Review - The Garbage Pail KIds Movie (1987 - Dir. Rod Amateau)

Okay, I admit it. The only reason why I thought to review this film was because I remembered that there is a scene where a official looking fellow nets an ugly child. Now I get to use the label 'The netting of people who shouldn't really be netted in polite society' at the bottom of the review. That's it really.

Strangely, on rewatching this supposedly terrible film, I found myself slightly enjoying the whole experience. The only part of the film that I'm really uncomfortable with is Nat Nerd. He is a child who repeatedly wets himself. At one point, he wets himself on purpose. None of the other Garbage Pail Kids laugh. Nat says, "I thought it was funny." You're the only one, mate. Laughing at children with poor bladder control is not pleasant. (Whereas laughing at ugly children getting netted is? - evlkeith's conscience.) 


Dodger (Mackenzie Astin) is your standard Marty McFly-a-like who gets beaten up regulary by the local bullies led by Juice (Ron MacLachlan) - just look at that jacket and you'll see why he gets a good kicking. Dodger works in Captain Manzini's Antiques shop and one day accidentally discovers seven strange little chums in a rubbish bin. These include Ali Gator who has a penchant for eating toes, Messy Tessie who excretes slime from virtually every orifice and Windy Winston who trumps with a contented look on his face. This happens a lot.

The plot (?) concerns a fashion show by Tangerine (Katie Barberi), Dodger's dream girl. The twist is that the Garbage Pail Kids have made all the clothes and she's thieving them. She pretends to be their friend and gets them all working in sweat shop conditions, sewing thousands of sequins on to skimpy outfits. Rumour has it that Tangerine now runs Primark. Or so the bloke down the chippy told me.

In the latter stages of the film we are introduced to the State Home for the Ugly. Inside are various prison cells labelled with the reason for their occupants incarceration. Some of the labels are: 'Too fat', 'Too short', 'Too bald' and everyone's politically correct favourite - 'Too crippled'. I'm sure that I would be netted under various ugly offences.

This film is about friendship, betrayal, true beauty and various bodily fluids. Okay, it's not brilliant. It's not even good. Fine, it's not even average. Definitely not politically correct, if that's your beverage of choice. But it is vaguely entertaining in a bad sort of way. I've seen a lot worse.

2/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
Crikey. Is there anything else like this? If you want films about netting people you could try Hobo With a Shotgun or The Woman.

Review - Hanna (2011 - Dir. Joe Wright)

I doubt that Hanna is an obscure film at the moment, but it will be in a few years time. I usually really struggle to write film reviews, but in the case of Hanna there is just so much to say and speculate about. For a relatively mainstream release it's just so strange.

The whole thing has the feel of a gritty East German drama, but then has elements of commercial science fiction and a sniff of those pretentious films they show on the Sky Arts Channel. The German actors use a trademark deadpan delivery with absolutely no sense of humour and the American/British actors follow suite and attempt to act in a German style. Despite the straight delivery there are some really funny moments.

The story is an essentially weak version of the plot of X-Files Season 9, but weirdly they cast a Scully look-a-like as the uber-villain (Cate Blanchett). An Evil Scully sounds like an attractive prospect, but like everything in Hanna it ends up really weird, with Scully talking in a false southern drawl and charging about like some deranged storm-trooper. Bizarrely, Scully recruits a sweaty football hooligan type and a gang of authentic eighties style skinheads to help her chase Hanna across Europe and North Africa for no apparent reason other than the fact that skinheads always make good bad guys.

Hanna looks bemused throughout and I'm not sure Saoirse Ronan was acting or whether she was actually bemused. To be fair, she'd never left the forest for her whole life so she has every right to feel a little confused at the goings on around her. I could go on all day, but to summarise the other highlights; the British family are pure quality, there's some Crouching Tiger kung fu action done in an Eastern Euro style, the Chemical Brothers' soundtrack, Hanna's date with the Spanish boy, the fact that she just appears in places with no explanation and some arty camera effects which evlkeith will hate. And best of all, there's lots and lots of Heike Drechsler style running from virtually everyone on the cast.

Confused? You probably won't be much wiser after you've watched the film, but it's easily my favourite film of the year, possibly for all the wrong reasons.

7/10

Doccortex

If you like this you could also try:
Essential Killing, Crying Freeman, Sanctuary, Leon.

Short Film Review - The Puzzle (2008 - Dir. Davide Melini)

We'll start this review in a slightly different manner. Seeing as though it's only five minutes long, you can watch the film first before reading the review.

This short was shot in one day with a budget of only 300 Euros. But I'm not going to take that into account in the rating, it's got to stand on its own merits. Compared to a similarly low budget feature such as Atrocious, its central idea came as a bit of shock and provoked more of an emotional response than the whole of the longer film.


Initially, I wasn't sure where The Puzzle was going. The story, concerning a mother who won't give her son any money despite constant pressure, could have done with a touch more screen time to develop the relationship between the two characters. But despite her problems, she partakes in a spot of jigsawing to relax. (Doccortex would love this. He loves jigsaws. If anyone wants to get him a present, a jigsaw is your best bet.) 


The ending startled me the first time I watched it. I even felt a tiny shiver-ette down my spine. When I thought about it afterwards it didn't make too much sense. Wouldn't she have been able to work out what the image was before placing the final piece? Maybe her mental state was such that she couldn't focus on what she was doing and was operating on auto pilot. I'll give it the benefit of the doubt just because it was so effective.



The acting quality is not the greatest but this is possibly due to the budget. Again, this could be an issue of financing, but I would have liked the final shooting to be harsher and more graphic (that could just be me being a gore-hound). It may have added extra power to the shock that came before it. But on the whole, I enjoyed this and the final image on the jigsaw has stuck in my head (which is more than can be said for any of the shots in Atrocious). The rating is based on a comparison with other short films, just to be fair. I said I wouldn't take the 300 Euro budget into account, and I haven't, but it is certainly an impressive short for less than the price of an iphone.
6/10
evlkeith

Review - Sanctuary (1998 - Dir Tibor Takács)

I couldn't resist this film when I saw it. Mark Dacascos paired with Tibor Takács (Hardcover, The Gate). And although it's not either of their greatest films, it grew on me.


I have to admit I didn't give it the best of chances on my first watch. I always started it late at night and ended up falling asleep watching it (a long day at work can be tiring, don't blame the film). I didn't completely get it the first time round. In my defence: a) it took me a good few sittings to get through it, b) it's quite complicated due to a fractured storyline that flashes back like nobody's business and finally c) I'm a thick northener.


Mark Dacascos plays Luke Kovak, an ex-Special Ops kind of guy who left the agency for which he worked, to become a priest. I know what you're thinking. A kung fu priest. Plus, seeing as though it's a Tibor Takács film, there may even be a stop-motion spider/nun hybrid for him to kick in the middles. But no. It is way more sensible than that. It's more akin to Bourne and Mission: Impossible. There are even aerial shots of the city so they must have had a bit of a budget to play with.

One thing that carries over from Takács' other films is the gorgeous, Bava-esque lighting. I love coloured lighting and it separates Sanctuary from other similar films. A scene of Luke in his tiny bedsit, lit by a passing train may be a cliche, especially with the camera shake, but it doesn't stop it from looking great. 


Dacascos doesn't get to do that much scrapping, which is a shame, but this is one of his finer acting performances. His relationship with Rachel Malcolm (Kylie Travis), a fellow operative, is one of the strengths of the film. And because he's now a priest it never strays into the more obvious romantic category. Almost, but not quite.


Sanctuary never quite kicks into high gear (although there is a fairly tense sequence involving a golf cart, I'm not joking) but it is well worth a couple of watches, maybe more. It is book-ended by two sequences that potentially were setting up a cracking sequel. Sadly, a it has never emerged. I will carry on dreaming about what could have been... mmm, Spidernun...

Artist's impression.

6/10
evlkeith



If you like this you could also try:
Crying Freeman, Only the Strong, Hardcover, The Gate.

Intermission - The Art of Tea Bag Folding

People are forever coming up to me when I'm knocking about in Clarky's bookies and asking me, "Evlkeith, what was your resolution at New Year and have you kept it?" I answer, in my smooth, dulcet tones, that my resolution was to start a new hobby and keep it up for the whole year, and maybe longer.

I decided to have a go at the ancient art of tea bag folding. Invented in Holland by a lady called Tiny van der Plas, when she wanted to make someone a lovely, thoughtful birthday card and all she had handy were some gammy tea bags. Cheers for that, love.


The art has obviously come on a long way since then. Here is a fine example done by a master tea-bagger:

Beautiful. I am obviously not up to that standard yet. I am merely taking my first baby steps and dipping my toe into the toasty-warm waters of tea-baggery. My initial efforts were a total shambles, but now with practise I am ready to showcase some of my work to the world:

Rather special, I think you'll agree. Okay, not as good as the masters. But my tea-bagging is improving. I still need to work out where they get the different colours and pretty flowers from. The internet is no use. Most of the time when I search for tea bag related activities I get some rather unsavoury specialist pictures. Cheeky. I think I'll try some posh tea next, like Typhoo. That might be the secret... 

Yeah, great. Just chuck us the tea bags when you're done.

evlkeith

Review - Into the Abyss (2011- Dir. Werner Herzog)

Prologue

This is not the Werner I'm used to. This is more like his other more recent work, such as Grizzly Man. And, to be honest, (normally I'm a right liar) it's a lot better than his earlier animal bothering offerings.

1. The crime.

Werner follows an inmate on death row and interviews people involved in the crime, family members and officials who deal with the whole process of death. Michael Perry was convicted of murdering a mother and was suspected of killing two teenagers. The intent was to steal a car. As the Sheriff states in the film, three people died over a red Camaro and the perpetrators were only in possession of it for about forty-eight hours.


2. Interview style.

Rather than employing someone else to interview the people involved, Werner dives straight in there and gets his hands dirty. He loves getting to the nitty-gritty of what happened and how they feel about it. At one point he even makes a joke about Perry's accomplice, Jason Burkett, who had a piece of shrapnel lodged in his side. He doesn't see the funny side. Werner does. And has a little chuckle.


3. Most preposterous story.

One of the people interviewed - I'm not really sure who he was - told a story of having a fight with someone and there being an incident involving a foot long screwdriver. This injury would have surely caused death within minutes. The bloke didn't even bother going to the hospital. A tale worthy of Ken McKenzie.

This clip has nothing whatsoever to do with the film. Great song though.

4. The death penalty.

Werner wastes no time in saying that he doesn't agree with the death penalty. He ascertains from one of the victim's daughters that she felt that justice would be carried out with life imprisonment. Possibly Werner's ace in the hole is his interview with one of the men responsible for looking after the inmates in their final hours, strapping them down and administering the fatal injections. I won't give details, but whilst watching I thought that if I was going to be executed I wouldn't mind this friendly fellow doing it. (Well, maybe I would. But you know what I mean.)


5. Hard lives.

One of the most amazing things about hearing about these people's live is how unlucky they are. Some of the interviewees have lost all or virtually all of their families under various circumstances. Either that or they're all in prison. It must be a nightmare getting life insurance in Conroe, Texas.


6. Enjoyable?

This is a good, well-made film but not one that I would want to watch again. I was constantly interested and at times amazed by some of the goings on. Definitely worth watching once. Recommended.


Epilogue

On the walk back to the car park after seeing this, Doccortex and I were egged. Well, someone tried to. I felt something brush my stomach. The Doc felt something brush his leg. Then we saw the egg explode on the pavement. A dubious looking car sped past. How lucky was that? (We were not so lucky in Peasholm Park, when a goose decide to lighten its load on us, but that's another story.) I'm hoping that my luck holds out for the lottery tonight. I wonder whether Werner would agree with the death penalty for egg throwers...


7/10
evlkeith


If you like this you could also try:
Grizzly Man, Cave of Forgotten Dreams.