Review - Phenomena (1985 - Dir. Dario Argento)

The Luc Besson Season was a bit of a disaster with an average rating of only two. Low quality. Let's see how Mr Argento fares. In our first instalment, Dario tries his hand at fusing giallo and fantasy elements with Phenomena. With mixed results. Does anyone actually care who the killer is in gialli? All I'm bothered about are the quality of the murdering gloves they wear and the death scenes. 

So how do the murders stand up? Stylish but pretty tame. Only two deaths stick in the mind: one involving two of Dario's trademarks, head through glass and extreme slow-motion, the other while brief, comes as a shock on first viewing. It's a disappointment after the delights of Tenebrae and Suspiria.

But it has got more to offer in the fantasy department, despite being completely stupid. A young Jennifer Connelly plays Jennifer, a girl with the supernatural ability to make insects frisky. While insects can be used to solve crimes and determine the time of death it seems a bit of a stretch that an insect could lead you to the killer. Just let it fly in front of you, follow it, and there you go. Episodes of CSI would become suspiciously similar if this technique worked. As for there being a link between insects and the human soul...

The characters are all in stupid horror film mode. People wander blindly into murdering situations. The killer barely has to break into a sweat. Word of warning: if there's a murderer on the loose, and someone you know starts behaving psychotically, don't swallow a tablet that they've given you. Regardless of how much they shout at you. Just in case you were tempted.

Like the majority of Dario's early efforts, Phenomena looks great. Architecture is beautifully lit and shot, as you'd expect and there's a gorgeous shot of Connelly (Jennifer, not Brian) rising out of the water at night, a fire burning in the background.  It also does disgusting pretty well too. A 'swimming pool' scene is particularly full of grue, when the film takes a satisfying dark turn towards the end.

I sincerely hope that Phenomena isn't used as a training aid for professionals dealing with mental illness. Here are some things I learnt: sleepwalking = psychophrenia. Doccortex had a sleepwalk. Once. Lock him up. Something else that I found out is that mental asylums should have a number of levels. And as the levels are descended, the inmates should get increasingly monstrous. A bit like hell. So let me get this straight: posh middle class children should go to huge ornate private schools, whilst children with mental health issues should be locked in the fiery depths of Satan's buttcheeks. Sounds like part of the Tory manifesto.

Despite its numerous failings (a blatant piece of thieving from Don't Look Now, Donald Pleasance's comedy Scottish accent and some jarring rock tunes on the soundtrack) I cant help quite liking this film. It has an atmosphere that Opera lacked. Connelly's sleepwalking episodes add to the fairy tale quality. Not Connelly's best. Not Dario's best. But worth a watch for a razor wielding monkey alone. (The rental copy I watched on Blu-ray had an extra bonus feature: it kept randomly swapping languages. One minute it was in English, then Italian. The most surreal was when it went into German.)
6/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
Monkey Shines, Dark City, Suspiria, Tenebrae.

Review - Nightbreed: The Cabal Cut (1990/2012 - Dir. Clive Barker / Restoration Director: Russell Cherrington)

It has been a long time since I originally watched Nightbreed and read the book on which it was based, 'Cabal'. In the intervening years the two things seem to have merged in my brain and the version of the film that I can remember is very similar to this new cut.

Obviously this is just my brain playing major tricks on me because it is very evident that this has been a labour of love to put The Cabal Cut together from a variety of sources, including VHS work copies. The differences are plain to see due to the grainy old footage. It is great to see a version that is closer to the director's original vision rather than a exercise in studio butchery. Is anyone really surprised that the studio execs couldn't understand how monsters could be the heroes of a film?

Aaron Boone (Craig Sheffer looking a bit like David Boreanaz with a huge mullet) keeps having nightmares about monsters who live in a mythical place called Midian. Whilst having psychiatric treatment, Dr Dekker (David Cronenberg) convinces him that he's really a serial killer. (Cronenberg is excellent as Dekker and is a more complex character in this version.) Boone decides to try to find his fellow monsters and meet his destiny.

Nightbreed is entertaining enough for the most part. I can remember being disappointed when I first watched it due to its lack of gore, especially after Hellraiser, so it improves dramatically with different expectations. There is a bit of face ripping but for a more extreme version of visage rippage, watch Dagon. This is more of a fantasy film than a horror, as with much of Clive Barker's work.

This cut feels overly long, especially in the final third, and the ending is a bit of a mess. But bearing in mind that this is still a work in progress, hopefully heading to a Blu-ray quality version, there are still improvements that can be made in the editing suite. Another niggle is that Boone, a white innocent all-American fellow, is the destined saviour of the monsters in a similar fashion to Avatar. 

The monster effects are great - Bob Keen is a top bloke, I wonder what he's up to now - but the designs look dated probably due to the fact that they have been homaged so many times by Xbox games. There are some great visuals, the sequences in Midian are especially memorable.

It took me quite a few Clive Barker books to realise that I'm not actually that keen on his work, but Barker lovers will lap up this new, improved version of Nightbreed. The one big question is why we haven't seen Buttonface make any other appearances.

5/10

evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:

Hellraiser, Dust Devil, Lord of Illusions.

Review - Origin: Spirits of the Past (2006 - Dir. Keiichi Sugiyama)

As you probably already know, I tend to watch a bit of anime when I want to be guaranteed a half-decent viewing experience. And that's exactly what Origin: Spirits of the Past is: half-decent. No more, no less.

The planet is in ruins with nature fighting back. Agito lives in the desolate Neutral City. As a contrast, a lush forest grows nearby that restricts the water available to the city. Yet another contrast is brought to bear when the Ragna nation enter the fray with all its military might. Agito discovers Toola, a girl who has been asleep for three hundred years. That's a lot of 'Match of the Days' she's kipped through. Maybe Toola has the secret to bringing the world back to its natural balance? Or maybe she just likes singing songs by Dexy's Midnight Runners. From the above description, it does sound a lot like Nausicaa. And it is. Even the costumes of the Ragna leaders feels very familiar. Sadly, it's nowhere near as good as Nausicaa.

The introduction is baffling to say the least with dragons made out of plants zooming through space to attack Earth, although it is pretty thrilling especially when the gorgeous music is taken into account. Reminiscent of the music from Macross Plus, it lifts this opening scene to a must-see level (Tekkonkinkreet starts with a similarly great scene). When this theme recurs later in the film it is very welcome.

It is welcome because there is a rather large lull in the mid-section of the film. I don't know whether it was because I was in stupid-mode (always a possibility) but it all seemed quite hard to follow. This is borne out by the fact I've watched it a few times recently and it's still hard work. There are a couple of funny moments to keep the interest though. Agito falls on his coccyx. Comedy gold. Agito also acquires a crop top. Stylish.

Luckily things start to pick up at the end with a battle between a walking volcano and some cannon toting mechs. Also, rather than sitting and waiting for certain death (or eagles) on an erupting volcano, like the happy couple Sam and Frodo, Agito has a much visually better way of escaping a lava flow. It is moderately breath-taking. Maybe Manga will slap that comment on their promotional materials for the film. Ah, no. Just checked. They've used the quote, "Breath-taking" from The Sun. 

Origin: Spirits of the Past always seems to be available for a budget price, even in HMV. It's well worth a few of your shiny pounds for the gorgeous animation alone, just don't expect anything truly amazing story wise. Watch Nausicaa for that.
5/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, Laputa: Castle in the Sky, Macross Plus.

Review - Flesh + Blood (1985 - Dir. Paul Verhoeven)

Whoops. Soz.

Flesh + Blood starts off like a highly inappropriate pantomime. The acting is shocking; even Rutger Hauer suffers from a severe case of over-the-top, back-slapping camaraderie and raucous flaughter (definition - false laughter). Brion James is the worst offender, but then again, he always is. (See Tango and Cash for more of his comedy antics.)

The initial section of the film makes for uncomfortable viewing. Rutger's merry little band of mercenaries are cheated out of their rightful spoils by Arnolfini, a noble lord. Then they are run out of town. They soon get their own back. They ambush said lord and nick his treasure, inadvertently kidnapping his son's bride-to-be, Agnes (Jennifer Jason Leigh - Last Exit to Brooklyn). By this point you are firmly on the side of Rutger and his little chums, cheering them on in their humorous shenanigans and malarkey. Then they brutally gang rape Agnes. 

Flesh + Blood takes a good long while to recover from this, but as it develops, it transpires that you should be siding with Agnes and the lord's, initially irritating, son. You have to give Verhoeven the benefit of the doubt that this was always his intention, to usurp your expectations. Then the plague makes a guest appearance and things start to pick up.

There are some cracking quotes in it. A band of soldiers come across an old lady, accompanied by a young lady. They question them. The young lady won't talk. The old lady explains that, "Some soldiers, big fellows like you, raped her when she was a child and then cut out her tongue for fun." To which, one of the soldiers comments to his boss, "Come, my friend. We'll learn nothing here." Cheers, mate. Very sympathetic. Good luck in your job at The Samaritans. Another pearler is: "Knives and forks are part of our lives." Don't ask.

Mr Hauer is just made for iconic shots. Put him in the rain, mist or against fire and film him. Instant great shot. There are at least three such shots within Flesh + Blood. Worth the asking price alone. The small matter of a hot tub scene adds value too.

After the shaky start, Flesh + Blood grew on me and by the end I actually quite enjoyed it. Not Verhoeven's best. Not Hauer's best. But not bad.
4/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
Salute of the Jugger, Blind Fury, Excalibur.

Review - The Garbage Pail KIds Movie (1987 - Dir. Rod Amateau)

Okay, I admit it. The only reason why I thought to review this film was because I remembered that there is a scene where a official looking fellow nets an ugly child. Now I get to use the label 'The netting of people who shouldn't really be netted in polite society' at the bottom of the review. That's it really.

Strangely, on rewatching this supposedly terrible film, I found myself slightly enjoying the whole experience. The only part of the film that I'm really uncomfortable with is Nat Nerd. He is a child who repeatedly wets himself. At one point, he wets himself on purpose. None of the other Garbage Pail Kids laugh. Nat says, "I thought it was funny." You're the only one, mate. Laughing at children with poor bladder control is not pleasant. (Whereas laughing at ugly children getting netted is? - evlkeith's conscience.) 


Dodger (Mackenzie Astin) is your standard Marty McFly-a-like who gets beaten up regulary by the local bullies led by Juice (Ron MacLachlan) - just look at that jacket and you'll see why he gets a good kicking. Dodger works in Captain Manzini's Antiques shop and one day accidentally discovers seven strange little chums in a rubbish bin. These include Ali Gator who has a penchant for eating toes, Messy Tessie who excretes slime from virtually every orifice and Windy Winston who trumps with a contented look on his face. This happens a lot.

The plot (?) concerns a fashion show by Tangerine (Katie Barberi), Dodger's dream girl. The twist is that the Garbage Pail Kids have made all the clothes and she's thieving them. She pretends to be their friend and gets them all working in sweat shop conditions, sewing thousands of sequins on to skimpy outfits. Rumour has it that Tangerine now runs Primark. Or so the bloke down the chippy told me.

In the latter stages of the film we are introduced to the State Home for the Ugly. Inside are various prison cells labelled with the reason for their occupants incarceration. Some of the labels are: 'Too fat', 'Too short', 'Too bald' and everyone's politically correct favourite - 'Too crippled'. I'm sure that I would be netted under various ugly offences.

This film is about friendship, betrayal, true beauty and various bodily fluids. Okay, it's not brilliant. It's not even good. Fine, it's not even average. Definitely not politically correct, if that's your beverage of choice. But it is vaguely entertaining in a bad sort of way. I've seen a lot worse.

2/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
Crikey. Is there anything else like this? If you want films about netting people you could try Hobo With a Shotgun or The Woman.

Review - Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010 - Dir. Jalmari Helander)

You might be wondering why this film isn't part of the upcoming Christmas Season. It's because it's a Christmas film obviously. It would be crazy to have a Christmas Season that actually contained Christmas themed films. For a film to qualify for the season, it has to be one that I watch at this festive time, but have no Christmas content. Hope that clears that up.


On to the film. I went into this expecting a low-budget dirty grimy Finnish festive tale with a sideline in creepy nastiness. Rare Exports feels more like a Spielberg film (if he made obscure low-budget family unfriendly films). I was surprised at how gorgeous it looked. The lighting in both the interiors and exteriors, along with some super-smooth camera moves, make for a more polished experience. Even the odd bits of grime and grit look shiny. Straight away my expectations were dashed.


I don't think that it's a spoiler to give away some plot details (the trailer gives away far more). A company dig up something strange in the mountains of Northern Finland. Turns out that it's Santa. Not the cuddly (slightly worrying) Santa we all know and love, but a Santa from fairy tales who rips bad children to shreds. This affects a small nearby community who, after a really bad 'harvest', come up with a crafty plan to make some cash. Pietari (Onni Tommila) is a small boy from the village who knows from the start what is happening, but no-one believes him (funnily enough).

Rare Exports contains some cracking visual sequences and looks so good that I feel I should like it more. Was it my initial expectations clouding my judgment? My main problem is that the material seems to be stretched to feature film length. At many points, it seems to drag along at such a slow pace. I'm all for a patient build up, but this is a tad too patient. My other gripe is that seeing as though this is based on a dark, violent, child-shredding fairy tale Santa, there's not really a lot of blood and gore. A pig comes off the worst but it's nothing that you couldn't see just wandering through your local Morrisons. The whole thing comes across as being gentler than your average episode of Heartbeat (definitely tamer than the episode where Nick 'Wicksy' Wicks catches Greengrass gutting a pensioner with a pickled onion fork, just to thieve his bag of Werthers). 

Again this all come backs to my feeling of Spielberginess: great visuals, gentle humour, children at the centre of the story, plus there's a shot of some crates that recalls one of Spielberg's greats. It's worth seeing on DVD, but only just.
4/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
The Thing, Tekkonkinkreet, Dead Snow.

Review - The Beastmaster (1982 - Dir. Don Coscarelli)

So we come to the final entry in our Sword and Sorcery Season and I've saved the best till last. This was the first film I ever saw on a new-fangled technological device called a VHS Video Recorder/Player. It was round at a friend's house and what a cracking film to see. I was sold on the ideas of videos from that moment on.

Marc Singer (from the original series of V) plays our animal-loving friend. Due to a strangely attractive witch's intervention, he is born from the belly of an ox and from that moment on has a certain affinity for all manner of creatures. He can even see through the eyes of beasts and hear their thoughts. I sometimes wonder whether I was cut out of an ox's stomach because my rabbits talk to me (no, that's just clinical insanity).

Suffice to say, he goes on an epic quest in the search for vengeance, meets some chums and gets the girl.

Straight out of the Sword and Sorcery Checklist, Beasty comes up with a crafty plan to bed a bathing slave girl, Kiri (Tanya Roberts), who in true Sword and Sorcery style has a problem keeping her blouse on. In a similar fashion to Lupin, the Beastman comes across as a bit of a pervert, peeping and chuckling in a really dirty fashion. Funny, though.

The story is fairly bog-standard but it is very well told. Even with studio interference (what a surprise) and the insertion of some dubious visual effects shots (again, the studio's fault), the story is coherent and cracks along at a good pace. It's two hours long (blatantly ignoring the 'good film = one and a half hours' rule) but it more than justifies the extra length. It's almost got more endings than Return of the King. Almost. But  all of the plot threads get tied up satisfactorily. The story-telling is a definite cut above its genre-mates The Sword and the Sorcerer and The Warrior and the Sorceress from roughly the same time period.

There are so many memorable moments in this film: Beastial Man getting sucked down into quicksand and rescued by ferrets, the creepy tree/bird people who liquidise their victims and let's not forget the insane Death Guard who charge about causing mayhem and general unpleasantness. Shame we don't see more of them. Don Coscarelli (Phantasm) knows the power of the simple still shot. The brilliantly designed Jun horde (the baddies) stood atop a hill waiting to attack a village is another standout. Loads more great stuff awaits those willing to watch a slice of 80s obscurity. 

You could never accuse the leads of being great actors, but  the performances are enjoyable across the board. Even though it was filmed in December in the freezing cold (including the scene where Tanya Roberts swims in the pool), the actors all seem to be having fun. Marc Singer is likeable and obviously worked hard to get into shape for the role. His sword swinging abilities have become legend. Try to pick up any sword-type implement and not do The Beastmaster swing manoeuvre. It's a physical impossibility after watching this film.

A great film that still stands up today. Don't bother with the dubious sequels though. They're not directed by Mr Coscarelli and you can tell.

8/10

evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Phantasm, Spacehunter: Adventures in Forbidden Zone, Bubba-Ho-Tep, The Dark Crystal.