Intermission - evlkeith's Fashion Emporium

The other day an old lady came up to me, while I was frequenting a local knocking shop, and asked me, "evlkeith, considering that you're such a fashion icon, why don't you start your own clothes shop?" It's a good question. I'm so busy doing other stuff, like writing film reviews, that I'll probably never get round to creating a multi-million pound fashion behemoth. But if I did, this is what it would be like...

It would be cheap. Not quite 'as chips', but close. And the clothes would be of high quality. They'd last for ages and there would be a complete lack of shrinkage when washed at higher temperatures. Premium products made by a well paid workforce. 

They would also be intensely fashionable. I would spend many millions of pounds on getting the top models and popular music stars to wear my clothes and say how great they are before I open my stores. Everyone would want clothes designed by me.

But here's the catch: I would only allow certain people to buy them. It would be a very exclusive club. All of my stores would screen potential customers before they were allowed to buy. All employees would also have to get through the screening. Here are the tests:

• Muscle mass - as soon as a customer walks in, they pass over a hidden sensor that calculates muscle mass. Anyone with over a certain percentage of muscle, let's say 10%, gets thrown out, by a big burly ex-miner.

• iPhone - owning an iPhone is an instant red flag. As is having owned an iPhone that has since been nicked.

• Attractiveness - anyone deemed to be very attractive immediately gets the boot.

• Social skills - prospective customers would be met by one of my employees of the opposite sex. The employee would try to strike up a conversation with them. If they shuffle around uncomfortably, mumbling quietly, they're in.

• Comics test - customers who have got past the previous rounds would then face a written exam based on their knowledge of comics. Anyone scoring less than 80% is out. 

• Posh house - evidence of a postcode and house number will be required. Anyone who lives in a nice area is shown the door.

• Musical knowledge - a series of pop tunes will be played. Failure to recognise the groups or artists will mean elimination. Possible groups could include The Mars Volta, The Hepburns or The Bodines.

• Fitness - A 10 minute sprint on a running machine with no stop button. If the customer falls through lack of fitness, a crane arm grabber thing picks them up before they hit the deck and places them on a lovely bed of cushions. If the customer/show off manages the full 10 minutes, the crane arm smashes their face into the moving treadmill, which happens to be made out of industrial grade sandpaper. 

You may have realised that all of these tests are designed to weed out the rich, attractive, popular, fit, cool kids. My high quality, high fashion, low price clothes will be for everyone else who can't shop in certain other clothes shops due to their lack of the above qualities.

And when my fashion empire reaches its peak, I would buy out the certain other clothes shops and shut them down. Then I would laugh.

evlkeith

Intermission - Dating

We all know that obscurendure is the premier site for single middle-aged men looking for love. Who can forget the services provided by www.idateasia.com and www.filipinocupid.com amongst others. One of our most recent adverts has been for www.uniformdating.com where you can date a Policewoman of all things. It's only a matter of time before we get the most specialist of specialist sites, www.dinnerladydating.com.

I'd reached a point where I couldn't imagine being surprised by any of the strange dating action being touted. Until I saw the following:

Doccortex will be in dating heaven with this ladies + milk combo. Happy Birthday mate! And who knows what new dating experiences await us in 2013...

evlkeith

Intermission - Smells

People are forever coming up to me when I'm having the corns cut off my feet and saying, 'evlkeith, you're a knowledgable kind of guy, what the worst smell in the world?' Easy peasy lemon squeezy as Zippy would quite rightly say.

There are many bad smells: the smell of a dog eating another dog's poop (somehow worse than a static dog poop), the strong whiff of ammonia that emanates from most musicals and not forgetting, the stench that poured forth from Randy Milliner's backside when I was stuck in a stuffy hot car with him (I've never opened a car window so fast in my life). But these are mere fledglings in the world of stench...

As a young evlkeith, I used to make artefacts out of toilet roll paper and a sugary syrup that I knocked up by boiling sugar and water - newspaper and glue were an extravagance in the early eighties. With these primitive materials I was able to fashion, amongst other things, a Freddie Krueger mask and a human heart, glazed with the same sugary substance to give it a fresh, wet look.

What has all this got to do with smells? Good question. I'll get there soon. 

I decided to venture into unknown paper mache territory and purchase some wallpaper paste. Oh, the joys of mixing up a batch of a proper craft material in an orange bucket. I can't remember what I actually made but the important point is that I had about half a bucket full of pastey papery loveliness left. So, in a typical teenager fashion, I forgot all about this precious bucket and left it hidden under a table in my bedroom. 


Weeks later, I decided to check on the state of the paper mache. Was it still wet? Still usable? After a bit of a stir I stuck my head into the bucket to have a good look... and nearly broke my neck from severe whiplash. The stench was incomparable to any known stinky smell. It made me want to physically retch until my bumhole popped out of my mouth. This brilliant creation needed a name. And so Fomponce was born.

Friends (and enemies) from miles around came to partake in a whiff of the fabled Fomponce. Due to the far too sharp head movement caused by the pong, all left with a stiff neck at best, and at worst... a trip to A&E to get an emergency neck brace fitted. Even the Devil gave an impressed nod of his little head when he got a nose full. The Fomponce was fed with more paper, more water, more earwax, bogies and everything that could possibly make it smellier. The Fomponce became the stuff of legend throughout the whole of South Yorkshire for its sheer extreme fetid power. Eventually the Fomponce gained sentience and is now happily married in a two-bed terrace in Hull.

If anyone is stupid enough to try to make a Fomponce clone, don't blame me if you get struck down by some dubious lung disease. Strangely, everyone who had a sniff of the Fomponce now has chronic lung failure. A case for Quincy to get his teeth into, I think.

Sorry. Wrong Quincy.

That's better.

evlkeith

Intermission - The Art of Tea Bag Folding

People are forever coming up to me when I'm knocking about in Clarky's bookies and asking me, "Evlkeith, what was your resolution at New Year and have you kept it?" I answer, in my smooth, dulcet tones, that my resolution was to start a new hobby and keep it up for the whole year, and maybe longer.

I decided to have a go at the ancient art of tea bag folding. Invented in Holland by a lady called Tiny van der Plas, when she wanted to make someone a lovely, thoughtful birthday card and all she had handy were some gammy tea bags. Cheers for that, love.


The art has obviously come on a long way since then. Here is a fine example done by a master tea-bagger:

Beautiful. I am obviously not up to that standard yet. I am merely taking my first baby steps and dipping my toe into the toasty-warm waters of tea-baggery. My initial efforts were a total shambles, but now with practise I am ready to showcase some of my work to the world:

Rather special, I think you'll agree. Okay, not as good as the masters. But my tea-bagging is improving. I still need to work out where they get the different colours and pretty flowers from. The internet is no use. Most of the time when I search for tea bag related activities I get some rather unsavoury specialist pictures. Cheeky. I think I'll try some posh tea next, like Typhoo. That might be the secret... 

Yeah, great. Just chuck us the tea bags when you're done.

evlkeith

Intermission - Dinner Party Tips Part 2

People are always coming up to me down the local bingo hall and saying, "evlkeith, you hold all these swanky, sophisticated dinner parties for your many friends, can you give me some advice? I'm serving some fancy bread (I may even go down the highly decadent Kingsmill route) and I want to know what sort of cold fat to spread on it. Please, please can you help?"


You have many options. Let's go through them:

• Lard. Cheap and cheerful but it does tend to clag up your throat as it goes down. Only use lard if you're really desperate.

• Trex. Not bad and it's a lot lower in fat than butter. But who wants low fat when you're supposed to be enjoying yourself? No-one. Next option.

• I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Because I Have No Taste Buds Due To Drinking A Bottle Of Hydrochloric Acid. Enough said.

• Olive oil. Come off it. There's fancy and there's just showing off. You can't even spread it. Next.

• Let's face facts, there's only one real option. It has to be the King of cold fats: Lurpak. Once you've tasted it you'll recoil in horror at the mere mention of using a substitute cold fat. Give your guests Lurpak and they will be talking about your dinner party prowess for years to come. Go on, give it a try, you won't be disappointed.

evlkeith

Intermission - Water Safety

A passerby came up to me the other day in the street and said, "Evlkeith, I've got a four year old daughter and a two year old son. The problem is that they keep arsing about around our garden pond. I keep telling them to stop arsing about, but they just don't listen. I'm really worried about them arsing about and falling in. Can you help?"

Having a degree in child psychology, this is an easy one. You need to put the fear of God into them. More precisely, the fear of death. Tell them that if they persist in their showing off, foolishness and unwary behaviour then The Spirit of Dark and Lonely Water will come for them in a manky, dark brown, hooded cloak, and drag them under the water into the deepest pits of hell. That should sort them out. Remember that The Spirit has no power over sensible children.

If this doesn't work, go and watch telly and leave them to it. You've informed them of the risks and they'll have to take the consequences.

NB obscurendure accepts no responsibility for the unwise use of these seventies parenting techniques.

Intermission: Dinner Party Tips

People often come up to me in the street and say, 'Evlkeith, I'm in line for a promotion and my boss is coming over with a few other important guests for a big swanky meal. What hors d'oeuvres should I serve to make the best impression?'

An interesting question indeed. You have two options. Vol au vents would be a good choice, but you don't want to appear too desperate, so give them a miss. Easily the best idea is the beautiful combination of savoury cheese, sweet pineapple and tangy silverskin pickled onions, all served on a cheeky little cocktail stick to enable easy handling. 

Don't fall into the trap of using Garners pickled onions (definitely the best on their own, a food crime against delicate palates if used with this combination of flavours). Similarly, stick with bog standard cheddar and tinned pineapple for the perfect taste sensation. For a classy presentation tip, cut an orange in half, wrap it in tin foil and stick your cocktail sticks into that. How can any boss resist that?

Many people have followed this advice and now have the job of their dreams. And a big hot tub filled with ladies/gentlemen.

evlkeith

Intermission - Cocktails

People often ask me, 'Evlkeith, what are the best cocktails?' Well, this is a massive subject and perhaps one that I am not qualified to write about. But I'll give it a go.

The three top cocktails in my mind are (in no particular order):

• Gimlet Cocktail - famously named after the small t-shaped bradawl type tool. 1 measure gin and 1 measure lime cordial mixed in with half a glass of ice. Basically, gin and lime.

• Salty Dog - appetisingly named and so simple to make. 1 measure of vodka and grapefruit juice to taste. Basically, vodka and grapefruit. 

• Monkey Gland - finally a proper cocktail. 3 dashes Pernod, 3 dashes Grenadine, 1 measure of orange juice and 2 measures of gin. Mix all the ingredients together in your Alessi Boston shaker and make sure they are all nicely chilled before starting. Beautiful.

So, there you have it. Probably no surprises in that list, but a classic is a classic.

What a waste of time. If you watched all of that, you did better than me. He needs to learn something constructive, like knitting.

Intermission - Retro Phones

In between watching films I like to use my Retro Mobile. I can do everything that you need a phone to do: ringing people up for instance. 


Tired eyes? Can't cope with all of those bright colours on your phone screen? Why not switch to 'Murky Black and White with a hint of Yellow'-o-vision? Brilliant! Better than an eye bath for those weary eyes.

Sick of typing in long-winded texts? No problem. The texting capabilities on this baby are so irritating you will never even want to text. Problem solved!


Do those pesky ringtones annoy you because they actually sound like the real songs? Swap for a Retro Mobile and bask in the glory of monophonic chiptune ringtones. Sorted.

All of these capabilities and you can get them for about a fiver from car boot sales. Let's go Retro!

Intermission - Fashion

In between watching films, I like to chuckle about blouses. 

If you're after a business blouse make sure that it complements your suit rather than contrast with it. That would just be crazy. Make sure that your blouse is tucked in for that all important meeting. 

Casual blouse wearers - when going out after a long day at work, accessorise your blouse with maybe a necklace, brooch or even a shawl. 

For blouse hunters, easy pickings are to be found at British Home Stores. Virtually wall to wall blouses. Great stuff.

That's it for fashion tips. Back to the films.