Review - Mamma Mia (2008 - Dir. Phyllida Lloyd)

I hate musicals. I hate Abba. Being a total masochist I've decided to review Mamma Mia for you, dear reader. I've decided to do something a little bit different with this review because of the slightly non-obscure nature of the film. I wrote the review as I watched the film, in timeline form (admittedly some of the timings may be slightly off due to extreme shock) so that you have to experience the whole thing along with me. Because of the family nature of this site, be aware that many words have been omitted from the review. Liberally sprinkle my words with blasphemy and harsh swearing and you're closer to the reality. So strap yourselves in, assume the crash position and prepare yourself for a bumpy ride. 

0:54 Already into an Abba song. Nightmare. Let's check how long this abomination lasts... 1 hour and 42 minutes!!! They're having a laugh. 

2:16 Firth. This is not looking good.

2:56 Some girls are hugging each other in what can only be described as fake girliness whilst screaming, "OH MY GOD!" at each other.

4:12 Dire acting with yet more fake girliness. This film is aimed at six year old girls.

4:45 Who actually likes this? The singing and the backing vocals and the dancing are all choreographed. Just how do they know these routines?

6:16 Yet more fake girliness. Does it ever end?

6:18 Streep.

7:09 Fake English swearing from Firth.

7:19 More "OH MY GOD!"ing.

10:12 Some young posh lad has just walked in with a cowboy hat and cigar and did a comedy shimmy. Die.

11:20 Why is everyone so fake and hamming it up? And now we get some fake girliness with some pensioners.

12:34 Why can't they just act properly?

14:30 This set looks so fake.

15:35 A really embarrassing misunderstanding about the new fangled internet by Streep.

16:28 Streep is singing. Someone make her stop now.

17:26 Now a load of extras are joining in with a hearty, "HA".

18:24 Streep is doing a Titanic. What possible enjoyment value is there in this for anyone?

19:33 Bad thong gag about flossing that was old when cavemen wore fur thongs.

20:50 They all look really badly green screened onto a comedy island background. Eldorado had higher production values than this.

22:50 Firth being really posh and representative of about 0.1% of the UK.

24:40 Firth being really posh again. I need a cup of tea.

25:01 Avatar was bad and would get 0/10, but this in a completely different league of film torture. Can I go into negative numbers on the rating for once?

25:20 Streep's singing again. People above fifty should be banned from singing in public.

26:40 Now she's clawing at the air like she's overdosed on over-acting pills.

27:25 Ooh. Comedy fall. Genius.

28:50 Is that oh-so-subtle camera move suggesting that Streep and Brosnan are going to get together at the end of the film?

29:50 Now Walters is singing. Why do they have to sing?

32:20 I hate Abba. When I invent my time machine, I'm going to nip back and imprison them in separate isolation booths, all on different continents. They can be fed hummus and liver piping for the rest of their miserable lives.

35:09 Walters is waggling her backside - another activity that should be banned for the over 50s.

36:10 Streep's doing a jumpy splits thing. Banned.

36:50 Comedy gold.

37:21 I can't believe there's another hour of this. Kill me now.

38:25 Streep + Air Guitar = Banned.

38:45 My heart is racing. I'm getting properly stressed.

39:40 Firth's got a guitar. Please no. Don't let him sing.

40:07 Oh come off it. This has gone way beyond the pathetic joke it started out as.

40:35 What the hell is Brosnan singing for? He peaked with Goldeneye on the N64 (and he wasn't too bad in the Bond films) but now... What was he thinking? How to lose all self respect in one easy step.

41:15 This young lad is really irritating. Please die.

44:20 Beethoven has got more going for it. At least that had a dog in it.
45:20 I'm speechless. There are men in Speedos and flippers. Dancing.

46:37 Abba should be ashamed for giving birth to this monstrosity.

47:20 I don't think I can cope with the rest of this.

48:33 All of these actors are busy counting their money in their heads and laughing at everyone who bought this (luckily, I nicked my copy).

49:50 Where's Andy Bell when you need him?

50:47 "Someone up there has got it in for me." Exactly how I feel Streep.

54:00 Just do a DNA test and stop singing!

54:47 This is endless torture.

55:06 Now we're into Alan Partridge territory.

56:00 Dancers. I can't really comment on dancers without writing something massively offensive that would result in my incarceration.

57:56 More comedy gold from Walters.

1:00:25 I'm getting concerned that my will to live has been secreted away in some secret location that I will never locate for the rest of my sorry life. I need vodka.

1:03:21 Brosnan, please, no more. I submit.

1:05:23 Nobody who worked on this film should be allowed to work ever again.

1:06:00 This really bad actor is going to be a dancer, isn't he?

1:07:35 Dancers over-acting. Well I never.

1:08:28 Oh aye, here he goes. Filthy little dancer.

1:10:05 It's not even well directed. We're in true soap style here. Over the shoulder shot of her. Over the shoulder shot of him. Repeat ad deatheum.

1:12:17 The songs never stop. 

1:12:48 I honestly feel ill. Properly physically ill.

1:14:25 The plot would only take up about five minutes of a normal film. But oh no. Let's shoehorn in 17 million Abba songs.

1:20:04 Has anyone got a tub of aspirin?

1:20:10 Or a razor blade?

1:20:40 Failing that, a blunt rusty butter knife?

1:27:28 So yeah, that one clumsy camera move earlier on did give away the whole minuscule plot. Why did they bother?

1:29:56 A sides weren't enough. They've had to delve into B sides too.

1:33:15 Now Brosnan's got his shirt off. Streep, keep yours on. And you Walters.

1:35:15 Yes!!! It's finished!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Now let me just go and chuck up, give my brain a scrub with Vim and maybe I'll only suffer severe nightmares for the next 37 years.

1:37:42 NO! THERE'S MORE! 

1:37:43 I bet some people misguidedly think that it's great and empowering for all these pensioners to be dancing, singing and enjoying themselves. No it's not. It's embarrassing and sad and probably an indicator of dementia starting to kick in. Nobody should find enjoyment in that.

I thought that Mamma Mia would be bad but I never realised quite how bad it could be. I feel dirty. I feel violated. This kind of filth should be on the Nasties List. At least that's the end of The Musical Season. Anything's got to be better than this. Sleep well. I won't.
0/10
evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Taking brain medicine.

Review - Man of la Mancha (1972 - Dir. Arthur Hiller)

I did a double take when the name of the director came up: Arthur Hitler. Ah... no, Arthur Hiller. Easy mistake to make.

This is the fourth in our season of beloved musicals. It also suffers massively from the main reason why I hate musicals. When a character starts to sing, everyone else miraculously knows all the words. Not only that, they can sing it with three part harmonies. And perform a funny little dance routine. Satan has yet to come up with a greater sin. Man of la Mancha falls foul of this many times. A bunch of grizzled prisoners suddenly gain the singing ability of Mick Ball and the dance moves of Len Goodman. Preposterous. 

Man of la Mancha is a musical version of Don Quixote. It starts off with an allegedly true story from the life of the author Cervantes. He gets banged away in a prison for being a poet (fair enough) with the heavy threat of the Spanish Inquisition looming over him. The other prisoners can't stand his poetic ways either so they put him on trial. He tries to convince them of his worth by getting them to act out the story of Don Quixote with him. And have a bit of a sing too. Great defense. If I'm ever up in court, I'm going to have a go at that. I'll get the judge to pretend to be Scar and sing along to songs from The Lion King. The lawyers can dance and pretend to be giraffes or something. Guaranteed acquittal. 

Everything was going so well(ish) for the first twenty minutes. It looks gorgeous and made me think of what could have been if Terry Gilliam had made his version. Peter O'Toole was growing on me, playing both Cervantes and Don Quixote, even though his make up is one of the creepiest things since Bobby in The Divide. There's even a smidgen of Carry On humour as the buxom Sophia Loren walks in carrying a brace of jugs. But then the songs start. Very few of them are memorable and most sound as if the actors are making them up on the spot. The middle hour or so is dire. It was worse than being tortured by the Spanish Inquisition. Severe boredom doesn't do it justice.  

At this point I was deciding between a rating of 1 or 0. But it managed to turn it around. The ending is actually pretty engaging and dare I say touching at points. The aforementioned couple of memorable songs are repeated towards the end and I forgot the turgid hell-hole of the middle section. Almost.

Man of la Mancha is a huge test of endurance but there is some entertainment value, especially for hardcore musical fans. To sum up, it's obscure. Well, I hadn't heard of it before. It makes its 132 mins running time feel like 132 years, but it has got some filmic worth. For only the second time in history a film gains the coveted Werner Herzog obscurendure award. 

(Amazingly enough this award is in no way endorsed by the genius Werner Herzog.)
3/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
Lost in La Mancha, Don Quixote (1957).

Review - Peau d'Ane (1970 - Dir. Jacques Demy)

When I interviewed The Saw Lady back in April of this year she recommended Peau d'Ane (translation - Donkey Skin). My heart sank because it's a musical and as you may be aware of by now, I really don't like musicals. But I've watched it. Without any ranting. Possibly a first for a musical.

It's pretty good. Yeah, you read that right. I actually like a musical. Peau d'Ane is a fairy tale, but not your average Disney version of a fairy tale. Originally written by Charles Perault in the 17th Century (The Brothers Grimm rewrote some of his stories) this is up there with Rumpelstiltskin as one of the most disturbing fairy tales. It contains a donkey that poops treasure and an activity that definitely wouldn't make it into the Disney version.

If Jean Rollin directed fairy tales they would feel like this. The shots of castles could come straight from one of his films. My favourite shots though are of a dirty-faced princess wearing a donkey skin running in slow motion. It could be argued that this gets overused but I never got tired of watching that donkey-skinned princess run. The whole film is the most fairy tale like of any film I've seen. Everything from the gorgeous costumes to the lighting and the sparkly special effects just feel right. Then there's the music...

Now this is where the carefully crafted atmosphere could all have fallen down for me, but the songs added to the overall feeling. At times the soundtrack feels a bit like something Stelvio Cipriani could have written, and when the singing starts I can imagine it being something that Doccortex would probably enjoy listening to. Michel Legrand has done a fine job. Have a listen for yourself. (If you fancy.)

I don't want to give any of the plot away but rest assured that Kings, Queens, Princesses, Princes and a Fairy all feature heavily. The Princess is played by Catherine Deneuve and is the subject of many males' attentions in the film. I think that the lads had got it all wrong and should have been going after the Fairy (Delphine Seyrig) instead. 

My one disappointment with the film is that the end of the story feels very similar to Cinderella (also written by Perault). Given that the start is an original breath of fresh air, this is a shame. Just when you think it's all going to end in a standard issue way though, a helicopter enters the fray. This is not the most bizarre occurrence as blue and red faced people (and horses) appear as well as a talking rose, and there is an old woman with some of the most wayward ginger hair that I've ever seen.

I was doubting that any of the musicals in the Musical Season would get a rating of 5 or above but I was pleasantly surprised by Peau D'Ane. So it's a big thank you to The Saw Lady for a quality recommendation.
7/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
Fascination, Lola, Last Year At Marienbad.

Review - Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (1954 - Dir. Stanley Donen)

Imagine the scene: seven ginger brothers, all mountain men, descend from their solitary house to invade a local town and kidnap some lovely ladies in their chariot. They drive them back to their house covered in blankets. The mountain men have a right laugh. You might be forgiven for thinking that this is from the ginger version of Wrong Turn, but no, it's from the next instalment in our musical season, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

Image not from film - funnily enough.

It's Oregon in the 1850s and big burly beard-ridden ginger fellow Adam Pontipee (Howard Keel) wants a wife. He visits a local town, has a little sing, and chooses the lady for him, Milly (Jane Powell). Amazingly she agrees to marry him. What she doesn't know is that she will have to cook and clean for him and his six other beardy ginger brothers. Lucky woman.

Milly sets up an impromptu romance and dance school. She teaches the brothers how to behave and give it some on the dance floor, with some strikingly effective high knee manouevres. Her school works so well, in such a short length of time, that the fellas are virtually professional dancers/gymnasts by the time they come into contact with their first ladies. 

And so we come to the famous 'log dancing' scene. A veritable smorgasbord of comedy dance moves performed whilst balancing on logs. I'll admit it, it's the only reason why this film is included in the season. These scene is so ingrained in our family's consciousness that when it comes round to the inevitable games of charades, this film can be guessed in two seconds by miming dancing on a log. 

I sat and watched the scene thinking how great it will be when they get on to the logs. It's brilliant. But it never happens. It's more the 'plank dancing' scene. Still, it's really funny but the flatness of a plank is no match for the visual splendour of a cylindrical log. Maybe someone could do a George Lucas on it and CGI some logs in there to match my memory. 

Everything after this peak falls a bit flat and the film never recovers. As you may be aware I don't have a particular fondness for musicals so there's not really that much for me. The aforementioned kidnapping is the best part of the latter half. Sadly the 'log dancing' scene isn't available on YouTube or I would have put it on for you and saved you the bother of watching the rest of it.

The use of grainy old film allows the film-makers to get away with some old school trickery: rear projection, large sets with painted backdrops and models. It is also one of the most colourful films, especially when our ginger hillbillies go into town in their beautiful coloured shirts. It all adds to make some very pleasing visuals.

The trailer is great with some premium quality titling but not a whiff of the 'log dancing' scene. I'll leave the final comment to mother of evlkeith who came round to watch it with me (it's her favourite film): 'Very light-hearted and relaxing.'
4/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
I don't know of any other films that specialise in 'log dancing'. If you do let, me know.

Review - Hans Christian Andersen (1952 - Dir. Charles Vidor)

And so we enter the disturbing, murky depths of musicals. I don't know whether I've mentioned it before, but I hate musicals: all that singing, dancing and being happy malarkey. Eating a family-size pack of razor blades, then drinking a pint of salt water to throw them back up would be preferable to watching a musical. I'd even gargle with TCP afterwards. Then chop off my legs with a blunt, rusty butter knife that's had Jamie Oliver dribblings all over it. And finally cauterise the wounds with an electric cattle prod set to maximum electrical proddage. I hate them.

Hans Christian Andersen kicks off our Musical Season, the lucky little fellow.

Worryingly, I'm going to start with a positive; this film could feasibly (very feasibly) happen. There are no scenes where people start singing, then suddenly everyone else knows the words and a huge choreographed dance is born. Yes, people sing, but they sing on their own. The only times when there are simultaneous dance manoeuvres are during the ballet sequences. I'll come back to them later. I was amazed at how many of the songs I knew. Admittedly, I have seen this film before but many, many years ago. I can't say that I liked any of the songs, but I knew them. One musical sequence is fairly bizarre, only just following the above rule. During a market scene the traders repeatedly sing what they are selling. My two highlights were: 'Fish. Fresh Fish.' in a lovely low voice and 'Sausages.'. Shame no-one was selling Ginster's pasties, that would have made a nice little tune.

The big, no, huge problem is that times have changed, and I really tried to put my brain into a 1950s mode when watching this film. It's no reflection on Danny Kaye or the film-makers, but it is a sad reflection on society now that when Hans is telling stories and talking to children, he comes across as a bit of a... well, I'll let you decide for yourself. I feel too mean to actually write the one word that sprang to mind. It is a shame that the connotations are so different now.

This is not actually a biography of Hans Christian Andersen but, as the opening scene helpfully describes, a fairy tale about his stories. It is successful in creating this atmosphere; the cinematography, sets and costumes certainly help. 

Now to the ballet. There are some ballet sequences early on. Okay, all well and good, although I can't say that I particularly like ballet (there is a see-through wedding dress in one scene though). In fact, I can't really say that I like dancers. Dancing, is fine. Top fun really. Dancers, with their excessive overacting: not so fine. I better not get into another rant. Back to the ballet. The first scenes are mercifully brief. But then the final ballet version of 'The Little Mermaid' lasts for about seventeen thousand hours, without any cuts to any other action. I completely switched off and the film lost it for me. To add insult to injury the ending of the film contains a medley of the previous songs in a Jive Bunny style. It finished me off.

It wasn't quite as bad as I was expecting, but the final ballet sequence/medley combo definitely lowered the rating by a couple of points. Another four musicals to go; I am going to need so much vodka to get through this...
2/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
Court Jester, The Five Pennies, The Inspector General.

Review - The Wicker Tree (2010 - Dir. Robin Hardy)

Let's get this straight out of the way: The Wicker Tree is not as good as The Wicker Man. But you can say that about 99.999% of films. Robin Hardy set such a high standard it would be unreasonable to expect another film of such exceptional quality. Just as Joe Dolce could never hope to hit the giddy heights of 'Shaddap You Face'. Maybe not.

Is it any good then? Well, I liked it. It grew on me more and more as the film progressed. I suspect it will improve on repeat viewings. The tone of The Wicker Tree is more comedic than The Wicker Man - one scene involving a gentleman's middles perhaps goes a tad too far down this route - but it still has an unsettling atmosphere and has its fair share of erotic moments.


Beth Boothby (Brittania Nicol) is a pop star - with many hit parade top tunes to her name - who just so happens to be a born again Christian. Steve (Henry Garrett) is a cowboy. Who just so happens to be engaged to Beth. They have silver chastity rings so jiggery pokery is off the menu. They decide to become missionaries (eh? Didn't we say no hanky panky?) and set off to Tressock, Scotland. If you've seen The Wicker Man, it's fair to say you have a fairly good idea of what's coming next: songs, comedy moments, rudies and horror. Hardy leaves the horror to your imagination without resorting to gratuitous splatter scenes. This fits perfectly with the tone and feel of the film. 

As with The Wicker Man, this film deals with a clash between a current religion and the pagan Gods, who are used very cynically to explain away a sticky situation that the big bad boss man, Sir Lachlan Morrison, finds himself in. It also poses the question, 'Can you escape from fate?'. I think that the answer is given, in that everyone plays their part in the game, but I won't reveal the final outcome. If fate is definitely real, I would just sit playing PS3, eat coconut macaroons and drink Tizer all day rather than going to work. Fate will take care of the rest. If you can't change your fate you may as well have a laugh in the meantime.

The ending - again, it's never going to be as mind-numbingly horrific as The Wicker Man's but it is very atmospheric. I felt that it was a little bit rushed, possibly because I wanted to spend longer in the unsettling atmosphere surrounded by the gorgeous imagery. The titular tree is a stunning piece of design (originally drawn by Robin Hardy). It deserved more screen time. The ending, especially the final shot, reminded me of Hammer and Amicus productions. Very British. Which contrasts nicely with the casting of two Americans as the lead roles.


Sadly, Christopher Lee couldn't play the part of Sir Lachlan Morrison due to a back injury. What a difference that would have made. Graham McTavish is okay in the part and by the end, when he gets all shouty, I didn't mind him too much. But you can't help wondering... 

Robin Hardy would like to make a third film, to make it a trilogy. What a great fella. He's in his eighties and is still able to make a film of this quality and think about making another. After seeing The Wicker Tree, I would look forward to it. A salute is definitely the order of the day.
8/10
evlkeith


If you like this you could also try:
The Wicker Man (if by some miracle you haven't seen it - do I even need to bother saying that this is the original, not the 2006 waste of time), Dead of Night, Dr. Terror's House of Horrors, Theatre of Blood.