Review - Lock Up (1989 - Dir. John Flynn)

And so we come to the final instalment of The 80s Prison Season. Phew. I've decided to finish with Lock Up because it's got one of the most corrupt Warden/Guard combos in film history. Plus, I had to end on a severely cheesy note and this contains more cheese than a Cheese String (not hard considering they're made from barely edible plastic that's been rubbed between pensioners' toes).


Sylvester Stallone plays Frank Leone, a Vauxhall Conference league criminal, who is doing porridge in a low security prison. Not for long though, because he mysteriously gets transferred to a high security facility run by Warden Drumgoole (Donald Sutherland). It transpires that Frank escaped from the Warden's previous prison and wrecked his career. Drumgoole is mildly tetchy about these occurrences to say the least. 


Easily the best thing about the film, Drumgoole and his two main guard cohorts break many human rights and obviously enjoy it. They nearly gas Frank in a delousing chamber. They deprive Frank of sleep and then batter him with truncheons for a bit. They allow the death of Frank's friend at the hands of Mr Big, Chink Weber (Sonny Landham - Predator). They threaten to rape and murder Frank's girlfriend just to goad him into trying to escape. As you can see, you wouldn't recommend them for the Nobel Peace Prize.
  

Stallone is as you'd expect. He gives an absolutely cringeworthy speech mid-way through and is involved in most of the cheesier moments, the American football game being a prime example. For all its cheese, there are some darker moments. Someone gets killed in a weights room, obviously, but not Death By Shank. It is a harsher death than you would expect, due to the tone of the rest of the film. 
  

Lock Up has loads of the features from the Prison Checklist and is an entertaining way to spend a couple of hours, if only for the sadistic guard performances. 


If you want to try and work out what the next two seasons are, here are a couple of clues. Both seasons have direct links to Lock Up through the actors. One of them is John Amos who played the harsh but ultimately fair Captain Meissner. Hmm, intriguing.
6/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
An Innocent Man, Bad Boys, Tango and Cash.

Review - Bad Boys (1983 - Dir. Rick Rosenthal)

The penultimate instalment in our 80s Prison Season is Bad Boys, not the 1995 Michael Bay one, but the 1983 one starring Sean Penn. I can remember seeing the video case for this when it first came out at Creepy's Video Emporium (a quality video shop from the days when you could rent video nasties). I never actually rented it out because it didn't appeal to me at the time. Let's see what I missed.


Doccortex would probably love this because even though it is a prison film (getting lots of ticks on the Prison Checklist), it is also quite gritty (see the Gritty Checklist). Bad Boys is the American equivalent of Scum. Set in a 'Bad Lads' institution, Mick O'Brien (Sean Penn) is sent down for shooting a gun in public, thieving and killing Paco Moreno's (Esai Morales) younger brother. Paco is also a bad boy, involved in drugs and helmet haircuts.


In a similar fashion to Avatar, you know the whole plot of the film after the first half an hour. At least this is fun though. A lot of  the entertainment comes from Horowitz (Eric Gurry) who befriends O'Brien, shows him the ropes and eventually becomes his Lieutenant. He's likeable and funny in every scene he's in, especially when he kicks another helmet head, Viking Lofgren (Clancy Brown), in the chicken nuggets and does a little victory dance.

The inevitable showdown between O'Brien and Paco is well done. It has the feel of a proper scrap, not a choreographed Hollywood fight. Again, all very predictable, but quite wince inducing when one of our bad boys get stuck by a shiv in his leg. The whole thing is very formulaic, but then, aren't most prison films. It wouldn't really count as a real prison film if the other prisoners welcomed their new inmate chums with apple pie and then took them for a cup of Earl Grey and a chat about  Dostoyevsky. Enjoyable enough, just don't expect too much.
5/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
The Warriors, Scum, Prison, An Innocent Man.

Review - Bare Behind Bars (1980 - Dir. Oswaldo de Oliviera)

Only just making it into the 80s Prison Season is Bare Behind Bars and I wish, I dearly wish, it had been made in 1979. Terrible. One of the worst films I've ever seen.


I'm going to dispense with any discussion of the political correctness of this film because if you're going to watch a film called Bare Behind Bars then you should know what to expect. 

It is basically a soft porn film. With ladies going at each other as if they've been starved for three weeks and then let loose on a lady shaped piece of Pek chopped pork. Considering the amount of lady flesh on show it is the most unerotic film ever. There is one scene which strays into hardcore, but when the fella involved has got a droopy moustache and is covered in more hair than a mammoth, it doesn't make for pleasant viewing. The version I saw is cut but who cares.


I was expecting it to be fairly gruelling with some torture scenes. There are probably worse torture scenes in The Antiques Roadshow. One scene of the inmates being hosed down goes on for an eternity and the worst you get is a bit of whipping, where the whip sound is comically not in sync with the whip.


The only half decent thing in the whole film is Nurse Barbara. Watch the clip below for her best scene. Don't be fooled though. It's really not worth watching for her antics alone, even if they do involve an amusingly shaped pineapple. Bear in mind that I rented it on the strength of that clip and the promise of a bit of sleaze. It is just so boring. I just wanted it to end after about thirty minutes. I was clock watching (that's clock watching, it is a women in prison film) all the way through. 


I debated whether to give it a rating of 1 on the strength of Nurse Barbara and the sleazy music but seeing as though I wouldn't sit through it again, ever, for anyone, I thought I'd better go with the first obscurendure 0. This film may have had a place in the early 80s but it is pointless now and should be buried and forgotten, not released on Blu-ray. Pathetic.
0/10
evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Mary Poppins, Mamma Mia, Notting Hill because you deserve it.

Feature - Prison Checklist.

As part of the 80s Prison Season, I thought I'd better do a prison checklist. So, here we go, fifteen steps to the perfect prison film.

• An entrance to the prison scene where the protagonist has to walk past the other leering inmates who are preferably throwing toilet rolls at him.
• A prisoner who shows our hero the ropes.
• Dirty cops/guards.

• Someone gets stuck by a shiv.
• A scene on a basketball court or weights area. This could be combined with the above point.
• Our hero gets something taken off him by a rather large intimidating inmate, possibly toothpaste. Or a sausage from his plate.

• One of the inmates is an older guy who is never getting out.
• A male rape scene, most probably a gang rape.
• Mr Big who's in with the warden.

• There is a riot. Again, probably involving toilet roll lobbing.
• Our hero gets thrown in 'The Hole' and comes out looking suitably haggard.
• An A-Team making a weapon scene in the metal work room.

• A scene of sloppy unpalatable food being thrown onto a school dinner plate with numerous compartments by the prison equivalent of a dinner lady.
• One of the inmates dresses like a lady and is Mr Big's Mrs. Camp voice is optional.
• A lady (preferably Julie Andrews) gets trapped in the prison; the inmates make polite gestures to woo her.

'An Innocent Man' did quite well based on that list. I wonder if anything else can top it?

Review - An Innocent Man (1989 - Dir. Peter Yates)

Time for some moustache porn. It is so luxurious. So thick, bushy and neatly trimmed. It has got to be a Tom Selleck film. Seeing that moustache in prison, what can possibly be wrong with this film?

Not much. Far, far better than it should be. The Moustache plays Jimmie Rainwood, a devoted husband who amazingly gets put in the slammer for a crime he didn’t commit. Okay, no points for originality but it works because he pretty much does what you think you would do in prison. Faced with a gang of rather large fellows who want to make you ‘their boy’, what would you do? Eventually, under the tutelage of Virgil Cane (F. Murray Abraham), he attempts to solve his problem and make his stay in prison a more pleasant affair. 

The Moustache is a fairly bland everyman but is backed up by some more colourful characters. Abraham is a scene-stealer and comes across as very charming with a ‘don’t mess unless you want painful shank death’ attitude. David Rasche as dirty cop Mike Parnell is a standard sweary 80s villain, but is fun to watch. M.C. Gainey as the con Malcom tries to compete with  our hero by having a long droopy moustache. Not even in the same league mate. You don’t mess with the best.

For a Moustache film it is surprising violent, with some scenes that are shocking for a film of its time. I always thought that prisons looked like really bad places to be from watching prison films like this. Then I read Green River Rising by Tim Willocks and thought that it was so excessively violent and unrealistic. Then I saw a programme on real prison riots. Ah. Not quite as violent as the real thing maybe. The only major downside is the typically 80s music by Howard Shaw (Lord of the Rings). Tinged with Gorgonzola in many scenes.

A real surprise that this is even half decent. Definitely one of my favourite prison films. Oh, The Moustache grows an even bigger moustache halfway through. If you’re not sold on the idea by now, I give up.

8/10

evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Runaway, Lock up, Fortress, Three Men and a Baby.

Review - Prison (1988 - Dir. Renny Harlin)

Kicking off our 80s Prison Season is a late eighties prison film starring Lane Smith (Lois & Clark, V) as a prison warden gone bad and Viggo Mortenson (Lord of the Rings) as one of the prisoners. It is watchable rubbish and good for a late Friday night horror film.

Prison doesn’t actually contain enough prison action for my liking. Most of the usual prison film features are there but seem strangely muted. Lane Smith as the warden is miscast and never really convinces; he was far better suited to his role in the original V. Chelsea Field (Dust Devil), as the love interest, is very shouty at times. Good for music, bad for films. Viggo Mortenson doesn’t really have a lot to do and never becomes much of a hero.

What makes it watchable then? There are some half decent deaths with okay effects (all pre-CGI). The introduction of a supernatural element to the proceedings brings some extra effects spice with electricity bolts and some lively razor wire that wraps itself around a guard in true Evil Dead style. Also, you get to play the ‘He’s a goner’ game throughout the film, which is always a treat. It doesn’t take itself too seriously and is cheap and cheerful, but there are better prison films to come.

4/10

evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Castle Freak, Silent Hill, Shocker.