Here we are with the final entry in our mini-season within a season: the zombie films of George A. Romero. After the abomination that was Diary of the Dead, I was really hoping that Romero could pull it round. It would be a nightmare for one of horror's top directors to finish on such a bad film.
To a certain extent he's managed to get things back on track. It is linked to the events in Diary, but only in the fact that it includes a character from that film. Rest assured that the found footage element is gone. Phew. But rather than a full blown return to form, he spoils it by the inclusion of some dire effects and some blatantly fake Irish people.
Zombie films, like Big Brother, shouldn't be about the extra little rules or tweaks to a known formula. They should focus on the people. Slap a bunch of people together, mix in some zombies, and see how they get on. Job done. I'm not interested in whether zombies will eat pigs or horses. Badgers though, that would have made an interesting scene. It'd be up there with the zombie vs shark in Zombie Flesh Eaters.
Despite the pig and horse episode, Romero does spend a fair bit of time seeing how the characters react to the situation. Sarge Nicotine Crockett (Alan Van Sprang) is the military bloke from Diary who nicks all of the irritating idiots' food from their van. So he's okay by me. He decides to head off for a little island to find some safety. Little does he know that the island has been run by two Irish families, the O'Flynns and the Muldoons since time started. The two families don't get on and they have differing opinions on how to manage the zombie threat. And they like shooting at each other.
One early scene shows how Patrick O'Flynn deals with the dead lumbering chappies. He questions a father of a family about an accident that his child had, and enquires about her safety. When he asks to see his daughter, things go awry. It's fairly powerful stuff, but sadly this level of emotional involvement is not sustained. Yet again in the latter stages, it's a case of a horror film having characters that I couldn't care less about.
Another major problem are the zombie deaths. They're played for comedy rather than horror or disgust. It veers more into Braindead territory, which disappoints after a more drama based approach at the start. It doesn't help that they look so cheap and unconvincing.
At least it was pretty entertaining. I've seen a lot worse efforts than this. Romero has managed to get out of the Conference of zombie films and back into mid-table obscurity. It's still a long way off the Premiership though. 5/10 evlkeith
If you like this you could also try: Braindead, Dead Snow.
I kind of knew what to expect: it's called Dragon Quest and I got it from Poundland. The whiff of 'Straight to DVD'ness was so excessively pungent I nearly died from asphyxiation, yet I gave it a chance. I'll come to the reason why later...
The massive shame about this film is that they had access to some okay locations, the effects capabilities to render large battle scenes, all of the requisite technical gear, and a bunch of bargain basement actors, but the script is so unoriginal and dull it begs the question, "Why did they even start filming?" The cynical part of me, (is there any other part?) might say that they knew that it would make a modest amount of money on DVD, and it probably has. There must have been virtually zero effort at the writing stage to try to inject any new ideas or more importantly, fun.
See what you think to this: A young lad, Arkadi (Daniel Bonjour - the French male version of Hello Kitty) is on a quest to save a kingdom. On the way he meets a merry band of chums who either help or hinder him on his quest. There is a piece of jewellery that plays an important/boring part in the proceedings. And there's a dragon type thing that's all black and charred because it's on fire. Sound strangely familiar?
Despite all this it could have been entertaining. Arkadi has to face a series of tasks to gain precious stones for his manly necklace. But they're all so nondescript that it's not that clear sometimes why he's actually received a stone. Here's an example of how terrible they are: Arkadi sees a gorgeous naked lady having a bath and she beckons him to join her. He doesn't. Here you go lad, have a stone. What kind of a hero is he? He'd rather decorate his accessories rather than wink and click at ladies. He's pathetic.
Yet, Dragonquest has one saving grace, one glimmer of fun: Marc Singer (AKA The Beastmaster, and the main bloke off of the original V). He hams it up like a prime piece of Pek and gurns at every available opportunity. But he's fun. I'd lose consciousness for long periods of time watching this slice of purgatory, but hearing his voice always brought me back. He even gets to show his sword swinging moves in a Beastmaster inspired shot. It was the only part of the film that received a little cheer from me. Marc Singer is another blameless actor in the style of obscurendure hero, Mark Dacascos. He can do no wrong where I'm concerned.
So in the final rating, all of the points are only awarded due to Marc Singer. If you do feel the need to watch this, just keep fast forwarding to the Singermeister. You won't be missing anything. 2/10 evlkeith
If you like this you could also try: The Beastmaster, Hawk the Slayer, and if you're really desperate for something to watch, Deathstalker.
Jean Rollin films are an acquired taste and this one is no exception. This is supposedly one of his most commercially successful films. This could be down to the above average gore quota for a Rollin film and a smattering of public thatch shots.
Three dubious fellows are dumping some similarly dodgy chemicals in the basement of a castle. While they're there they notice a couple of coffins, so decide to do a bit of grave robbing. I did say they were dubious. Surprise, surprise the chemical spills everywhere when there is a badly-timed earthquake and the titular girl, Catherine (Françoise Blanchard),comes back to life. She uses her exceedingly sharp nails to do a bit of damage to the unlucky chaps and then wanders back into the castle where she used to live.
She eventually meets up with her sister (Marina Pierro) who is quite willing to fetch fresh meat for Catherine. Meat for a zombie that is. Not half a pound of chipolatas. By the end of the film the sister becomes less human than the zombified Catherine. In a similar vein to Return of the Living Dead Part 3, Catherine is quite aware of her situation and wants it to end. She tries to overcome her general zombieness and you'll have to watch it to see whether she succeeds.
As with most Jean Rollin films, it is very slow paced. During gore sequences, Fulci used a slow pace to force you to watch some fairly unpleasant scenes. In this, even though there is some gore, it's not enough to linger over. The slow pace doesn't really do the film any favours, apart from giving it a dreamlike quality. Saying that, Rollin does do a fine line in gorgeous shots of castles but the atmosphere is not up there with Fascination.
One of the standout features of this film are the cries/screams/gurgles of the cast when they are killed. Barbara Simon's death is particularly great. Another audio treat is getting to hear what a French party was like in the eighties. They were pretty wild by the look of this.
All in all, this is a great film for a Friday night when you've just come back from the pub and you don't mind too much if you fall asleep watching it. Is that a recommendation or not? 4/10 evlkeith
If you like this you could also try: Fascination, Requiem For A Vampire, Vampyres, Return of the Living Dead Part 3.
Sideways is a quirky, unpretentious alt-romantic comedy that sits comfortably alongside Garden State, Waitress and Lars and the Real Girl. It tells the story of two dysfunctional forty something fellows as they tear across Santa Barbara County for a week of riotous excitement including golf, fine food and wine tasting. Admittedly it’s not sounding that high on the hell raising Richter Scale, but it's both geeky and entertaining at the same time.
The success of the film relies on an excellent and often funny piece of scriptwriting. The story takes the form of a journey into the hopes, fears and inadequacies of our middle aged heroes as they tour vineyards as a last act of freedom before Jack’s impending wedding. It won’t change the world, but as a portrait of male midlife crisis, it hits the nail firmly on the head. There’s also some cracking pieces of humour involving motorcycle helmets, ostriches and breaking and entering.
The two lead characters manage to be obnoxious and loveable simultaneously, with Paul Giamatti suitably introverted and repressed as the wine loving divorcee Miles Raymond, and the legendary Thomas Haden Church (George of the Jungle!) resplendent as the rampant womanising actor Jack Cole. Virginia Madsen (Candyman) also deserves special mentions for her subtle and understated portrayal of upwardly mobile waitress Maya.
It’s not the standard Hollywood rom-com by any means. It’s darker, scuzzier and truer to life, but that only makes for a more engaging experience. Definitely worth ninety minutes of anyone’s time. 8/10 Doccortex
If you like this you could also try: Any of the films mentioned in the review. Except Candyman. And George of the Jungle.
You may well have been wondering when I was going to get round to the zombie maestro Lucio Fulci in my year long festival of all things shambling. Well, wait no longer. Here's the long awaited review of Zombie Flesh Eaters 2. What the hell? What's that 2 doing at the end of the title? Yep, sadly I've plumped for this celluloid travesty as my first foray into Fulci realms. Things can only get better after this.
You may have gathered that this film is pretty dire. In fact, it's a complete mess. There are many stories regarding the production. Probably the most common is that Fulci became ill during the making of it and Bruno Mattei was brought on board. It all sounds a bit suss because Claudio Fragasso, the writer had previously worked on Zombie Creeping Flesh with Mr Mattei and they were top buddies. A large proportion of Fulci's footage was deemed unusable and Mattei fleshed out the remaining running time. It's hard to believe that Fulci's work was actually worse than the shambles that Mattei has knocked out.
One shot that Fulci admits too is the only hint of the supernatural in the whole film. A flying zombie head zooms out of a fridge to bite an unwary victim. It sticks out like a sore thumb in a film that is more akin to Nightmare City. The zombies here charge around brawling with the protagonists rather than shuffling politely up to them. But don't get your hopes up expecting that the a bit that Fulci definitely directed is any good. It's still rubbish. Just different rubbish.
It also bears virtually no resemblance to its namesake. This escapade actually bears more similarities to a Romero film, The Crazies. Althoughthe original Zombie Flesh Eaters cashed in on the success of Dawn of the Dead, Fulci managed to make a pretty great film. Despite The Crazies not being the best film ever, this farce doesn't even get any where near its quality.
Admittedly, I was marginally tipsy when I watched this (you need to be, believe me) but about half way through I couldn't quite work out who the main characters were or where they'd come from. They are so lacking in personality that I'm not even sure that they're in the first half of the film. I'd worked out that there were some soldier types involved, possibly. Although, I only noticed them due to their shockingly bad dialogue. But I'd got no idea where the leading lady had come from. In fact, I wasn't even sure if she was the leading lady. She could have been a dinner lady, who'd mistakenly wandered on to the set. I'm convinced that if you freeze frame the film at 67 mins and 34 secs you can see her serving a young gentleman some flapjack.
Lots of reasons come to mind for why Fulci didn't succeed with this project: he was ill, budgets were becoming smaller and he didn't have his dream team of actress Catriona MacColl, writer Dardano Sacchetti, effects genius Gianetto De Rossi and cinematographer Sergio Salvati with him. I get the feeling that his four classic zombie films are the product of team work, and a perfect mix of creative talent, rather than the work of an auteur.
There is one moment, where a zombie barges about as if he's migrated from Resident Evil 4. Put a sack on his head and give him a chainsaw and he's a dead ringer. It's also got a great poster. And Hitler makes an appearance. But apart from all of that, this is a total waste of time. Unless you like watching random encounters with badly made up zombies and a surprising lack of gore. Let's all just pretend that Fulci had nothing to do with this and look forward to his greater works. 1/10 evlkeith NB I lied about the flapjack sighting, so don't waste your time buying the film and searching for it.
If you like this you could also try: Zombie Creeping Flesh, Nightmare City.
The Luc Besson Season was a bit of a disaster with an average rating of only two. Low quality. Let's see how Mr Argento fares. In our first instalment, Dario tries his hand at fusing giallo and fantasy elements with Phenomena. With mixed results. Does anyone actually care who the killer is in gialli? All I'm bothered about are the quality of the murdering gloves they wear and the death scenes.
So how do the murders stand up? Stylish but pretty tame. Only two deaths stick in the mind: one involving two of Dario's trademarks, head through glass and extreme slow-motion, the other while brief, comes as a shock on first viewing. It's a disappointment after the delights of Tenebrae and Suspiria.
But it has got more to offer in the fantasy department, despite being completely stupid. A young Jennifer Connelly plays Jennifer, a girl with the supernatural ability to make insects frisky. While insects can be used to solve crimes and determine the time of death it seems a bit of a stretch that an insect could lead you to the killer. Just let it fly in front of you, follow it, and there you go. Episodes of CSI would become suspiciously similar if this technique worked. As for there being a link between insects and the human soul...
The characters are all in stupid horror film mode. People wander blindly into murdering situations. The killer barely has to break into a sweat. Word of warning: if there's a murderer on the loose, and someone you know starts behaving psychotically, don't swallow a tablet that they've given you. Regardless of how much they shout at you. Just in case you were tempted.
Like the majority of Dario's early efforts, Phenomena looks great. Architecture is beautifully lit and shot, as you'd expect and there's a gorgeous shot of Connelly (Jennifer, not Brian) rising out of the water at night, a fire burning in the background. It also does disgusting pretty well too. A 'swimming pool' scene is particularly full of grue, when the film takes a satisfying dark turn towards the end.
I sincerely hope that Phenomena isn't used as a training aid for professionals dealing with mental illness. Here are some things I learnt: sleepwalking = psychophrenia. Doccortex had a sleepwalk. Once. Lock him up. Something else that I found out is that mental asylums should have a number of levels. And as the levels are descended, the inmates should get increasingly monstrous. A bit like hell. So let me get this straight: posh middle class children should go to huge ornate private schools, whilst children with mental health issues should be locked in the fiery depths of Satan's buttcheeks. Sounds like part of the Tory manifesto.
Despite its numerous failings (a blatant piece of thieving from Don't Look Now, Donald Pleasance's comedy Scottish accent and some jarring rock tunes on the soundtrack) I cant help quite liking this film. It has an atmosphere that Opera lacked. Connelly's sleepwalking episodes add to the fairy tale quality. Not Connelly's best. Not Dario's best. But worth a watch for a razor wielding monkey alone. (The rental copy I watched on Blu-ray had an extra bonus feature: it kept randomly swapping languages. One minute it was in English, then Italian. The most surreal was when it went into German.) 6/10 evlkeith
If you like this you could also try: Monkey Shines, Dark City, Suspiria, Tenebrae.
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