Review - Robot Wars (1993 - Dir. Albert Band)

(Many apologies for the lack of posts recently but I haven't been that well. It's even a bit of a struggle writing this. With luck I'll be able to get round to writing a review of the excellent Wolf Children soon too.) 

I thought that Barbara Crampton could provide us with the first major shock of the FA Cup of Actors. After Émilie Dequenne failed to make the most of her goalmouth chances in The Girl on the Train (only receiving a rating of 6/10), I thought that Crampy could sneak in a cheeky little last minute winner with Robot Wars. Robots fighting. Great stuff. And as long as it didn't turn out like the underwhelming BBC series of the same name, where the flamethrower and chainsaw attachments never really amounted to much, how could it go wrong?

Pacific Rim went for a similar formula of robots fighting monsters and the fights were pretty great. It was the completely useless story that the fights hung off that let the whole film down. Well in Robot Wars, there's a similarly useless story, but sadly, the fights are virtually non-existent.

The Earth has had a bit of a bad time due to the toxic gas scare of 1993 (must have been that jar of curried pickled eggs I had from the Abbey Friar). The survivors are at war with a rebel faction called the Centros who want to resurrect a hidden mega robot. Luckily they've got their own mega robot in the form of a mechanised scorpion complete with nippy little pincer things. Drake, (Don Michael Paul - sounds like his parents couldn't make up their minds on his first name so they gave him three) a mega robot pilot, teams up with archaeologist Leda (Barbara Crampton) to thwart those pesky Centros. And no, there's not a hint of Lara Croft style costumery.

Yep, the plot's rubbish but it's the fights that are unforgivable. The first battle consists of close ups of the scorpion mega robot loping along, occasionally shooting, and a tank that, again, occasionally shoots. This goes on for ages. There is never a sniff of a wide shot to show any kind of manoeuvring. The whole thing feels like the scorpion and the tank are in two completely separate locations (which they are) and as a viewer I felt completely removed from the supposed action. (To simulate this battle just stare at the first photo below for five seconds then look at the next. Then repeat. For added fun, make a few shooty noises.)

The second (and final) battle isn't much better. At least this time the two protagonists share the screen for a bit of what can best be described as wriggling. It's pathetic. Without great fights there's nothing else going on that's worth your time.

I know that Barbara Crampton isn't known for her stunning performances in art films, yet her films are generally enjoyable (apart from the dire You're Next). The best you can say about her performance here is that it at least paid for a few jars of industrial size Marmite. (It's ironic that Crampy knocked out Joan Fontaine in the last round who suffered from the same phoned in performance in Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.) Given that, she's easily the best aspect of this sorry mess. (Apart from the fact that it only lasts 71 minutes.)

I wasn't expecting much from a Charles Band production but when one of the highlights is a Puppet Master joke you know things are getting desperate. So sorry, Barbara you haven't managed to knock out the odds-on favourite in a startling giant-killing fashion. Dequenne, you're through to the semi-finals.
2/10
evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Pacific Rim, Robot Jox.

Review - Castle Freak (1995 - Dir. Stuart Gordon)

(You may remember that I have already reviewed Castle Freak a fair while ago but it came up as Barbara Crampton's random selection in the FA Cup so I've passed on the reviewing duties to Doccortex for a second opinion - evlkeith.)

My first voyage into the world of the FA Cup of Actors and highly enjoyable it was too. I was fearing the worst as Castle Freak doesn’t exactly look like my cup of tea, but I was pleasantly surprised by the atmosphere, story and the fact that it doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s a fairly standard horror offering, but what it lacks in originality it makes up for with straightforwardness and, it has to be said, sleaziness.

Having said that, I thought I was focusing on Jeffrey Combs for the FA Cup, and he is absolutely terrible in this. He’s wooden, joyless and displays such a lack of subtlety that I find it difficult to believe he is actually an actor. (I don't actually think he is - but he's still a quality horror icon - evlkeith.) Luckily enough however, I was supposed to be focusing on Barbara Crampton who strolls through the film with an air of class and confidence that led me to believe if she ever got her hands on the Castle Freak she’d kick hell out of him. She’s way better than this standard of film on this performance. I was going to knock a point off the score because of Combs, but Crampton cancels out his amateurishness.

To cut a short story even shorter…married couple John and Susan with their blind daughter, rock up at a spooky Italian castle that they’ve inherited. Surprise, surprise, a castle freak lives in the castle and all kinds of high jinks ensue when he gets loose. The freak himself is a somewhat pathetic villain in the truest sense of the word, but his makeup is believable and he atones for his slightly melancholic demeanour with a sneakiness and violent nature that he combines brilliantly with a creepy and sleazy side of his personality. At times he’s almost scary, but he certainly lives up to his name.

All in all it’s an entertaining package of spooky atmosphere, decent acting (apart from Combs) and amusing horror antics from the freak. It’s approaching an average viewing experience but not quite, so I’ll award Castle Freak 4.5/10, which sends Barbara into the next round of the FA Cup. It’s a well deserved victory and on this showing I’d look forward to seeing her in some meatier roles.

4.5/10  
Doccortex

If you like this you could also try:
Hell's Ground, From Beyond. 

Review - From Beyond (1986 - Dir. Stuart Gordon)

When I recently rewatched Re-Animator, I was a little disappointed by it. My memory of the film, on its first release, was so much better. Whereas I saw From Beyond on video in the eighties and I could hardly remember a thing about it. Strange how watching it now, it's actually a pretty good film.

Based on a short story by H.P. Lovecraft this is Stuart Gordon's second foray into Lovecraft territory (but not his last) after the aforementioned Re-Animator. I say it is based on a short story but in reality the nine page story forms the prologue to the film where we meet Crawford Tillinghast (the always excellent Jeffrey Combs) and Dr Edward Petorius (Ted Sorel) both larking around with a strange electrical machine that can stimulate the pineal gland in the human brain, allowing them to gain a sixth sense and 'see' the world around them as it really is. Funnily enough, this involves floating fish and creatures that rip your head off. The Beyond was never going to be filled with marshmallows, cushions and My Little Ponies, was it? Getting the prologue out of the way so quickly allows the director space to slightly embellish on the facts of the original story. And embellish he does...

Barbara Crampton. Leather gear. Not in the original story. But should have been.

Yep. Barbara Crampton appears again in a Stuart Gordon film but this time her role is reversed with that of Jeffrey Combs. She plays an ambitious psychologist, willing to go to any lengths to get what she wants. Her desires gradually drag her from fulfilling her job professionally into total insanity. Combs, meanwhile, is along for the ride (a ride which includes developing a filthy little head proboscis and an appetite for sucking human eyeballs out of their sockets - another embellishment).

Another horror icon appears in the form of Ken Foree. He plays an everyman kind of guy who even gets to prance around in just his undercrackers. A much lighter role than his one in Dawn of the Dead  then.

The cinematography and effects look stunning even now (well, most of them). Inspired by The Thing, the main creature is a mass of pulsating, morphing flesh. The creature's head, suspended on its spindly neck, is so convincing that it was a while before I actually considered how they'd accomplished the effect. It's fairly simple, but really effective. The stop-motion animation doesn't fare as well under not-co-close scrutiny. But as with films like The Gate and Hardcover it all adds to the atmosphere and appeal.

The recent Blu-ray from Second Sight is a joy to behold. The image quality and colours are a showcase for the Blu-ray format and the extras complete a very comprehensive package. (There's even an interview with Barbara Crampton looking back at the film, and she's still as gorgeous as ever. Maybe her involvement in these films has led her to become privvy to a Lovecraftian youth potion?) 

So, From Beyond is far better than I remember and goes to prove that it's sometimes worth going back and seeing initially forgettable films again. (Can't see that I'll bother with Ong-Bak 2 though.)
7/10
evlkeith



If you liked this you could also try:
Re-Animator, Dagon, The Whisperer in Darkness.