy (quality name) is not actually a dwarf but a rather large Skeletor type who lays into people in a similar manner to Sauron. You know even now that Wolfy (Aleksandr Bukharov) is going to seek vengeance, which he does, and there's going to be some Princess involvement, which there is.

Just as Natalie Portman can make anything watchable (okay, not the Star Wars prequels, although she's easily the best thing about them) I think Oksana Akinshina, who plays the princess, could end up being in the same category of actresses. Well, maybe not, but she is rather nice looking.

Even though there is a dull section in the middle, you get the feeling that they enjoyed making Wolfhound. There are a lot of goings on in it, mostly borrowed from other films. There's a cool fight on some burning rope bridges that recalls Harry Potter and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom simultaneously. You also get to see the Wolfman fighting a huge snake made out of whirling rocks and fire, maybe with a little nod to the massive metal worms from Vexille. It's hard not to like it just based on the cheek value.

The CGI effects are not too bad either. You can forgive them more in a film that obviously has a smaller budget than most Hollywood films. One thing you don't have to forgive is Mr Wolfington's bat. I still don't know how they trained it to do all those things. It is on a par with the animal training in Jumanji  and George of the Jungle. Seriously though, it only looks ropey in a couple of scenes, shame one of them was the last. This cheeky little fellow is the exception to the rule in the irritating small sidekicks stakes (see Sword and Sorcery Checklist).

If you've seen any Sword and Sorcery films before, then you pretty much know what to expect. Don't expect too much and you'll probably enjoy it.

6/10

evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
The Beastmaster, Conan the Barbarian, The Sword and the Sorceror.

Feature - Sword and Sorcery Checklist.

To kick off our Sword and Sorcery Season let's have a look at the things that a premium, top drawer, cream of the crop Sword and Sorcery film needs.

• If your parents are alive, even one of them, then don't bother applying for a job as the hero in a Sword and Sorcery film. Both parents have to be murdered by sword, maybe even beheaded, by the film's big bad.
• Someone has to have some strange facial hair. Beard without moustache is a favourite look. Or a porn tash if you're Sean Connery.

• There has to be a haggard, crusty old witch dressed in rags. Preferably blind.
• Our hero has to have an iconic weapon or a signature move.
• A really, really irritating small humourous companion (like Scrappy Doo) is generally included.

• The heroine partakes in blouse removal. The hero has a good peep/leer.
• The hero comes up with a crafty plan to bed the heroine.
• The villain has to ham it up like Pek's gone out of fashion (technically Pek is pork, but you get the gist).
• The hero has a plucky band of helpers: the big strong one, the short, sneaky, thieving one, the child out to prove  they can fight, the old fella with beard (preferably blind, again) and don't forget the cyclops played by an out of work Carry On thespian.

• A training scene. Either the hero training or the hero training someone else.
• A boy to man transition scene (or girl to woman - did Red Sonja have one of these? Most probably).
• The film poster is a blatant Simon Bisley rip-off.
• Someone wears sandals.

• Everyone lives in huts or castles. You don't get Sword and Sorcery films set in the back streets of Grimsby.
• Get bonus points a-plenty if Julie Andrews plays the blind witch. Not the heroine though (see bullet point 6). That would be bad. For a previous feature, I had to search for a Julie Andrews image and up came a picture of her displaying her begonias. More a case of Mary Pop-outs. I still have nightmares and night sweats now.

So there you have it. You can use this to judge the quality of the choice selection of films we have lined up for you in this season. Or better still, turn it into a drinking game. This has the added benefit that if Julie Andrews does turn up as the heroine you can drink yourself to oblivion and forget the whole dreadful experience.

evlkeith